I couldn't find the joke thread, do we even have one? We do now! I was googling and happened across this pic. Made me laugh.
(http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/fail-owned-coin-stamp-letter-postage-fail.jpg)
Might play havoc with the cancelling machine.
That is fuunnnyyy :laughingneqw:
I especially like the "5c for your troubles"
:laughingneqw::laugh2:
HAHAHA the postage fail
Thought this was the appropriate thread for this. I've been up in Ayr NQ clearing out the contents of the late Mother in Law's house. Came across a copy of the "Australian Coin Chart" dated March 1964. As well as providing the coin prices it also provides the following advice on how to clean your coins.
(http://i164.photobucket.com/albums/u20/Steveqld/Photobucket%20Desktop%20-%20USER-PC/Cleaning-1.jpg)
I love the advice about using "sand soap" which I presume to be something like solvol.
My how times have changed.
If anyone is interested I can scan the book and put it in the forum. It's only 12 pages long. The in laws never threw anything away. Found a couple of kilo of penny and halfpenny, a few ounces of predecimal silver, a 10/- note and most hopefully a 1922 threepence but unfortunately without the important overdate.
Steve (Yes I did make my way to this forum eventually)
Nice one Steve. What else is in the book? It might be worth scanning.
I was looking through some old Australian Coin Reviews the other day and similar advice was given (but it said if you insist on using sand soap on gold coins, make sure you keep the dregs because of the gold you've scrubbed off).
JOKE
The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."
JOKE
Teacher: Ramya And Shilpa!, Why Are You Late For School, Today?
Shilpa: Madam, I Lost A One Rupee Coin And Was Searching For It.
Teacher: Ramya, What About You?
Ramya: Madam, I Was Not Able To Move Because I Was Hiding That Coin Under My Feet.
This is funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGZ3kaAfQJs&feature=fvwrel
The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours,
I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch.
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
(http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo339/appeangel07_photos/29-9-08/new%20coin%20album/cid_1_1504611328web160702_mail_bf1_yahoo.jpg)
It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.
At the Laundry, three minutes after entering,
I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...
(http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo339/appeangel07_photos/img-1.gif)
accumulater,
:off_topic:
This is the LAUGH thread
Well i thought it was funny !
so funny :)
Love the badge
Gave me a cackle.
The pyschedelic "LOL" brings back memories from the sixties ... now if I could just remember ...
Pedro
(http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo339/appeangel07_photos/29-9-08/new%20coin%20album/thROFL_C12_zpsb67c7529.gif) @ Pedro !
I saw this on CCF recently and had a laugh.
(https://xxjgnq.blu.livefilestore.com/y1psBFs4737UO25hVbkQVtC4dabPZG5YiDDTgFTG_eiytekAw_DIyqqICedxnLPft8jFzlES8qtY-0BUjpSkO5FJHWZbYGdd56A/1855-bluetooth-penny.jpg)
:scratch_one-s_head: after seeing that I really don't know what to think about graded coins or bluetooth head sets..what were they thinking :dash1: but honestly I don't know if I should :laughingneqw: or :cray: 'cause some poor bugger probably paid for that but I know I wouldn't be happy
This is real (http://forums.collectors.com/messageview.cfm?catid=26&threadid=871655&STARTPAGE=2).
(http://i.imgur.com/KRLwC.jpg)
This is not real, but still funny.
(http://www.australian-threepence.com/images/pmgs.jpg)
That's just wrong :mocking:
A new species is evolving
[attachment=862]
1890s problems:
(http://cdn.pophangover.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/3q2my6.jpg)
(http://i48.tinypic.com/2z4k7t4.jpg)
this is a great pic of the sydney harbour bridge ,almost completed the arch , then they have to do the road and train lines ,..
,, kel ,,
i find this is a better place to try my pic skills ,,.
Awesome Kel- did you take the photo.? (sorry- that was way too easy) LOL.
Quote from: 'Robster' pid='6951' dateline='1358836232'Awesome Kel- did you take the photo.? (sorry- that was way too easy) LOL.
hey rob , how old am i ?? when was the sydney harbour bridge built
no sorry mate , just one of my pic i have kept because i think this was a great feat in them days and it is nice and clear for a black and white .. ,, kel ,,
Or was it sepia?
(http://i47.tinypic.com/2chpekp.jpg)
another try out on my picture taking ,
,, kel ,,
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='6963' dateline='1358845049'Or was it sepia?
jeff , what is sepia ,??? what does that word mean??? . ,, kel ,,
Quote from: 'keldaw' pid='6949' dateline='1358831666'(http://i48.tinypic.com/2z4k7t4.jpg)
this is a great pic of the sydney harbour bridge ,almost completed the arch , then they have to do the road and train lines ,..
,, kel ,,
i find this is a better place to try my pic skills ,,.
my 'step' grandfather is said to be in those base phylons (?)
don't know if it is really true
but it is true that he was an engineer on that bridge and a cement pouring accident and he was killed
i'm sure that my mother said he was buried so deep in the cement that they couldn't get his body out
i always think of him when i see that bridge
I have that pic (or one damn similar) on the wall behind me!
Great story about your step gandpop, sad he didn't make it.
probably another one of my mother's great yarns too PP
she was a good story telling
back in the days before we had TV to entertain the kids!! ha ha
Now I will be thinking of him too.!:icon_e_sad:
That is a great shot of the Coat hanger under construction but my eye caught the Naval Vessel in the background. Could that be HMAS Australia?
Are we looking out to the ocean from this perspective ie.? Would the Opera house eventually be built far right other side of bridge.?
HMAS Australia was scuttled in 1924 one year after construction of the bridge began (1923), i doubt they would have had this much completed with in one year of starting.
(http://i47.tinypic.com/35c4uf5.jpg)
(http://i48.tinypic.com/5v8weh.jpg)
(http://i50.tinypic.com/n5shz.jpg)
some old nice ones to go with the bridge .. ,, kel ,,
Great photos Kel, wish I had been around to get some coin rolls.!
Excellent photos - looks like it might have been good business to have been selling hats back then!
Pedro
this is a joke thread ,
:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo: says the ladies on this forum ..
so it would be a joke to all us guys on this forum to see the ladies on this forum dressed up like the ladies in white around circular quay , how would you think you would go ladies , how lucky you all were born in this era and not that one .. :laugh2:
,, kel ,,
What I find amazing is that there's not much crap around..even from the horses :dead_horse:
Quote from: 'keldaw' pid='7324' dateline='1359191103'this is a joke thread ,
:yahoo::yahoo::yahoo: says the ladies on this forum ..
so it would be a joke to all us guys on this forum to see the ladies on this forum dressed up like the ladies in white around circular quay , how would you think you would go ladies , how lucky you all were born in this era and not that one .. :laugh2:
,, kel ,,
I think the hardest part about walking around in that era would be dodging the horse poo:angel:
Maybe this might help:
HMAS Australia (I84/D84/C01) was a County-class heavy cruiser of the Royal Australian Navy (RAN). One of two Kent-subclass ships ordered for the RAN in 1924, Australia was laid down in Scotland in 1925, and entered service in 1928. Apart from an exchange deployment to the Mediterranean from 1934 to 1936, during which she became involved in the planned British response to the Abyssinia Crisis, Australia operated in local and South-West Pacific waters until World War II began.
The cruiser remained near Australia until mid-1940, when she was deployed for duties in the eastern Atlantic, including hunts for German ships and participation in Operation Menace. During 1941, Australia operated in home and Indian Ocean waters, but was reassigned as flagship of the ANZAC Squadron in early 1942. As part of this force (which was later redesignated Task Force 44, then Task Force 74), Australia operated in support of United States naval and amphibious operations throughout South-East Asia until the start of 1945, including involvement in the battles at the Coral Sea and Savo Island, the amphibious landings at Guadalcanal and Leyte Gulf, and numerous actions during the New Guinea campaign. She was forced to withdraw for repairs following a series of kamikaze attacks during the invasion of Lingayen Gulf. The prioritisation of shipyard work in Australia for British Pacific Fleet vessels saw the Australian cruiser sail to England, where she was at the end of the war.
During the late 1940s, Australia served with the British Commonwealth Occupation Force in Japan, and participated in several port visits to other nations, before being retasked as a training ship in 1950. The cruiser was decommissioned in 1954, and sold for scrapping in 1955.
There was more than one HMAS Australia.
Ah it may well be her in the background then.
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
RURAL AUSTRALIAN COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Hexam mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the veranda.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
Priceless AJ , that one is a Corker :laugh2:
I agree, the best wit is clever wit.!!
I got this one from AJ :good:
A old station hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the old man, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the man gingerly picks it up & stuffs it into the boot of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust & hair off his suit, Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what work you do & where you come from, will you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second, wondering what this wrinkled up dirt encrusted uneducated old man could possibly know? He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician & you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but, tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my bloody dog."
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT
Ain't that the truth- and brilliant as well.!
Lov it, send it on to the PM and the rest of them in Canberra.........
'Jesus Knows You're Here'
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables
when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,
'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses', replied the bird.
'Moses'?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird 'Moses'?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'.'
the end ,, kel ,,
They’re quick with the jokes
Here they come!......off and racing..
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco
Her condition is said to be stable
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger.
So I had a £5 each way !
Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the
pony that she's always wanted!
had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....
I still have a bit between my teeth
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of
unicorn
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? yay or neigh?
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse
d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a
dead.. NO! NO NO NO!
Said to the Mrs these Tesco burgers given me terrible trots
To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian
Tesco burgers, low in fat, high in Shergar
Tesco burgers give you the trots
Will Tescos now be saddled with a bad reputation?
Did you know Shergar bum is an anagram of hamburgers
It gets worse....the French have found traces of Tesco Value burgers in their horsemeat
Tesco, tracing your meat from stable to table...
I was wondering whose burgers are best, Tesco or Sainsburys? Turns out that Tesco burgers win by a nose
I don't know what all the fuss is about - it's not as though it was the mane ingredient
They're on the shelves but not furlong
Tesco are being taken to court over this. The CEO has promised to tell the hoof, the whole hoof and nothing but the hoof
This ascot to be wrong
Tesco: So hungry you could eat a horse? We've got you covered
What kind cheese do Tesco use in their cheese burgers.....mascapony
Traces of zebra found in tesco's barcodes ......
To be fair, I've eaten these burgers and they're o.k if you add a little salad-dressage or side-saddle dressing.
From now on, I will only eat burgers that are the real AP McCoy
Luckily I didn't eat the burgers, I gave them to the neigh-bours
Got home, said to George, haven't we got some of those Tesco burgers in the fridge?
She opened the door and said,'They're off'
I expect this only relates to those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony!
There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.
One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"
Yes another email so I hope this isn't to offensive for some
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race again and it won again.
The local paper read :
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read :
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day :
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read :
NUN SELLS
ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read :
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40:
Begin with a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand . (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
:laugh2: that's a shocker, I like it
Before Criticizing anybody you should try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize them you will have their shoes and be a mile away.
Luv the spud joke, brilliant.
Good to see two of us read it GS..you have to read it to get it..very clever indeed :) I find due to my ABI I really read everything and sometime I have to read it more than once to make sure
The blonde reported for her University final examination, which consists of "yes/no" type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and carrying on.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers."
Brian and his wife Ethel went to the state fair every year, and every year Brian would say, 'Ethel, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Ethel always replied, 'I know Brian, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Ethel and Brian went to the fair, and Brian said, 'Ethel, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Ethel replied, 'Brian that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.'
Brian and Ethel agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvrings, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Brian and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Brian replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Ethel fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
I got this from AJ, I nearly wet myself with this one :good:
A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The Sheila from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me,"You lazy sod! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat backside and give her a break!"
I thought, 'Bloody women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to piss off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.
After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... Then maybe they'll take good care of us.
I've attached a picture below ... Hope it comes through OK
[attachment=1424]
:laughingneqw:
Wish I had one of those.
Pedro
At a country club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."
"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."
Well this isn't a joke but I find it funny now, well I was gonna run a quiz and say "the first person who can give me 5 fowl words gets a gift", thinkin the bird but after finding out you can actually swear I'd thought I'd better not so now I have to think of a new quize..got one :mocking:
There are "Ducks on this pond" AJ and I think profanities will be frowned upon Mate.:dodgy:
If even I can refrain from swearing then it should be dead easy for anyone else:angel:
it is me ya talkin to mate..but yeah I wanna be good..and I did change what come up when I realised what it had done, I was expecting the f*** sort of thing to come up but it didn't :mocking:
OK , ONE FROM ME ..
blond went driving around in her brand new car , she was going fast and she heard a siren so she pulled over and just sat there waiting for the police to write her a ticket , the lady police officer walked up to the car window and said ['can i see your licence please ] , the blond said , [ what is that thing you want ? what does it look like ]
the police lady said to her , it is a little small thing and has a picture of your face on it , the blond looked in her purse and pulled out a little mirror and saw her face in it , and said here it is , and handed it to the police lady , who then looked at it and said ,[ why did,nt you tell me you were a police officer too before i started writing the ticket ..
sorry to all the blonds on this forum .. ,, kel ,,
The old mirror trick Gets em all the time.........
I found this one
Estate Planning:
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the
family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his
fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just
a few years, my father will die,and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
wish we got adds like this, it cracked me up and could prove a problem for some tek heads and I love the expressions on the wife's face, says it all http://vimeo.com/61275290
this is lame but it is clean :mocking:
Potatoes
Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.
"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
* * * * * *
... just a COMMONTATER!"
Sorry :laugh2:
Lol that is very lame but gave me a chuckle
As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a Chaser.
Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before and not sure where I got it from:
:P
:acute: I knew you were trouble AC, please remind me never to go out for drinks with you..who knows where we'd end up :police_car: :blush:
So did they get their taxi back :mocking:
not me again , YES ME AGAIN..
a guy goes out for a few drinks , spots a lovely lady sitting at the bar by herself , so after a while he goes over and sits beside her and started to talk to her . every thing is ok and after an hour or so , she asked him home for a nightcap . so they go home to her unit .another couple of drinks and into bed they go ..
next morning she gets up early and starts making him a nice breakfast because he is still in bed . when she brings him breakfast in bed , he is sitting up eating it when he spots a picture of a man on the sideboard ,who is that , is that your husband ? he asked , no she replied , is that your boyfriend ? no , she replied , is it your farther he asked ,no she replied , well who is it , ? he asked again ,
she replied ,.. THAT IS ME BEFORE I HAD THE OPPERATION ..
,, kel ,,
Oh thats nasty lol
Oops.........
(http://i1358.photobucket.com/albums/q772/enworb5/velo_zps9505db67.jpg)
(http://i1358.photobucket.com/albums/q772/enworb5/read_zps96a23512.jpg)
haha love it
(http://i1358.photobucket.com/albums/q772/enworb5/glow_zpsb752d014.jpg)
(http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/7/2/5/2/0/6/webimg/657494868_o.jpg)
Would you catch this bus?
that to me is so real ,
people must sudder getting on that bus ...
,, kel ,,
hell yeah! cool paintjob
[attachment=1507]
This is not a joke, but I think next time I need a new Washing Machine, I'll buy a Whirlpool after seeing this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=dq6T5BojXc8
hillarious
Sacrilege Trout! (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/1927-florin-parliament-house-FREAK-COIN-iI-have-never-seen-anything-like-it-/181152106844)
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='17028' dateline='1370227994'Sacrilege Trout! (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/1927-florin-parliament-house-FREAK-COIN-iI-have-never-seen-anything-like-it-/181152106844)
Poor little Bugger:cray:
Thats a pretty average job. Some of those look pretty good i reckon.
Indeed Enworb, the worst thing with this one is that the seller seems to think it's some sort of error. (Now that would be one great planchet flaw!!!)
For anyone who loves Prince Philip's Gaffes .....
http://www.news.com.au/national-news/gallery-e6frfkvr-1226170738791?page=1 (http://www.news.com.au/national-news/gallery-e6frfkvr-1226170738791?page=1)
PS: Love the spelling of "Phillip" on the web page banner bar .......
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
:laugh2:
The difference between the rich and the poor. Did the Russians put a pencil sharpener into orbit as well?
new joke , ok ,
have you ever seen someone milking a cow on a dairy farm ?? ,
you have ,ok
well , now ,
can you tell me why the stool they sit on has only got 3 legs ???
scroll down for the answer
because the cow has the udder,.. ha ha . ,, kel ,,
:laugh2: very good Kel
Try saying the following quickly out aloud three times:
One smart fellow, he felt smart,
Two smart fellows, they felt smart,
Three smart fellows, they felt smart,
Quote from: 'trout' pid='17029' dateline='1370228262'Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='17028' dateline='1370227994'Sacrilege Trout! (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/1927-florin-parliament-house-FREAK-COIN-iI-have-never-seen-anything-like-it-/181152106844)
Poor little Bugger:cray:
Whilst in the Army, posted to Townsville and doing my metal detector searching about the old drive inn theatre, just south of Townsville, my mate and I wouls find bits of silver coins all over the place. Reason, the Americans had a staging post there and in spare time, would clip the Aussie coins and file out the Coat of Arms. They did this on all denominations of the coins. I still have some of the clips in my scrap silver bin at home here. I think whoever did that to the Canberra Florin has done a reasonable job. I like it.
what is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
yeah! haha not much of a brain strain but still a good one
new one >>
What Do You Do? Logic
You are lost and alone in the woods. You stumble across an old cabin, and decide to stay there for the night. You want some heat and light, but the only things you find in the cabin are a candle, an oil lamp and a wood burning stove. You look in your pocket but you only have one match left. What do you light first?
can anyone play in this match :winkextra:
Game, set and match to Ausjack. :angel:
:yahoo:
:laughingneqw:
I was :mr47_05:
and I got a bit:kez_11:
so I had to wait till I got :grin: again
but u :dead_horse: me to it :icon_e_wink:
I think the secret to logic ones are the last few words they use..fill ya head with crap first so your all over the shop and not knowing what to think..but I could be wrong :)
no A J your are right again.
hang on and I will get you a badge ,
ar now where is it ,
ar here it is . :police_badge:
Here's another one: You are the driver of the electric train. At the first stop you pickup 43 passengers. At the second stop, you drop eight passengers and pickup fourteen. At the third stop, you drop nineteen and pickup 37. At the next, you drop 12 and pickup 51. At the next stop you drop all and pick 1.
Question: How many passengers in total did the train move; and
2 What was the driver of the train name?
hummm I'm havin trouble with the first bit and the "pick 1" but the 2nd one I think your tryin to trick ME goldie :winkextra:
I'll have another look tomorrow when I'm a bit fresher and probably see it straight away as I get a little foggy as the day goes on and I get tired, the brain doesn't like cold or heat either..makes me very :sleepy:
Quote from: 'Goldseeker' pid='17767' dateline='1370951949'Here's another one: You are the driver of the electric train. At the first stop you pickup 43 passengers. At the second stop, you drop eight passengers and pickup fourteen. At the third stop, you drop nineteen and pickup 37. At the next, you drop 12 and pickup 51. At the next stop you drop all and pick 1.
Question: How many passengers in total did the train move; and
2 What was the driver of the train name?
Unless I'm missing something as usual, it doesn't matter how many people were dropped since they were still moved. And since I am the driver, I know very well who he is. -John
Well done, John. You are a genius.
did you write that down right goldie??
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing all."
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian, doesnt it ?????
I saw a ute with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realized how many gynaecologists' there are on the roads.
Well done A.J. (lmfao)..:laughingneqw:
What kind of room has no doors or windows?
How many of each species did Moses take on the ark with him?
Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?
What is always coming but never arrives?
no 1 it was noah and the ark
no 2 ????
no 3 tomorrow .. ,, kel ,,
Quote from: 'Australian coin' pid='17973' dateline='1371086367'What kind of room has no doors or windows?
How many of each species did Moses take on the ark with him?
Forward I am heavy, but backward I am not. What am I?
What is always coming but never arrives?
No 1: Mushroom
No 2: Hah.. got me..
No 3: ton
No 4 : Tomorrow
very tricky AC
#1 mushroom
#2 moses had an ark of covenants but it was noah that had the boat ark
#3 ton
#4 Kel was on the money :good:
What kind of coat can only be put on when wet?
You do not want to have me,
But when you have me,
You do not want to lose me.
What am I?
What jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
and also elbow room for #1
no 1 a coat of paint
you have to be quick .
I,ll leave the others I don't like to win all the time ..
that's one to Kel :good:
hey you got them all, xx
still going >>
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='17993' dateline='1371114000'You do not want to have me,
But when you have me,
You do not want to lose me.
What am I?
What jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
and also elbow room for #1
and a newbie to add >>
A man is running away and has to choose one of three rooms to get out of a house. He can pick the 1st door, a room that has broken edges of glass on the floor and walls, the 2nd door that is on fire or the 3rd door which has five lions who haven't eaten in three years. Which one should he pick?
there's two left for you to have a go at AC..I like the second one I put down and I like your moses one and there's one about a kid and a crash and the Dr being related but I'll have to try and remember exactly what it is sorry
The hungry lions door is a must. They have all been eaten, hopefully.
haha yeah, well they have been there for 3 years, I would say they are dead by now :P
From the beginning of eternity,
To the end of time and space,
To the beginning of every end,
And the end of every place.
What am I?
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
very good Nevol, what about my other one's :winkextra: I'll put the answers up this arvo if no one gets them :)
I reckon the jumping/running sits/stands etc one has two answers:
A Frog
A Kangaroo
Other one is a lawsuit.
:wavemulticolor: we have a winner, sorry there's nothing to win :( and my answer was roo :good:
The Professionals
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.
"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded "You must be in management"
"I am," replied the balloonist "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Love that one Unicorn. :laughingneqw: :laugh2: :haha:
So I was wondering what version I should use :mocking:
Mary had a little lamb,
it's fleece was black as charcoal,
every time it jumped the fence,
ya could see it's little :winkextra:
or sparks flew out it's :winkextra:
My first rolf email, took long enough :)
I was shopping at Bunnings when I bumped into the legend, Rolf Harris.
I was so excited I said to him, "I remember you doing 'Two Little Boys' in
1970 !!"
He said .... "Piss off !!"
Very good AJ ..... it did take it's time ..... :mocking:
Poor old Rolf, I can't see it being true personally :nea: (but the joke's still funny).
Now if you want to take some pictures of the fascinating witches who put the scintilating stiches in the britches of the boys who put the powder on the noses on the faces of the ladies of the harem of the court of King Catactacus......you're too late! Because they've just... passed... by!
Riddle:
Whoever makes it, tells it not. Whoever takes it, knows it not. And whoever knows it wants it not.
+
What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?
I have to go to south Africa next week to get new knees ,
why cant you get them in Australia
why do you have to go to south Africa to get new knees ??
answer , because that is where negroes ,..:tease::tease::grin::laugh2::haha::haha:
knee grows . get it .
Second riddle answer - a penny?
Pedro
In what bar will you never get a drink?
But, you might be able to work up a thirst there.
well I was gonna leave these for others to answer but now, counterfeit money for the first one and BROWN TROUT/SNAKE :mocking: for the second but yes penny is normal answer :)
good job AJ :)
QuoteIn what bar will you never get a drink?
But, you might be able to work up a thirst there.
You've got me Jeff ...... I was thinking perhaps Marble Bar (hottest town in WA apparently), but it has the Iron Clad Hotel I've just discovered.
Any other bar guesses?
Answer tonight.
Jeff
hummm, could be legal or crow
Crow it is. Well done AJ and you win...well, actually, nothing.
Jeff
:yahoo: thanks Jeff, the fun is in the game mate :winkextra:
kel said to A J , hey jayson ,I am getting a dog ,
what kind of dog says jayson ?
kel says to jayson I am getting a Labrador
jayson says to kel ,
"" blow that ""
have you seen how many of their owners go blind. ..
I was driving to work today when I saw a racv van on the side of the road , the driver was sobbing and crying and shaking uncontrollably ,
I said to my self , that guy is heading for a brakedown ..:yahoo:
my friend has a bad habit of drinking brake fluid . I told him he was
addicted to it , he said no way I am ,
I can stop whenever I want to ..:yahoo:
I saw an interview with Chuck Norris yesterday where he was asked about his diet. Amongst other things he talked about the importance of red meat.!! His statement gave me a chuckle.!-- "I enjoy my meat so rare, I only eat Unicorn." :mocking:
Egad!!!!! :scared:
I think some one is trying blackmail me ,
why do you think that ??
well I found a little dark coloured boy in my letter box last night..
Today's Bad Idea
Just when you think a person can't get any dumber.
This will cleanse the gene pool a little.
(http://i44.tinypic.com/345yerk.jpg)
I know, I saw it right away too .... no safety glasses or hearing protection!
And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on. I might be up in age but I am still sharp as a tack.
sorry pic didn't come thru, workin on that :)
I bought a Jeep!
Yes I bought a Jeep
Yes, a Jeep
(http://i40.tinypic.com/2zdulu9.jpg)
"That hurts in so many ways, at least he won't pass on the 'stupid' genes to anyone else.!!
yeah it brings a tear to the eye but you've got to appreciate stupidity..makes ya bum hurt don't it :)
It wasn't my bum that first hurt when I saw that. Ouch!!
(http://img.auctiva.com/imgdata/7/2/5/2/0/6/webimg/682189383_o.jpg)
Very Clever- self descriptive.!!
A Little Christmas Story -
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Not a lot of people know this.
Absolute ripper AJ ..... :laugh2:
haha love it, so have to save that one for Christmas
My daughter won some money on one of the radio stations here in Melbourne for telling the same(similar) joke live on air some years ago.........
Austria's greatest achievements:
- Convincing everyone Hitler was German
- Convincing everyone Mozart was Austrian
Love that German/Austrian dichotomy.
Shades of New Zealand and Australia!
Probably on topic at the moment .....
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big heist, then began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot squawked: "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
The bird replies: "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
THAT was good!!
Two Irishmen watched as a truckload of rolled up grass travelled past. "I'm gonna do that when I'm rich" declared Paddy.! Do what? asked his mate. "Send the lawn out to get cut". Paddy replied.!!!!
Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the New South Wales State of Origin team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
Oh, Goldie, that's good!!!
Oh dear; that may upset a few new South Welshmen!
I am one but don't follow (let alone watch) over hyped "special" sporting events such as the Melbourne Cup and a certain football match. So, I thought it quite amusing.
Yes but it is true!
:angel:
The Biker at the Zoo
A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
I dunno where you are getting these from Goldie , But keep em coming Mate.
That was a bloody ripper :laugh2:
Still laughing.!!
The Irishman and the Mercedes
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station
In a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows
Nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who
The golfing pro is. "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"? Inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
:yahoo::laugh2:
A good story! For anybody who's had some tests at the doctor's office lately...
Your Duck is Dead--
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
Excellent Duggee :laugh2:
LOVE the cat scan bit :yahoo:
Apropos of nothing in particular...
Screamin' Jay Hawkins Constipation Blues (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAd4CySRzRQ)
I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but
he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for
that bull than he was worth. Any how, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull
was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence
and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills
the Vet gave him .........but they kind of taste like peppermint.
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy and oval?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubblegum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,..................... I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
- Planting TOMATOES??????
If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old. - Lord Chesterfield
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed in her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
===================================
__._,_.___
I hope this isn't too offensive :blush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WAWgrwybg
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='23666' dateline='1375436135'I hope this isn't too offensive :blush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WAWgrwybg
:shok::laughingneqw: funny
(http://i1285.photobucket.com/albums/a585/auntyrobbs/mockingbird_zps769519a8.jpg)
Quote from: 'bellyflorin' pid='23670' dateline='1375436711'Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='23666' dateline='1375436135'I hope this isn't too offensive :blush: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7WAWgrwybg
:shok::laughingneqw: funny
To some people Mate But I found it as funny as buggery.
They got all the voices right as well. :good::laugh2:
QuoteI hope this isn't too offensive
We nearly pissed our pants.
Do they have any shunters?
Jeff
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill.
Brings back fond memories AJ. We are huge fans of Comedy Inc and Ronnie Johns.
yep full forntal, fast forward etc, we've had some pretty good stuff from time to time :)
That's a shocker Jeff and there's another one like it but the answer is a bar of chocolate :blush:
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and ...
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion ... "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all
over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura."
Quote"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura."
Priceless
:laugh2::good:
:mocking: just wondering if anyone here has grown another thumb from texting yet..come on lighten up......it will happen one day :laugh2:
It's amazing what a difference one letter can make
[attachment=2223]
Quote from: 'stevo1962' pid='24111' dateline='1375770048'It's amazing what a difference one letter can make
:laughingneqw: :laugh2:
You havin a go at me :laugh2: :laugh2:
Yeah english is very strange indeed..I failed :blink:
I've posted this before but it's a beatiful day and this always gets me, so enjoy it while we can..still think this should be made an ad out here and see if it makes a difference :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HX5aRzXUzJo
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='24114' dateline='1375771534'You havin a go at me :laugh2: :laugh2:
Nah mate just had a bit of a chuckle when I saw this so I had to share as she looked so sincere and happy until someone told her what she'd written
All good mate, I know what it's like :winkextra:
This made me laugh .....
QuoteCAN PUT CRACK TO BACK SIDE
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/231030239159 (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/231030239159)
Maaaate cover ya crack HAHAHA,must be a builders crack :laughingneqw:
I was sent this by a forum member. To that member thanks...........
THE LOVING HUSBAND.
A man had two of the best tickets for the opening State of Origin match.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
"No," he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible..!" said the man, "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the
State of Origin opener, the biggest sporting event of the rugby league calendar and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but
She passed away. This is the first State of Origin match we haven't been to together since we
Got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or
Relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
haha^^^^
Letter to a men's helpline..
Hi
I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQFKtI6gn9Y)
Wavy's quote reminded me of an oldie (a bit dated but I think it's still good).
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the Following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his father into taking him.
"So how as it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great." Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yes, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "One of the animals came racing in at 30 to 1!"
-John
This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Boral deliver the bloody bricks on time.'
Very funny and proves we should all be careful what we say around youngsters.!! lol.
This is a true story, The Mrs & myself were in a large ANZ bank,the line was huge ( around 50 yards ) there was a young mother with a couple of kids behind us & the little fella was getting quite impatient,all of a sudden he pops to one side of the line & yells out "come on push up push up " everybody LOLed & the mum quite embarrassed says "ya can't half tell he lives on a dairy farm".
Ya had to be there to appreciate it fully i reckon.
Quote from: 'accumulator' pid='26371' dateline='1377655194'This is a true story, The Mrs & myself were in a large ANZ bank,the line was huge ( around 50 yards ) there was a young mother with a couple of kids behind us & the little fella was getting quite impatient,all of a sudden he pops to one side of the line & yells out "come on push up push up " everybody LOLed & the mum quite embarrassed says "ya can't half tell he lives on a dairy farm".
Ya had to be there to appreciate it fully i reckon.
got a belly laugh out of that one
:laughingneqw:
"Milk that for all it is worth." :laughingneqw:
Oh, Robster, pull the udder one! I'm sure you've herd it! :laugh2:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/170193.jpg)
You really have too much time on your hands.!
QuoteYou really have too much time on your hands.!
LOL .... not my work Robster! A friend liked it on Facebook.
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='26547' dateline='1377824301'(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/170193.jpg)
LOL, my Daughter just told me about this pic and I come here and there it is.
For the golfers...
10 best Golf Caddy responses
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It 's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
And the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Very funny and 'totally relatable'. :angel:
Thanks....A recently married Woman was asked by her single girlfriend what were the 10 best things about her marriage.
1.Not having to go to a 9 to 5 job.anymore
2.Not having to diet. (anymore.)
3.Not having to prepare those exotic 'cookbook' meals..
4.Not having to clean the house/kitchen.
5.Not having to suck up to his dysfunctional inlaws.
6.Not having to put a "cooking cherry" label on the bottle of wine everyday
7.Not having to have Oral Sex(anymore).
8.Not having to fake an orgasm.
9.Not having to watch TV shows he likes.
10.Finally being able to tell him my best friend from Uni Days is a divorce lawyer.
!!!!!!!
The good news is Dear Abby and Dr. Laura have both approved sex for old people. The bad news is they expect us to have sex with other old people
I hear that exercise kills germs. But how do you get the little buggers to exercise?
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent took the gun back and said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent took the gun back and said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
thanks nancy , only don't let DAWN read it .. ,, kel ,,
My wife loved it now I need protection. Anyone interested..........
A bit corny but a few giggles.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown..
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30 am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, well "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today , she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.
The wife was counting all the 5 p's and 10 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours - believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern...
Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you , today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."
Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
Sum good ones there, especially da last one.
But, Please, don't make fun of us Irish as I am one of dem........
Quote from: 'Goldseeker' pid='26993' dateline='1378359483'Sum good ones there, especially da last one.
But, Please, don't make fun of us Irish as I am one of dem........
You most certainly have "The Luck of the Irish" with Mules mate :dance2:
"Boom Boom". :laughingneqw:
OK I surrender, make fun of us then......................
Excellent bunch Nevol & Basil .....
Paddy walked into the pub with his feet all bandaged up.
Goldie says, "Paddy, what have ya doon to ya feet"
Paddy replies "I burnt em cookin' spaghetti"
Goldie says "How could ya burn ya feet cookin' spaghetti?"
Paddy replies "I just followed the instructions ...... open can and stand in boiling water for 10 minutes".
(Sorry Goldie :mocking: )
Sorry, but I don't think this Irish 'Paddy' nonsense is funny anymore. :( Its 2013 you cant do this shite anymore. No more jokes about paddys mussies reffos dwarves coin collectors or minority groups. :ok:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcXxzzzgpfo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcXxzzzgpfo)
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='27045' dateline='1378388249'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcXxzzzgpfo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcXxzzzgpfo)
Totally irrelevant. :to_pick_ones_nose_eat:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/sn2.jpg)
Did you hear the one about the Australian of English descent, another Australian of English descent and a third Australian of English descent who walked into a pub, went up to the barperson who said...
Problem with jokes is if you try to make them politically correct, non sexist, not profane and logical they lose all the humour. The funniest jokes always seem to be rather "off" in some respect.
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical
Talking about "off" There once was a man from Nantucket (http://www.dirtylimerick.com/limericks/there-once-was-a-man-from-nantucket-2/) Dirty language warning
A Termite walks into a bar and says, "bar tender?"
The Smartest Dog Ever
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! - Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummelling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing??? This dog's a genius!!!"
The owner responds, "Genius, no way! It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
Brilliant.!! :yahoo:
(http://d65852kwq1u8u.cloudfront.net/uploads/5904_1003217_570859879638413_1452784048_n.jpg)
HAHAHAHAH
Mick was attending his Coin club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming Hay Internment Camp Fossicking trip because his missus wouldn't let him go. After copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks Mick left to go back home to the missus.
When Mick's mates started arriving to set up base camp outside Hay the following week who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Murrumbidgee river,swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"How did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?"
"I didn't have to", was Mick's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do what ever you want".
"SO HERE I AM!"
I wonder if anything will change with Abbott.......
When the shearing sheds are silent and the stock camps fallen quiet
When the gidgee coals no longer glow across the outback night
And the bush is forced to hang a sign, '. gone broke and won't be back'
And spirits fear to find a way beyond the beaten track
When harvesters stand derelict upon the wind swept plains
And brave hearts pin their hopes no more on chance of loving rains
When a hundred outback settlements are ghost towns overnight
When we've lost the drive and heart we had to once more see us right
When 'Pioneer' means a stereo and 'Digger' some backhoe
And the 'Outback' is behind the house. there's nowhere else to go
And 'Anzac' is a biscuit brand and probably foreign owned
And education really means brainwashed and neatly cloned
When you have to bake a loaf of bread to make a decent crust
And our heritage once enshrined in gold is crumbling to dust
And old folk pay their camping fees on land for which they fought
And fishing is a great escape; this is until you're caught
When you see our kids with yankee caps and resentment in their eyes
And the soaring crime and hopeless hearts is no longer a surprise
When the name of RM Williams is a yuppie clothing brand
Not a product of our heritage that grew off the land
When offering a hand makes people think you'll amputate
And two dogs meeting in the street is what you call a 'Mate'
When 'Political Correctness' has replaced all common sense
When you're forced to see it their way, there's no sitting on the fence
Yes one day you might find yourself an outcast in this land
Perhaps your heart will tell you then, '. I should have made a stand'
Just go and ask the farmers that should remove all doubt
Then join the swelling ranks who say, '. don't sell Australia out'
Author unknown
Cleaning Poem
I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'
He told me to get off my bum,
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.
I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my good work.
I didn't mean to 'click.'
But click, I did, and oops - I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into it -
I was into it all night.
So nothing's changed except my mouse.
It's as shiny as the sun.
I guess my house will stay a mess.....
While I sit here on my bum.
(http://i41.tinypic.com/sxzkhy.jpg)
Top poem AJ !!!
"When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It is difficult only for the others.!! It is the same when you are stupid.!! :laughingneqw:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFZrzg62Zj0
A lawyer boarded an airplane in Gladstone with a box of frozen crabs and
Asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him..
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a Lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his Behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Brisbane, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Gladstone, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up .... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
:laugh2: your a shocker AC..love it mate :winkextra:
Loved it.
What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
:laugh2: excellent Basil!!!
The truth and nothing but the truth was spoken!
The truth and nothing but the truth was spoken!
Still laughing.!!!
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='28128' dateline='1379124203'What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
I feel that I'm letting the female race down
cause I have to admit
I got a laugh off that joke!
I've played a lot of sports in my day and nothing is more painful than a kick or ? in the family jewels. I played 12 yrs of football.......nothing....40 yrs of softball....nothing. But then in tennis? An opponent's tennis ball slam to the court and it bounced up.......you know where. I counted the seconds before it REALLY hurt....5. They hurt just thinking about it.
I've played a lot of sports in my day and nothing is more painful than a kick or ? in the family jewels. I played 12 yrs of football.......nothing....40 yrs of softball....nothing. But then in tennis? An opponent's tennis ball slam to the court and it bounced up.......you know where. I counted the seconds before it REALLY hurt....5. They hurt just thinking about it.
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='28128' dateline='1379124203'What deep thinkers men are...
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
My Mother (who had 12 children) had a saying:
"If woman had the 1st child and man had the 2nd, there might be a 3rd, but there'd NEVER be a 4th".
I would much rather have a child than have renal colic. According to a Dr at Royal Brisbane Hospital in the 80's, renal colic is the worst pain the body can tolerate.
I'll gladly take a kick over some of the things I've been through..ATM I feel like I've been in a fight getting rabbit punched for over a week but I must agree it does hurts at the time :laugh2:
Don't worry RG I do the same with the girly jokes..makes ya feel like a turn coat, but if it tickles ya funny bone what can ya do :winkextra:
YEP I SECOND THAT MOTION Nevol :heat:
Australia
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,
'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again..
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied,
'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
Superb!!!!
Did not see it coming ....... thanks Basil!
Thanks...i'm in a loop with old friends/friends of friends etc so get i get several a day that do the rounds of the internet,most are stupid/corny or unsuitable for a forum but i'll post the better ones.
They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife. They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.
They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny. I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all, But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call. Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound, That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round. They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap. That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps, We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps. Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks, He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.
And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night, You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light. And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide, But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all, Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall. If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are, You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled, Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head. Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped, If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops. The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back, And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
.......
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.
i remember those days..
at xmas you definately had to leave 6 bottles of beer to ensure being emptied cause with visitors and all that pudding ...
:shock:
and if you did not leave him any thing at Christmas time ,
he would always spill some on the lawn on the way out ..
trust me , I know , because mum would always send me out to
hose it in to the lawn to stop the smell ..
,, kel ,,
I remember them days well.
The outback dunny/thunder box/shouse.
Zac, trey and deenah, ten bob and a quid.
Not the same these days.
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said....
"OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"
Thanks.............with the wife and I going on another cruise next year........!
thanks from me too, we are going on the p&o princess dawn from
brisbane to port douglas and back for 7 days in December , was
looking forward to it , but now after reading that I just don't know ..
I just hope there is no parrot on board .
,, kel ,,
Quote from: 'keldaw' pid='28901' dateline='1379718215'thanks from me too, we are going on the p&o princess dawn from
brisbane to port douglas and back for 7 days in December , was
looking forward to it , but now after reading that I just don't know ..
I just hope there is no parrot on board .
,, kel ,,
Kel: me thinks for ship is the PACIFIC DAWN and not the PRINCESS DAWN.
Jane and I do the world cruise, 104 days, departing Sydney 18 May 2014 on the Dawn Princess.
Have fun and enjoy.
There is also a Dawn Princess.
sorry gang , it is the pacific dawn ,
would like to go with you both bruce , but my health is not good enough to book so far ahead ..
listen folks , another thing I have to tell you all , we went in to see about a holiday cruise overseas , but they told us we needed a passport , we said how do we apply for one now as our old one ran out about 8 years ago , so the lady at the p o at Caboolture told us we needed certain papers and we said we have them and we took them out of my backpack and gave them to her, she looked at our marriage cert that we have had since march 1961 ( 52 years )
and she told us that was no good anymore and we would also have to apply for a new marriage cert ,.so I said that is crazy , she replyed that is the rules I said , stick it up your jumper and we walked out of the po and went straight back to the travel agent and booked this trip to port douglas and back .. we even had to pay extra insurance because I am over 70 yeas of age . insurance was $ 238.00 for
7 days .. ,, kel ,,
Kel just missed out a few words. He is going on the Pacific Dawn with his "Princess Dawn".
dawn says , thank you jeff ..
[attachment=2340]
Quote from: 'triplewitch' pid='28979' dateline='1379764752'
:) :) :)
The latest from Ikea ...........
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Where is the allen key? I can't see it.
I hope you like this one ,
he is not telling but I think the guy we are talking about here is
goldseeker
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence... the rest of the year
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottomand pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became awareof Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'
,, kel ,,
Thanks very much Kel, appreciated.
A new recruit into the Army with many others gots kitted out at the Q store and they are marched back to the barracks and told to get into uniform and parade on the road in ten minutes.
The new recruits parade and are inspected by the Platoon Commander. The Pl Comd stops next to this 5ft nothing soldier. Looks him up and down and asks "How does your uniform fit. The soldier replies "the trousers are a wee bit too tight under the armpits and the shirt tails will keep my ankles warm SIR!
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/displayimage.php?pid=976)
Having problems with picture.
When I saw this in today's paper i just had to share it.
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The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in another
race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter
the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS
ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE..
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and
misery . .. even shorten your
life. So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
Have a nice day!
I loved that Mate , AWSOME :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
Thanks,the best ones aren't suitable for a Forum unfortunately.
Still having problems with pictures,do i have to post them to the gallery first or is there a direct way like Coin Community? TIA.
Excellent Basil, love it!
I put all my pics in my gallery and link them from there. Haven't tried to link them alternatively.
Thanks,i'll give the gallery another go.
Winning ass, said the Bishop to the Nun.!!
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RIP.......
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A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging
a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep
of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls
have any diseases?'
Of course the Madam said 'No'.
The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease
that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby
sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk,
have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the Bastard who
ran over my FROG!'
To those old enough to remember...
Former model Christine Keeler, 71, is unrecognisable as she pulls shopping trolley 50 years after Profumo affair.
Former showgirl was once one of the world's most photographed beauties.
Her sexual liaisons with Tory Minister John Profumo and a Russian attache led to one of the biggest political scandals of modern times.
She now lives in a sheltered accommodation block in South London.
Dressed in a shapeless top and sandals and pulling a plastic shopping trolley, it is difficult to imagine that this woman was once one of the world's most photographed – and infamous – beauties
But the pensioner pictured here is Christine Keeler.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Keeler.jpg)
Her sexual liaisons 50 years ago with Tory Minister John Profumo and a Russian military attache based in London led to one of the biggest political scandals of modern times.
This is the first time Keeler has been photographed in public for seven years, and the 71-year-old is unrecognisable from the fresh-faced model and showgirl who found herself embroiled in Profumo affair in 1963.
Humble lifestyle: The former model Christine Keeler pictured out shopping near her home.
Although she revelled in her notoriety at the time and sold her story to newspapers all over the world,
Ms Keeler now lives in a sheltered accommodation block in South London and is estranged from her two sons.
Beauty:
Beauty: Keeler in her prime back in 1964.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Keeler_young.jpg)
In an interview last year to publicise her latest book about the affair that rocked the British Establishment, she said:
'My children don't want to be associated with that bloody whore Christine Keeler. It's awful but that's the way it is.'
The scandal happened at the height of the Cold War when it was discovered that Keeler had been sleeping with both Profumo, the then Conservative Minister for War,
And Yevgeny Ivanov, a naval attache based at the Russian Embassy in London.
Keeler and Profumo began their affair after being introduced at a party at the Cliveden estate in 1961 by their mutual friend Stephen Ward, a high-society osteopath and portrait-painter.
Profumo, who was married to actress Valerie Hobson, had no idea that Keeler was also sleeping with Ivanov.
In March 1963 he told the House of Commons that rumours of his affair were untrue, but he was forced to resign three months later after admitting he had lied.
Ward, who was prosecuted for living off immoral earnings, took an overdose the day before his trial ended and died on August 3, 1963.
Keeler was found guilty of unrelated perjury charges and was sentenced to nine months in prison.
The passage of time has done little to diminish the public's fascination with the scandal.
Andrew Lloyd Webber has written a musical, Stephen Ward, due to open in December.
It is understood Keeler declined to co-operate with the project.
Not sure if this has been posted yet. Different versions have circulated over the years.
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS":
1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time — this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiance and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Quote"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
They wouldn't have that sort of problem at Perth airport, The chances of getting an Australian taxi driver are slim at best :laugh2:
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The Frozen Bird
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.
The warm dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Same as above, slightly different version:
The Nonconformist Bird
There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"
So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.
The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money.
She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit.
She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her.
The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
She says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if
I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.
The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.
The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady,
"What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10:05 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"
an oldie but a goodie, cheers Nevol :good:
COIN CLEANING -PROFESSIONAL SECRETS REVEALED
•Have you ever wondered why you see such shiny coins for sale on the internet and your all look dull?
•Have you looked for cleaning tips and just been confused by the jumble of suggestions?
Well, wonder no longer. Just read on for the simple, cheap techniques used by professional coin cleaners! Revealed for the first time.
Firstly, many coins accumulated dirt; especially sticky residues such as tar, chewing gum, adhesive tape and possibly unmentionable substances. Before you can get your coins nice and shiny you need to remove these things.
You will see places recommending these;
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/ACETONE.JPG) (http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/XYLENE.JPG)
No, I say again NO! These are expensive and tedious. If you have any acetone keep it for removing your nail polish. Xylene is only good for thinning paint and sniffing (but much more expensive than petrol).
For fast, simple and cheap gunk removal try these;
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Chisel.jpg) (http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Brasso.jpg)
Don't be tempted to use
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/SILVO.JPG)
Brasso is more effective. And to complement the brasso;(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Wire_brush.jpg) Brasso and these brass bristle brushes are a partnership made in heaven just like Love and Marriage (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRDBvKGc1fE)
Wire brushes are available in many sizes and shapes but this "toothbrush" style one is ideal for coins. [Forget trying to use a toothbrush -they are too soft- and best not to brush your teeth with a wire brush.]
Steel bristle (even stainless steel) are also available for harder removal tasks but that is where chisels come into their own. Make sure you keep your chisels sharp for easiest use.
There are also some very nifty wire brushes designed to be used in electric drills. Boy, do these simplify and speed up the operation. A word of warning -these are a bit hard on the fingers and you don't want to spoil your newly shined coin with bloodstains -best to secure the coin in a vice for that procedure. Before you do that see if you can get a copy of our new book "ERROR COINS and HOW TO MAKE MONEY BY SELLING THEM ON THE INTERNET".
You might just then be able to combine two procedure into one simple operation!
If you don't have these materials on hand you don't have to rush out and buy them immediately. Have a look around your home -under the kitchen sink is a good place to start- and you are sure to have other, equivalent items. For example, most households have these two common products or others very similar.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Steel_wool.jpg) (http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Ajax.jpg)
There is no excuse for not getting into your coin improvement program right now.
COMING SOON PART 2 "TONING, STAINS and DIPS"
Even simpler, previously secret, ways to improve your coin's appearance and worth. Virtually no physical effort require and WORKS in SECONDS.
Includes special mention of how to remove pesky fingerprints and make those nasty green spot disappear. [Rubber gloves may be required.]
Our new book "ERROR COINS and HOW TO MAKE MONEY BY SELLING THEM ON THE INTERNET" is now available from all good book shops and reputable coin dealers. If your local coin dealer does not stock it, it is because he is still trying to keep his methods secret.
Includes;
•How does an error coin happen
•How to recognise errors.
•"The bigger, the better"
•How to accumulate a large number of spectacular error coins
•Care and use of tools
•A special supplement on photographing and describing your error coins to mystify and intrigue bidders so you get the best profit for your endeavours. Special reference to the "KISS" principle.
Please feel free to send in your own special techniques. The more we share them around to better off we will all be.
Editor's note. This submission has been edited to remove the multitude of;
•Jumbled font types, sizes and colours
•Spelling errors
•Grammatical errors
•Overuse and misuse of punctuation marks
Pictures have been resized and brought into focus.
All in the interest of making it easy to comprehend for the sophisticated members of the Australian Coin Forum
Special thanks to PW for his valuable assistance. {Name withheld by request.}
[size=X-small]© Jeff Henningham 2013. But feel free to copy it anyway -I know you will. Though it would be really nice to be acknowledged.[/size]
Fabulous Jeff! Love it :laugh2:
PW will be angry that you've let the cat out of the bag!!!!
Note: He's selling whole collections now ...... and wow what a bargain (not).
PUN0GRAPHY
. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
. When chemists die, they barium.
. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words
.
. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
. This dyslexic man walks into a bra .
. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
. A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
. I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
. Broken pencils are pointless.
. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
. I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
. All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
. I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
. Velcro - what a rip off!
. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
,, kel ,,
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'
'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.
'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'
It appears that someone has been reading our forum and Roozilla has rubbed off ........
Snoop Doggy Dogg aka Snoop Lion has changed his name to Snoopzilla
Yes, strange, but true
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/music/snoop-doggy-dogg-aka-snoop-lion-has-changed-his-name-to-snoopzilla/story-e6frfn09-1226741490306 (http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/music/snoop-doggy-dogg-aka-snoop-lion-has-changed-his-name-to-snoopzilla/story-e6frfn09-1226741490306)
I just deleted a joke in here that was inappropriate. Please be careful what you post in future.
No worries,very mild by Internet standards but not really suitable for a Forum.
Kinda cheezy but I'm a bit foudue of it.
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/995531_176560435881477_594492569_n.jpg)
another earworm :dash1:
Now I have Annie Lennox rattling around in my head :angel:
Another ear worm! But, a good song.
Here is the clip to go with your internal sound system Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeMFqkcPYcg)
At my graduation ceremony (My God, that was over 40 years ago!) some wag was distributing copies of the following scurrilous cartoon.
General consensus was it must have been someone from the Arts or Law faculty. Would not have been another engineer would it?
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/injuneer.jpg)
Lol Jeff ...... that one was on the wall in the tea room for a couple of years .... love it.
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous Primary 2 Teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years.. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own Primary 2 classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my pupils. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pets, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mum and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mum's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mum starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's pizza man. They got my Mum to lie down in bed like this' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mum had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mum's play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
Now you have two choices....laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!
JOKES - ENJOY!
IRISH!
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy, "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
A coach load of Paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going. The driver won £52!
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says, "Bejesas, I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Paddy says, "No I tink it's beef."
Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at you."
Paddy says, "Well the joke's on them, stupid, because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs, and they're going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year." Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
............................................................................
OLDER AGE:
As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realised that at my age I don't really give a tinker's cuss anymore.
.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........? or did I get it from you?
:laugh2: Some top ones in there Kel!
Yeah,some clever Irish ones there,i have a few more to add but will have to wait until the Mother in Law finishes with the computer.....
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/White_out_on_computer.jpg)
That reminds me of the 2 blokes that broke into a Computer store to rob it. One of them saw himself in one of the many monitors and decided to cover all the monitors so they wouldn't be recognised.
Have a go!!! It worked for me.
How to be fulfilled...
This is the best bit of advice I've read...
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found
inner peace........
It read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.
So, today I have finished one bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of single malt, some Prozac, a small box of chocolates and a litre of gin.
..............You have no idea how good I feel.
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.
....... Have a marvellous day.
Works for me Uni- until I wake up the next day.!! :zomby:
If you did all that, who did the TYPING?
(http://i39.tinypic.com/wrmc21.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/roadwork.jpg)
Decipher this limerick {(12 + 144 + 20 + 3*√[4])/7} + 5*11 = 9² + 0
Answer later (unless some bright spark posts it first).
did you know I can :whistle2:
isn't limerick in Ireland :scratch_one-s_head: I wanna be good :mocking:
Ya screwin with me head Jeff :shock: :laugh2:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='34060' dateline='1384203954'Decipher this limerick {(12 + 144 + 20 + 3*√[4])/7} + 5*11 = 9² + 0
Answer later (unless some bright spark posts it first).
A Dozen, A Gross, And A Score, Plus Three Times The Square Root Of Four, Divided By Seven, Plus Five Time Eleven, Equals Nine Squared Plus Zero, No More
Well done. I had last line as "is nine squared and not a bit more".
In coin language, isn't a 'bit' 12-1/2 cents?
Too close to the truth !!
A group of guys, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food and service was good and the wine selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had an elevator.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before and heard it was quite good.
The British Penny
With ref. to EU Directive No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the Single European
currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase
'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013.
From this date onwards, the correct terminology
will be:'Euro-nating'.
Thank you for your attention
:laugh2: ... Nevol .... I absolutely love it!
:agreed:
Church Ladies With Typewriters
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
-------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
--------------------------
Garage Door...
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.
The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.
He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand.
So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.
He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.
He denied it but she said, "I know you were there....." he maintained his innocence until ".....the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_E72E5537-A2B3-4B91-83F0-FB6173112D51.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_CED953D8-00CC-4C7B-AC6A-44D8BA02AC8E.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_58D380E9-153D-448A-905B-96B115275A1E.jpg)
One from the archives .....
"There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't !"
WHY SENIORS STILL NEED NEWSPAPERS
I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on
newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
QuoteThere are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't !
And what about hexadecimal?
To all those that are married and "break wind in bed"; Read on:-
Do you fart in bed ? If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey you were right... all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in........................"
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='35372' dateline='1385338875'QuoteThere are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't !
And what about hexadecimal?
Only 1 in 16 understand it.
I just took a
Leaflet out of my mailbox,
Informing me that I can
Have sex at 73
I'm so happy, because I live at
Number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
Afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
To cross the road!
(http://i39.tinypic.com/20fyibs.jpg)
(http://i41.tinypic.com/1zlyfxi.jpg)
All very good AJ!
I needed a laugh :laugh2: ..... neighbours .... everybody needs good neighbours ...... eeeek!
George Takei (https://www.facebook.com/georgehtakei?hc_location=timeline)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1474551_806457482717040_1038402726_n.jpg)
Some recipes tell you to let the bird chill for a few hours in the sink. (Found on facebook (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10202427442348596&set=p.10202427442348596&type=1))
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/q71/1470260_10202427442348596_1242120206_n.jpg)
that chook is starting to scare me and who's idea was that yours or Marks :laugh2:
Quote from: 'purplepennyhunter' pid='36017' dateline='1385968779'George Takei (https://www.facebook.com/georgehtakei?hc_location=timeline)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/1474551_806457482717040_1038402726_n.jpg)
Some recipes tell you to let the bird chill for a few hours in the sink. (Found on facebook (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10202427442348596&set=p.10202427442348596&type=1))
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/q71/1470260_10202427442348596_1242120206_n.jpg)
CRICKEY PP
Where did you get that pic of me in the bath ? :laugh2:
Why you should always wear underwear when going out.
http://i.imgur.com/JbLP6MI.jpg
(http://i43.tinypic.com/wlvfdg.jpg)
Love it Nevol!
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
Can picture that.!! lol.
Had a mate at school who had an old Morris Major and he got pulled over by the police for exactly that - going too slow (not sure his car could have gone any faster!).
Pedro
I learnt to drive in a Morris 'Minor'. Seemed like 22 m.p.h. was really hiking.!! :-/
My friend was "speeding" then - he was doing 40mph on the open highway (60 mph speed limit)!
Pedro
Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish , on his deathbed, knowing the end is near, is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says,
"Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... the bugger has a paper round!"
getting a divorce
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw:
true story !!!
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
Perhaps it should have been titled ..... The Full Monty!
http://www.news.com.au/technology/monty-panesar-tries-to-tempt-american-blonde-in-attempted-tinder-tryst/story-e6frfrnr-1226795542980 (http://www.news.com.au/technology/monty-panesar-tries-to-tempt-american-blonde-in-attempted-tinder-tryst/story-e6frfrnr-1226795542980)
.... and just to hand ....
Luxor Cold ..... Older, Golder, Thresher
Maker of beer for gods of the dead (http://www.news.com.au/travel/world-travel/egyptian-beer-brewers-tomb-found-in-luxor/story-e6frfqai-1226794868668)
..... sure adds meaning to the term ... dead drunk!
second picture ..... 37 flasks of beer on the wall, 37 flasks of beer .....
sorry this isn't a funny but I like it :)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/351cq5x.jpg)
(http://i42.tinypic.com/sl1ro4.jpg)
(http://i42.tinypic.com/2usap2h.gif)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/2195nqe.jpg)
(http://i41.tinypic.com/212fqe8.jpg)
:laughingneqw: :laughingneqw:
Love the "new" mouse!
Pedro
"meow"
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='39252' dateline='1389301595'sorry this isn't a funny but I like it :)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/351cq5x.jpg)
(http://i42.tinypic.com/sl1ro4.jpg)
(http://i42.tinypic.com/2usap2h.gif)
(http://i44.tinypic.com/2195nqe.jpg)
(http://i41.tinypic.com/212fqe8.jpg)
did someone change my post as two pic's are now different, very strange :dodgy:
Doesn't appear as though anyone changed it. If a mod had done so, it would show up in the pale blue bar at the top of the post and it would say something like "edited by XXXX" and give a time when the edit was done. but there's nothing there to that effect. :scratch_one-s_head:
umm funny, thanks Nevol, I'll post the other one that didn't show up, this is really strange then and hope we don't have a hacker but then the US hack everything anyway :(
here's the other one that just vanished, I've never seen that sketch pic before so no idea what's going on
(http://i44.tinypic.com/2195nqe.jpg)
wow it just did it again, it did put the right pic up when I first posted
don't know if this will work but here's a link to tiny pic's and what the pic is meant to be http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2195nqe&s=5
I can't see what you're talking about. All the pictures showed up both times.
I'm talking about is this sketch pic I have never seen before and it just showed up from nowhere, the tiny pic link should show the original pic of the tattoo joke but shows the sketch unless I'm the only one that can see sketch :(
yeah someone has the same named or linked pic, just remove the link from your posts and don't worry about it
I'm lost sorry, but somethings not right :(
if you put your link up, someone probably has the same named file and its been put up too >> raw image http://oi44.tinypic.com/2195nqe.jpg
http://i44.tinypic.com/2195nqe.jpg sketch image raw image..... that o is the difference between your image link and someone else's mate, computer links are very precise
oh ok, thanks again for your help little mate, ya on fire today :winkextra: so yeah the great computers do it again they really are a joke sometimes, user friendly my arse :( And I have similar trouble with both names so yeah I get it every bloody whereI go, if they don't spell my name exactly right I don't exist :(
"User friendly" my *rs*. Not even Fulvio's favourite is fully user friendly.
Some are just less user antagonistic than others.
http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/01/12
Quote from: 'triplewitch' pid='39540' dateline='1389521418'http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/01/12
That would come in very handy. :)
A sneak Movie Preview
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUKMUZ4tlJg
:laugh2: .... they had lots of fun making that!
I love the reaction of the big chap with the yellow coat and green cap!
Reaction; what reaction?
Movie review of the day by Rick Polito : "Interview with a Vampire" - Tom Cruise is a soulless recluse who lurks in the darkness and sucks the life from all who come near him. He's also in this movie about a vampire.
:laughingneqw:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='39662' dateline='1389752398'I love the reaction of the big chap with the yellow coat and green cap!
Reaction; what reaction?
Absolutely purrfect reaction...........................
(http://wm57.inbox.com/thumbs/96_fbf80_28d59642_oJ.jpg.thumb)
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1607116_213484502189070_1743404361_n.jpg)
(http://i1285.photobucket.com/albums/a585/auntyrobbs/funny-goat-bus-girl_zps8c4f5e6b.jpg)
(http://mattstone.blogs.com/.m/photos/funny_pictures/funny-pictures-the-scape-goat-gets-caught.jpg)
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a rolled up newspaper!
"What was that for?" the man asked.
The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket."
The man then said "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I got a tip and placed a bet on."
The wife apologized and went on with the laundry. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife smacks him on the head MUCH harder with an even bigger newspaper, knocking him out of his chair. Upon re-gaining his dignity and dragging himself back into the chair the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. "Your horse phoned today!"
Apologies if its been posted before but its the only one of today's jokes that are suitable for this Forum.
40 years of marriage..
>>>
>>> A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th
>>> wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
>>> Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She
>>> said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being
>>> loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
>>>
>>> The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my
>>> darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
>>> tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
>>>
>>> The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic,
>>> but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my
>>> love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
>>> The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
>>>
>>> So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92
>>> years old.
>>>
>>> The moral of this story:
>>> Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female....
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be known, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She whispers back, 'I wanna try somesing I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks:
"You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/1010993_868090263220428_1998943579_n.jpg)
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "mickeyminnieplutohueylouiedeweydonaldgoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Love it Jeff! :laugh2:
Could one fit that longer password into the password box?
Blondes, tch.
A fwend of mine sent me these: I trust that there are no blondes reading the following...............................
BLONDIE LOGIC
A blonds walks down the busy street and walks into a building......
What, was she blind?
Two blondes living in South Queensland were sitting on a bench talking........
And one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
Away......... Townsville or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo,
Can you see Townsville ...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her
Very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together."
"Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
Expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
Another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
That her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,
Then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her
Ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
Behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
Flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
Turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Qld Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
Shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know."
"We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
Your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
MAYBE ... THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
And asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
And one was named Timex...
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde.
"They're Watch dogs!"
OR THIS ONE ...
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
(You'll love this...)
(I know you will...)
.
.
.
.
.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
MY TRAVEL PLANS FOR 2014
I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get.
I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.
love it Jeff :good:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Work.jpg)
haha :)
For Linguists and Educators
Once again The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual neologism contest,
in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding,
subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The winners are:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
For #16: "A person who's both stupid and an Anal Sphincter" sounds a little better.
........I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him
out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I
was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very
healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed
him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even
broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a
machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they kind
of taste like peppermint.
Yeah I shouldn't have put this here but I found it so funny I just had too sorry..ya gotta suss this "multiple cud" out :laugh2:
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/Australian-20-Cent-Error-Coin-MULTIPLE-CUD-ERRORS-AT-THE-FRONT-/171257239668#ht_215wt_922
And postage is only $10.60. :laughingneqw:
Has to worth at least that. It comes in a plastic bag. :)
Hey and that's only standard Robster so how much Reg :laugh2:
if anyone wants me I'll be in the shed lookin for multiple errors..with a hammer :angel:
I'm not going there Steve :winkextra:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_E450A2ECB0FE4629A208E1AE5268C7F6_ASI.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_31163D70DF3B4E90A8071BFC13D36781_ASI.jpg)
Nice. Opens up a world of possibilities!!
(http://nerdsdoitbetter.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/get-one-free-300x24711.jpg)
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l6JE1oCJOZU/UKFJFW8J5wI/AAAAAAAALzc/DWi5PaloiG4/s1600/buy+one+shoe+get+one+shoe+free+dr+heckle+funny+store+signs.jpg)
(http://jokideo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Buy-one-and-get-five-free.jpg)
so do you know where the first add is PP :laugh2:
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?''
'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... Beautiful!''
Sorry if these offended anyone but they are the tamer one's
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, so big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
Is what tells each one where to go!
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
(http://i61.tinypic.com/so3b4i.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part4_02080206_02010900_bigpond.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part31_08000608_06080503_bigpond.jpg)
Lol Basil!
The one below's for Robster in case he wants to bring the Kwaka into the living room.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/image.jpg)
He was trying but didn't quite achieve a "Darwin Award"! Perhaps an honorable mention.
The Darwin Awards (http://www.darwinawards.com/)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darwin_Awards
(http://i58.tinypic.com/2ztly7c.jpg)
(http://i60.tinypic.com/2zyj3wn.jpg)
he must be related to me nancy .. ,, kel ,,
Came across this story last night while trying to find the abc radio station. I never even knew such a thing existed, pretty cool. Abc link (http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2014/03/20/3967676.htm)
That is so weird.
very interesting PP, I know of a rose that is over 100 years old and has turned back to a green bud and the petals look like little leaves, very strange.
CHINESE SEX
While in China, an Australian man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in Melbourne, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes
to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor
says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here in this country, we know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says,
"Well, give me a shot or something and
fix me up, Doc."
The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely
not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies, "Well, it's
your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor in Little Bourke Street, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease."
The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah,
I already know that, but what can we do? My local GP wants to cut off my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid
local doctah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!"
"Oh, thank God!" the man exclaims.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two week. Fall
off by itself!"
There was a little girl, who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead,
And when she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad she was horrid.
She stood on her head, on her little trundle bed,
With nobody by for to hinder;
She screamed and she squalled, she yelled and she bawled,
And drummed her little heels against the winder.
Her mother heard the noise, and thought it was the boys
Playing in the empty attic,
She rushed upstairs, and caught her unawares,
And spanked her, most emphatic.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. (American poet, 1807-1882)
Makes me think of someone
QuoteI'm trying to be good :biggrin:
:laugh2: no your not Jeff :) See there's a diff between "trying" and "wanna", "trying" means you are trying to do where as "wanna" is I'd like to but find it very hard to do :winkextra: So I wanna be good mate :good:
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This is my love child, isn't he just the cutes little thing you've ever seen, I'm just so proud of my little bundle of joy :friends: I really have to get one as it would be so much fun :mocking:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUKMUZ4tlJg
Lovely. Now show us your hate child.
:laugh2: now that one you really wouldn't want to see, he's locked away for the good of all :winkextra:
We "childproofed our house".! But they still get in.!!:ireful:
Quote from: 'Robster' pid='45061' dateline='1395959261'We "childproofed our house".! But they still get in.!!:ireful:
"I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better."
:laugh2: all these years now and didn't realise that's what they meant, thanks Robster :winkextra: put an electric fence up and see it that does any good...sound a bit like trouts ground lice problem so ya might have to pull out the big guns to stop them dead in their tracks :good:
:laugh2: your a shocker Mark but niccce one but can relate mate :winkextra:
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A little girl goes into pet shop and says " I want to buy a wabbit".
The owner smirks and replies "And would you want a brown or a white 'WHABBIT'?".
The little girls responds "i don't think my py-thon gives f*** what colour it is"!
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LOL!
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(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Joke.jpg)
Ain't that the truth!
Q: How can you tell that a blonde's been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There's M&M shells all over the floor.
A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, "Cruise -- Only $5."
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. "Do you think they're going to serve food on this trip?" she asks.
The other blonde replies, "They didn't last year."
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the
priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to
come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I
also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your
sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather
do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I
remembered where I left me hat.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."
""Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.""
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr Flannagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the
matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
""It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."
"Two of the best A.J.!! :yahoo:
(http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/ftpuploads/bloguploads/1213/funniest-pictures-2013-duck-homework.jpg)
Awwww..how cute is that? :angel:
The answer is 42!
cuteeee
I have a place for that, it's called a boiling pot :laugh2: Bloody ducks suck big time and I'll never have them again, dirty bloody things and use that much water it's not funny and full of fat and cysts Ewww grosss, chooks are better but I want some geese for a watch dog :good:
Putin on the Ritz ......
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/putin.jpg)
Uni uni uni what am I to do with you :)
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Aye, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'
Archie nods approvingly.
'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.
'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That''s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartin?'
'Ach,' says Jock, 'I' imagine she'll be in white.'
you guys have me in stitches.
:blush2: It's bloody Uni he's a bad influence on me, true :)
One of our members scores a cameo role!
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Unicorn.jpg)
Gee ..... who'd have thought that serial end up being in a cartoon!!
Funny, clever and funnier, cleverer.!! :angel:
May the 4th be with you ......
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/starw.jpg)
Women's survey on size ..........
Women's response to ...
2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied
4 inches- I've had bigger than it ..
5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches- perfect.
7 inches- Love it.
8 inches - Wow!, but cant have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches.
But I love the way you think!....
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he pulls out his wallet, but the barber replies "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week." The following morning, when the barber opens his shop, a Thank You card and a dozen roses await him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and the same thing happens. The next morning when the barber opens up, there is a Thank You card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a member of parliament comes in. Same thing. The next morning, when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen members of parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/cat.jpg)
WOWZERS Batman
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest..
Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!"
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Oh, a gurner!
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That's it, they said my teeth would come out due to medication so I might get them taken out early just so I can do things like that, that's a shocker Jeff :laugh2: Reminds me of olive oil and he only needs a pipe :) And for his next trick he turns him self inside out :winkextra:
I want one :laugh2:
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this just 'cause it's cute :blush2:
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That is one cute little mouse:heart:
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said, (this is going to hurt read on)
"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
Blondes, I don't know........!
Bit lame but it's really wet today so I'm bored
Number One.
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".
Number Two.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Number Three.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland.
Happened in Brisbane.
Number Four.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Happened in Adelaide
Number Six .
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his
head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .
Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said was sorry, but they only had iceberg."
Happened in Surfer's Paradise.
Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne ...
Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'"
Happened at the FORD dealership Dubbo
:laughingneqw: Fun read.!!
Thanks ausjack, they are great! Particularly like the life raft one...
"Always love a woman for her personality- they have like 10, so you can choose.!! :angel:
:laugh2: you lot are really gonna get me in trouble one day but just glad I can make a smile from time to time :)
I couldn't help but to put this one in sorry so please don't shoot the messenger :angel:
A Drover appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the Stockman offered.
'On a trip out the back of Longreach in Western Queensland, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I asked them very nicely to leave her alone, but the mongrels wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked him in the arse, knocked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
Then I yelled, 'Now, back off you bastards or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'About a couple of minutes ago'.
A man is seeking to join the Australian Federal Police force
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers and a rabbit."
The man says, "Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Love them Aj, haven't heard them before.
Hopefully Kim might get a little chuckle from them as well :)
AJ's previous brought to mind the Darwin Awards (http://www.darwinawards.com/rules/).
In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the Darwin Awards commemorate individuals who protect our gene pool by making the ultimate sacrifice of their own lives. Darwin Award winners eliminate themselves in an extraordinarily idiotic manner, thereby improving our species' chances of long-term survival.
:laughingneqw: Some great stuff there AJ!
Pedro
I don't mind this add for dunny paper and proves technology isn't all it's CRACKed up to be :)
http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. --- "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's Perth , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Perth are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
As an ex-Canberran I resemble that remark :P :laugh2:
I'm waiting until RG sees it! :biggrin:
Pedro
My guess is that joke originated in Perth. Am I right or am I right?
As a Perthite, I can only agree with that.
Now if we could only afford to live here. :(
:laugh2: don't know where it come from sorry but I was waiting for a few canbarrian's comments but quiet on the home front so far but WW3 might erupt any minute now and it wasn't my fault :blush2:
:laugh2: well this cracked me up and I think this really suits me :) Must go see what else Sam's have as most stuff is half price as they are closing down here so there goes another shop and jobs and a place where you could get the odd thing that was good and cheap so now it's back to the dearer shop :(
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AJ, when you say Sam's, is that Sam's Warehouse?
Yeah mate, and before that it was crazy clarks.
Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Jimmy Stewart (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IiICcSH8iY)
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I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
OMG Basil
That IS me
I am NOT going to show the hubby this - what so ever!! ha ha
Let's see if this one gets by...
Fixing the Outhouse ~
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
Still laughing.!! :wavemulticolor:
That is a beauty. Love it.
I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady then says, "Don't speak to me like that.......Fluc you whities too!"
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, but I can't let you in without a Thai."
:laughingneqw:
Very good.....I almost choked on my coffee while reading the punch line.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/johnny.jpg)
These Are Entries To A Washington Post Competition Asking For A Two-Line Rhyme With The Most Romantic First Line And The Least Romantic Second Line:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other--
that is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?!
Basil, if they had that poetry in school it would have made the subject fun.
Seriously LOL.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to Christ."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Will be able to use that one.!! Wonderful.!
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hello Kitty!!
you mean, "Goodbye kitty". :)
How the heck did you post that magnificent piece of film?
NEW $1 COLOURED COIN ANNOUNCED
Following the success of the Coloured Bright Bugs Series of $1 coins the Royal Australian mint has announced plans to produce a complementary coin to round off the series.
Design is at an advanced stage and test pressings and screen printing will commence soon.
The RAM mobile press will be busy because they are taking it to all the major rural field days to provide country folk with a chance to "MINT YOUR OWN". A random survey of attendees at Mudgee Small Farms Field Days last week obtained an 87% approval rating for the design; 12% not so sure and one didn't like it -it is thought that was a city visitor who took a wrong turn on the way to the wineries.
Already pre-production orders are flooding in from all the grannies at Moonyanooka WA.
Discussions are advanced with Australia Post for permission to send this coin through the mail so everyone has an opportunity to obtain one direct from the mint. If permission is denied to send these coins via interstate air mail Australia Post says their proposed overland speed delivery service will accept these coins. After some early problems sexing the snails (until they found out they are actually hermaphrodites) the breeding programme is now commencing.
I can't say any more about this Australia Post development but expect a big announcement. in due course, and a very catch slogan for the new service.
AND, CIRCULATION VERSION PLANNED!
AUSTRALIA'S FIRST $1 CIRCULATING COLOURED COIN
If production cost issues can be resolved then the mint is hoping to also release a version of this coin into circulation.
Woolworths and Coles have offered to help with sponsorship to assist this brilliant initiative to proceed. The circulation version may feature house brand products in recognition of this assistance.
All going well the circulation coin is expected to be arriving at the Security Firms before summer (fly season). When they start trickling out of the banks is anyone's guess.
So keep an eye out on your change and see if you can find one.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Mortein.jpg)
2014 $1 coin!
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11197/untitled.png)
:laugh2: ..... top effort Jeff!
Louie the fly would be proud!
Clever.!! :yahoo:
Love the angle of the spray can. You have a knack for bringing depth to a painted graphic image on a priceless decimal coin for the grandkids to treasure in years to come.
QuoteAlready pre-production orders are flooding in from all the grannies at Moonyanooka WA.
Well done Mate :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
Can I order one please.......better make that two PM for the cost.......
A man in Renmark has drowned in a bowl of muesli- A strong currant pulled him in.!
Hi Goldy. "Priceless"?
Quote from: 'Robster' pid='55225' dateline='1406064553'A man in Renmark has drowned in a bowl of muesli- A strong currant pulled him in.!
I'm glad I use sultanas in my muesli. :)
Loved the $1 promo Jeff - well done!
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='55235' dateline='1406073138'Loved the $1 promo Jeff - well done! Pedro
+1 :laughingneqw: :laughingneqw:
Nurse in emergency department......... A man comes into the ER and yells. . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Then this......(for all you grandparents).......A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
The Collected Bulletins Of President Idi Amin (http://www.ourcivilisation.com/smartboard/shop/corena/)
Here's a couple that come from emails that I didn't mind
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and this one made me think what it might be like after RG has a visit from the grandkiddies :D
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Two Aussie no-hopers were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the first Aussie says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The second Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but I reckon it'd make us even."
One for Fulvio ...... moved to another thread.
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love um A J .
I really like the look of the second one down, he's so cute! and can relate with my winter spread that I'll have to start to work on soon before I end up near 100kg again :)
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:laugh2: ....... Trust British Inmates ....... sure can't!
Trust British Justice?.... Sure can! :)
The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
And we all saw pet sheep." It was fascinating".
That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not "fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said. "My family went to see Rock City and I was
"Fascinated".
Well that was good Sally. But I wanted you to use the word" fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could
damage the word "Fascinate" so she called him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten eight"!
THE IRISH CONTRACTING FOR TELSTRA!
TELSTRA needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers for the Stuart Highway,
and McMurray and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from Port Pirie and a team of two Irish guys.
So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.
The team that installs the most poles gets the job."
Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Bud and Buddy, the two Port Pirie guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.
They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.
Forty-five minutes later, Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.
The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"
Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in.``
The boss gasped, "Three!!? Those two Port Pirie guys put in twelve!"
"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!
,, kel ,,
Ha ha, good one Kel. Here's an oldie but a goodie.
A swaggie and his dog were camped by a creek when along came a fellow traveller also with a dog, and after a short greeting they agreed to share the camp site for the night. After settling in, the traveller and his dog were contently resting by the camp fire when he noticed the other dog ferreting about in his master's haversack before dragging out a billy.
Upon seeing the travellers surprise the swaggie explained that his dog had a ritual each night where he would grab a billy, take it to the stream and fill it, then return and place the billy on the fire before taking an egg from the haversack and dropping it in the water. That's not bad said the traveller, as the swaggies dog by this time was sitting patiently by the now boiling billy.
The traveller went on to brag that his dog could easily do that and more, and not surprisingly the swaggie challenged the traveller to put up or shut up.
The traveller turned his gaze to his dog and said in a knowing tone, billy, at which his dog took a billy and raced to the stream and filled it, returned and placed it on the fire before taking an egg and dropping it in.
At this point each dog was now sitting loyally at the side of his proud master as both billy's boiled away, when suddenly the travellers dog planted his nose firmly on the ground, and while balancing on his two front paws, splayed both hind legs and tail outwards and up to the sky.
In total amazement the swaggie uttered, what's that stupid mutt of yours doing?
To this the traveller replied, he knows I don't have an egg cup.
couple of good one's there team :good:
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking
their mid-term exam. The last question was,
'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang
indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and is
high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
On average, an Australian man will have sex two to three times a week, where as a Japanese will have sex only one or two times a year.
This is upsetting news, as I had no idea I was Japanese.
Like it AJ. So when we hear the wife singing to herself "I'm turning Japanese I'm turning Japanese I really think so," it's not just about the first tune she heard on the radio that morning huh!:kez_11:
Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.
The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife,
"Harvey Norman".
The host asked him why that name?
He replied,
"Absolutely no interest for 36 months."
You guys are on fire :laughingneqw:
Pedro
Talking about things you hear on the radio, many years ago I heard a DJ giving an intro to the news. He said it was approaching eight 0'clock, so if you're in the Navy it's 8 bells, if you're in the army it's 0800, but if you're the BOYS IN BLUE, the little hand is on the 8 and the big hand is on the 12. True story Gord bless em :angel:
Q. What do Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper have in common?
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here."
The rope walks outside, ties himself in the middle, brushes out the strands at the bottom and heads back into the bar and goes to order a drink again.
The bartender gives him the once over and says, "Aren't you the rope I just threw out of here?" The rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
A.The same middle name!
At the pub written on the condom machine in the men's toilet
"Insert baby for refund"
Q. How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. To get to the other side.
Clue -
Dada n.
A European artistic and literary movement (1916-1923) that flouted conventional aesthetic and cultural values by producing works marked by nonsense, travesty, and incongruity.
Dada·ism n.
Dada·ist adj. & n.
Dada·istic adj.
there,s still some hope for you jeff .. ha ha ha very good
love the one of the rope and knot , it amused me for hours ..
,, kel ,,
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The above, is that from experience or what?
If that is the case and your game enough, tell your missus to loose some weight................:blush::sleepy::swoon::shock::scared::grin::blackeye::icon_cry:
I suspect that a black eye would be the least of your worries!
Pedro
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats. Its doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
:angel:
:laugh2: ...... most excellent AJ!
If you were the first one to discover this hanging glacier,
what would you name it?
moderator edit: innapropriate material for this forum
Me too!!!!
most of these emails come from old golf ladies..and to think this one was from someone 70+ so it's good to see some people can still have a laugh even at that age :laugh2:
Sorry, I didn't catch what you said you called it. Was that "taco"
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her some HELP.
Within minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You God for sending me such a very nice man."
The man heard her little prayer and replied, "Lady, I am NOT a nice man.
I just got out of PRISON yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Good one triplewitch.
Paddy goes to the doctor complaining of an irritation down where the sun don't shine.
The doc has a look and finds a $20 note partly poking out, so he removes it.
With that another appears, so he removes it as well, then another and another and so on.
When finally the notes stop appearing, the doc does a count and informs Paddy he has extracted just on $1980.
Paddy says that explains it then, I sure wasn't feeling too grand.
How the Taliban hide from the Americans.
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Scotland is breaking from the United kingdom, subject to the vote next week.
It will drift north (along with the North sea oil reserves) until it joins with Iceland to form a new union "Scotch on the Rocks".
As an aside, last time I was in the UK I had some Scottish banknotes in my wallet, as well as English notes. English shopkeepers would not accept the Scottish notes but, north of the border, they were happy to take either -pragmatic people the Scots.
Here ya go RG you can buy them so hubby will be happy that the truth finally comes out :)
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I love it!!
gotta get one!!
just new you would mate :winkextra: and for god sake don't tell hubby I told you or he might kill me :blush2:
I don't know how this link got here :)
http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_kw=His+Her+Bed
fanks
A senior couple decided to go shopping one day, and split their efforts by going separate ways.
Near the end of the shopping event they decided to get together for lunch.
As the woman was on her way to the rendezvous point, she heard a traffic warning on the radio that a car was driving in the wrong direction up ahead.
Knowing that her husband was near the point of the warning, she decided to call him on the cell phone.
When he answered, she explained, "I just heard on the news, someone is driving in the wrong direction on the highway!"
And the husband replied, "Only one? There's hundreds of folks going the wrong way where I am!"
sounds just like me when I am driving in Melbourne Nevol
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LOL for the curved...
Now those new red bananas are going to stuff them up, and 49 cents a pound and we pay how many dollars per Kg!
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office.
The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?"
The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears."
The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question.
The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears."
The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company.
As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.
Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts."
The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Are you stupid? You can't wear glasses, you've got no ears!"
oh no
that is terrible but funny as!!!!
yes Nevol very funny :laugh2:
Here's one for Sel.
A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a
show in Romford. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Essex blonde women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make
others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general ... pathetically all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='60041' dateline='1411643108'Here's one for Sel.
A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a
show in Romford. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.
ROFL
Excellent Basil, did not see it coming.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my fault."
:laugh2: Nevol
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Wh owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought You'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
:laugh2: to all the above
Pedro
Welfare Question!!!
When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, India, Iran, Iraq or any Arab countries, what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map of Australia !
What goes "clip, clop, clip, clop......BANG!......clip, clop, clip, clop"?
An Amish drive by shooting!
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya know, Mahtha, I'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane." And every year, Martha would say "I know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs .. and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So one year Stumpy says, "By Jeebers, Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, and if I don't go this time I may nevah go." Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there aihplane ride is ten dollahs ... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out ... but ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='60773' dateline='1412962547'An Amish drive by shooting!
:) :) :)
Had me stumped on that one.
Unicorn was logged in when I posted that. I am surprised no response from him -if not the expected answer at least something amusing.
Believe it or not I read it and it had me ....... in my thereafter state of deep thought I couldn't even come up with something even mildly amusing.
The only thing that kept coming into my head was the old (and worn out) one ........ what goes, laugh, laugh, laugh, plop? (A kookaburra laughing it's head off ..... I did warn you).
I did have a chuckle when I read the answer this morning though.
Nancy's one has been put to memory for later use as well.
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty
Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse just called."
ALWAYS GET A SECOND OPINION ~
I told a Psychiatrist, Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.
How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.
Well, Eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $5.90. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.
Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody gonna be under there from now on.
MURDER AT THE WAL-MART
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of ' Artie .'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal -Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor .
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie , the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plot, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband, who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
.
.
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!!'
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
I was lying on the couch enjoying the football when my wife said to clean the place up whilst she was away,"you could start my killing the flys,there must be half -a- dozen buzzing around.When she returned i told her i killed all 6 flys,5 females and a male,"how could you possibly know what sex they were"she asked.Easy,there were 5 resting on the phone and one on my beer can.
Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Julie Andrews Turning 79 - this is hysterical!
To commemorate her birthday, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
SING IT ALOUD TO THE LYRICS BELOW
Here are the lyrics she used:
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> > >>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>
(Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd
that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Feel free to
share this clever wit and humor with others who
would appreciate it.)
>
I was away for a few days and have about 60 joke Emails to sort thru..most are unsuitable for here esp. the Muslim ones doing the rounds so have posted a few that might pass muster.
Subject: Sex After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other
if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Marion, Marion."
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No... I'm a rabbit somewhere in Northern NSW."
Love both of them! :haha: :laughingneqw: :laugh2:
In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
It was so innocent and sincere that I just had to share it with you:
"Dear Lord: The past year has been very tough for me.
You have taken ... My favourite actor - James Garner; My favourite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
My favourite comedian - Robin Williams;
And finally, my favourite author -Tom Clancy.
I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are - Bill Shorten, Christine Milne, Sarah Hanson- Young, Geoff Shaw, Jacqui Lambie, and Clive Palmer. Amen!"
Love it!
And it would be easy to select different names; either for greatest amusement factor with any present company or for the greatest antagonism of them.
Crap, had to find out in a joke that James Garner is dead. Loved him in Darbys Rangers and The Great Escape.
Brilliant. Can't agree more........
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)
*" What's for dinner, Zorro?*
:laugh2: ....... Brilliant Basil!!!
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery.
The Arab steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see anything."
The Jew says to the Arab, "That's typically dishonest of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
The Jew swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then the Jew asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
The Jew replies "Look in the Arab's pocket....."
An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'
Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.
:laugh2: Some beauties there!
Pedro
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND and maybe in the world!
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, " John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
naughty but a goodie.........!
MURPHY'S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10 If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
Later that same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba
Wifey is rolling about the floor over that one..........
I LOVE #7 :laugh2:
Hello,
Some good gags here, but if you Copy them from a US site, PLEASE change it to Australian. I don't want to be a part of the 51'st state.
That's funny. I do the opposite. I copy from here and change them to US American where I can. I might be changing some of them back. Maybe some things are getting lost in the translations.
:wavemulticolor:
Quote from: 'Coiny Chris' pid='62822' dateline='1416817416'Hello,
Some good gags here, but if you Copy them from a US site, PLEASE change it to Australian. I don't want to be a part of the 51'st state.
Relax Mate, Humour is "Borderless" :ok:
Hello,
I often see Jokes where people say something happened to them, but as soon as I see the wording I know they copied it and were too lazy to change the wording / spelling. As you would gather, I find it annoying.
In the news today just for you Chris ....
http://www.news.com.au/technology/science/australian-readers-digest-chief-sub-editor-donyale-harrison-on-why-you-cant-spell/story-fn5fsgyc-1227133754884 (http://www.news.com.au/technology/science/australian-readers-digest-chief-sub-editor-donyale-harrison-on-why-you-cant-spell/story-fn5fsgyc-1227133754884)
A ninety year old aboriginal elder sat in his humpy eyeing two
government 'Welfare' officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him: "You have observed the white man for 90
years. You have seen his wars and his technological advances.
You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
The official continued: "Considering all these events, in your
opinion, where did the whitefella go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute
and then he calmly replied:
"When whitefella found the land, blackfellas were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty kangaroo,
Plenty fish,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled:
"Only whitefella bloody stupid enough to think he could improve a system like that."
Classic Kel! :laughingneqw:
Pedro
Things to do @ Kmart or Supermarket while the 'better half' is taking his/her sweet time:
1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a RAP Music station, then turn them all off and turn them up to full volume.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layby.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping section; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bedding.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
13. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
14. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
15. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
16. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
17. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
What is this world coming too I wonder?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Remind me NOT to escort you shopping, EVER!
Hello,
The list above was a joke doing the rounds a while ago on a Kmart letterhead, it was telling a Woman why her husband was banned. I think the Cat food has replaced Condoms in the list here.
It's OK. Most jokes have made the rounds. They're still funny.
Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell right through a tiled floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"
Love it Nevol!
Subject: Senior, setting password
WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.
USER:
cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER:
boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER:
1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER:
50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER:
50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character
consecutively.
USER:
50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccess
Now
WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use.
To:Subject: FW: Catholic Horses
A punter was at the horse races
Playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the
Track and blessed the forehead of one of the
Horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a
Small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long
Shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to
See which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest
Kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew
All his savings, and awaited for the Priest's
Blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track
For the last race and blessed the forehead of an
Old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and
Hooves of the old nag.
The punter knew he had a
Winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last.
In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long
You blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you
Blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants,
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites!
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What is it, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake,
But I'm just not happy."
"And why is that Eve?"
"Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"
"A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster
And will love to hunt, fish and bring you good things to eat. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.
He will revel in childish things like playing poker or knocking a ball around."
"He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows," but what's the catch?"
"Well,.. You can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord?"
"Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our
Little secret... You know, woman to woman."
:laugh2: Most excellent Basil !!!!!
Quote"our Little secret... You know, woman to woman."
:laughingneqw: :laugh2: :laughingneqw: :laugh2:
A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DANDENONG CENTRELINK OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS. 'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?"
'YEP, THEY ARE ALL MINE,' THE FLUSTERED MOTHER SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN BILLY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'
''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED BILLY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED BILLIE."
IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED BILLY?'
THEIR MUM REPLIED, 'WELL, YES-IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FORSCHOOL , I YELL, BILLY!' AN' WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL BILLY!' AND THEY ALL COME RUNNING. AND IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL 'BILLY' AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL BILLY.'
THE CASE WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH?'
'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAME.'
Probably very close to the truth.
:)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/real.jpg)
Ain't that the truth! :D
Pedro
I just don't get this fascination that people have with their phones.
Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . . she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :
.
.
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .now...
You do it . . . . !!"
:) :) :)
I think Christmas lunch was trying to escape!!
Can say that I have had the same thing happen at my place (ex the call to the cops!)
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-12-15/mudcrab-break-in-at-brisbane-west-end/5966784
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone Who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cores has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s---t."
Now that is a good one.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in
bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne
of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales
of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door
and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly
and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old
carpenters' saw.
The banged-up-cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in
her husband's hand and said ........
"Nope .... you are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!"
eeekkkk!!!!
I'll bet he decides to burn instead of going through life without "it".
Quote from: 'Goose' pid='63774' dateline='1418748983'I'll bet he decides to burn instead of going through life without "it".
Getting bobbited is fate worse than death.
Or he could get it re-attached and go into porn like John Wayne Bobbit.
Oooh, I wonder if it would hurt?
It's all about thinking outside the box, so to speak. I reckon that bench could be ripped from the floor and carried to freedom along with the vice and contents. :yahoo:
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the
Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he
was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and
they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him
$240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets $190 a week,
along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day,
does 90% of the work, earns about $25 a week along with
a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets
to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy
A must have gift for the wine connoisseur/snob. Pity about the proliferation of screw tops lately!
Summer Drinking Guide (http://smh.digitaleditions.com.au/olive/ode/smh_daily/server/GetContent.asp?contentsrc=primitive&dochref=SMH%2F2014%2F12%2F20&entityid=Pc04101&pageno=41&chunkid=Pc04101&pagelabel=39&repformat=1.0&primid=Pc0410100&imgext=jpg&type=Content&for=primitive)
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='63933' dateline='1419065507'A must have gift for the wine connoisseur/snob. Pity about the proliferation of screw tops lately!
Summer drinking Guide (http://smh.digitaleditions.com.au/olive/ode/smh_daily/server/GetContent.asp?contentsrc=primitive&dochref=SMH%2F2014%2F12%2F20&entityid=Pc04101&pageno=41&chunkid=Pc04101&pagelabel=39&repformat=1.0&primid=Pc0410100&imgext=jpg&type=Content&for=primitive)
HeHeHe
Nothing quite like the smell of Goat and Fresh Goat Poop while quaffing a glass of Plonk in a flash wine bar :P
Post Office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
Downton Abbey - "Aplomb"
His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" asked His Lordship.
"Aplomb," My Lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, My Lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, My Lord. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Wills plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, My Lord, ministering to their needs.
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
"I witnessed the incident, My Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, My Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.
Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?
Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.
Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defence Attorney:
Why not?
Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney:
What happened next?
Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?
Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bugger.
how to start a fight
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke my wife kept nagging me to get it fixed. But, I always had something else to take care of. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
I found her seated in the tall, unmowed grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Lots of dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver chest hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing naked, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
That's when the fight began . . .
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
the start of a really bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started
:laughingneqw:
Keep 'em coming Basil!
Pedro
(http://i1285.photobucket.com/albums/a585/auntyrobbs/1239371_415757355213324_293798296_n_zps189b497a.jpg)
Ok a few more computer related one's, I was going to pick the better one's but then couldn't be bothered..I think some here will really be able to relate to some of them :)
Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAA Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
That call centre joke is quite funny but smells like an urban myth.
Quote"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate inquired of Wills with a loud voice, 'Darling, does your prick still throb?' And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."
that punch line is absolutely "Priceless", I had tears in my eyes from laughing at that one:yahoo:
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation
By not wearing anything that would identify them
As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
The scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking
Straight towards them .............They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
Nodding and addressing each of them individually,
Then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy
The sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,
'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guido the Italian Lover
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.
This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion..
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping ...
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,
"No, I'm Norwegian."
:) :) :)
E-Mail Note from a man in Sheffield to his friend in Birmingham:
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365.
My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all.
I've never felt safer.
All Thanks to Allah.
ROMANCE
Barb was lying in bed one night. Art was falling asleep but Barb was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me..."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Art threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked..
"To get my teeth!"
____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
My 85+ uncle was fumbling with his credit cards at the WalMart checkout to pay for the groceries. The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
More than a little flustered uncle Gerald said he made a mental note to complain to the local police department about this security rubbish. ANYWAY, he did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, he found out that she was referring to how he should position his banking card in the processor.
"Nonetheless" he said, "we've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future."
"You need to make your instructions a little clearer for us seniors" he said while shaking his finger in the store manager's face.
Don't you just hate this getting old stuff?
I visited the office of the RSPCA today. It's tiny; you couldn't swing a cat in there.
Barry is distracted -texting while driving- and crashes into the back of a dwarf's car smashing the bumper and lights real good.
The dwarf gets out, looks at all the damage, and growls "I'm not happy".
"Well, which one are ya then?" asks Barry.
Two blowflies are sitting on a cow pat when one says to the other "Hey Bazza, want to hear a funny joke?"
"Yeah sure" comes the reply. "But I'm eating so it better not involve anything disgusting."
It's breakfast time, and a woman asks her husband,
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast,
and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now.
"It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something.
"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2015/01/28
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10011/pic.jpg)
Just call him "Stan" from now on. How did you score the gig with Rebel, Uni?
STAN the unicorn (https://www.comparetv.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Stan-ads.jpg)
It's funny you know Jeff, in the midnight hour she just kept yelling more more more. Then the police were called so I told her don't Stan so, don't Stan so, don't Stan so close to me. So I quess the name stuck. (Like skittles to clay).
gawd
that was clever Uni
Nah, I'll Stan by You looks more appropriate! :D
Pedro
:laugh2: .... I suppose someone has to stan by her as .... she'll never never be any good.
thought for the day .....
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10035/1620374_10152242355289140_1541697308_n.jpg)
Amazing little buggers those squirrels, when we were in the US last December there were heaps of them scampering around parks and even on the roads. One place of note was in the grounds of the state capitol building in Austin. They look cute, but I reckon they would rip your arms off!!
They're everywhere, but generally harmless unless diseased or cornered.
they look cute in photos
I have never seen one in real life
we have a possum at our place - she had a baby with her for a long time but he is grown up now
they look so pretty but can apparently be aggressive - probably the same, if cornered
but they have a growl that is unsettling
when I saw the movie Predator - the sound that the intergalaxy warrior made reminded me of the Australian possum - I swear that they had set up the original sound recorder in aussie back yard (if not mine - when I hear rustling at night I look under the zucchini leaves for intergalaxy warrior footprints!! ha ha) !!
When we had some roof work done some years ago, 'our' possum rushed out and bit one of the workers on the leg when he tried to evict it from a water pipe.
It's a female and has a baby every year and when it's time for baby to leave home, there's always a barney and while it's going on it sounds quite aggressive.
Oh so they do get in the roof! Yes when I hear our possums going for gold I often wonder if I should grab some needle and thread to stitch one of them up. But I know who would be ending up with stitches and a tetanus shot. Bit like the day I got the hubby to rescue an injured cook a too in the back yard. He has never forgiven me for that one. Bird bit through leather gloves.
It's called nuisance wildlife here, and exterminators need a special license to remove them.
When we lived at Holland Park our house was a high set, and just outside our bedroom was a huge tree ( it started with a P but I can't spell it, also blossomed a rich red every summer ). We would nearly always have the french doors that led to a small balcony open, and quite often the wildlife would pay us a visit. One night we were awakened by a scratching noise, the culprit was a brushtail possum and her baby climbing the mirror stand. My wife got out of bed and ushered them out through the curtains, and as the little one went by it stopped a gave her a long and knowing look before casually joining mother brushy in the tree.
That baby possum stayed around for years, and long after attaining adult status was the only one that trusted us to handle it. Of course the apples and bananas we left on the feed tray each night encouraged it and many others to hang around. But we liked to think the bedroom experience many years before was responsible for a special bond.
I know pretty well that most of us shouldn't feed wildlife at all.
But something inside of us tells us "help feed this little critter, regardless of what it is".
I like the idea of taming a wildlife.
I use to sit at the end of my patio and flick corn at two doves that settled near the back. After a while, one of the doves followed the line of corn right up to my hand. It took many hours but eventually one dove put one foot onto my hand for a hand feed. After that, as soon as I stepped out the dove would fly down to me.
It's like our forum member who posted pictures of the Kookaburra that would fly down onto his shoulder when he went over to his recycling patch.
Loverly.
Q. How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. I cannot say; the Government has classified that information.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV that said the way to achieve inner peace and feel contented with ones lot in life is every morning finish off all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I've started and hadn't finished and have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminum scriptins, the res of the chescike and a bix of chicoletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I fool rite now. Pleeze sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum.!!:kez_15:
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table,
with all my buddies watching, while your girl friend whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
I'm his school Teacher..
Senior tax return
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2013 back from the ATO. and it puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all your dependents?"
I replied: 1 million Muslim immigrants we provide everything for; 50,000 crack heads in rehab ;
1 million unemployed people on the dole and not looking for work,
25,000 people in prison, 26,000 boat people who just arrived for a holiday ,
535 persons in the Parliament and Senate!!!!
They told me that this was NOT the correct answer.SO I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HELL DID I MISS?
Will bring a tear to your eyes....J
A small boy named Wally lived in Punchbowl,
a suburb in South Western Sydney.
None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity,
especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him,
"you are driving me mad Wally".
One day Wally's mum came to school to check on how he was doing.
The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son is simply a disaster,
getting very low marks and even she had never seen
such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.
The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from
the school and even moved out of Sydney, North of Newcastle.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease.
All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery,
which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.
She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand,
trying to tell him something but eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong
, when he turned around he saw our friend Wally,
working as a cleaner in the clinic,
who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!
*Don't tell me you were thinking that Wally became a heart-surgeon?*!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lexophilia
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the twisted crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN ... IT'S CHEAP MEDICINE.
SHOW 'EM YOUR CROSS
Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch
of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know
who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little
wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at Mother Superior, "Was that cross enough?!"
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw:
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - By Pam Ayres
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey........................
************************************************************
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.
"May I help you sir?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the
madam.
"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit. Without
hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights
in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price
was still £5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?"
The man replied, " Edinburgh .."
"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister
died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your £15,000
inheritance in person ...............
" The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ...................
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
:laughingneqw:
Pedro
Thanks,got heaps Pedro but most aren't suitable for here esp. the current Muslim ones doing the rounds.Big Social media campaign against the current Oz Post head,apparently he donates A$1 Mill.+ of his salary to a Muslim centre in Melb. whilst preparing the public for massive change(read less staff). Big Drama ahead with AP i think.
http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/australia-post-donates-boss-ahmed-fahours-2m-bonus-to-islamic-museum-of-australia/story-fni0fiyv-1226958003540
Thought this one desrves a wider audience. Your call is important to us. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2CqAetEY8g)
A Priest,a Minister, and a Rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.Later they get together. The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.""I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him."They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. "Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.
"Mike goes out drinking one night and gets blackout drunk. He wakes up the next morning to find that he has lost his credit card. He needs to get it back but he got so drunk he doesn't remember which bar he ended up at. The only thing he remembers is that the bar had a golden toilet.He walks into down and goes into one bar and asked the bartender, "Excuse me, this is a weird question, but do you happen to have a golden toilet here?" "A golden toilet? I don't think so," the bartender said, giving him a strange look. The man walked into another bar, "excuse me, you don't happen to have a golden toilet here, do you?" said Mike."A golden toilet, huh? Don't be ridiculous."This continues all day until finally Mike walks into a bar all the way on the other side of town. He asks the bartender: "Excuse me, I know this is going to sound strange, but do you have a golden toilet here? I got really drunk last night and left my credit card at a bar with a golden toilet." The bartender smiles, turns around and yells, "Hey Bob, I found the guy who had a dump in your Tuba.......
:laugh2: ..... Poor old Bob, I bet he was that upset with the Tuba that he blew the sh## out of it!
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mummy', the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied. 'It's not polite'.
'OK', the little girl says,
'What colour was your hair 2 years ago?'
'Now really', the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business'.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mum won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'
'I also know that you used to have brown hair.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because on your driving licence it says you got an F in sex.'
Now that is funny.
Many, many snows ago, I happened to see my mom's driver's license and notice her birth date of 7-17-15. I then told a lot of people her age, but being a small squirt, left out a detail or so. Then my mom mentioned to me that I shouldn't have told people her age. I asked why. She then said a woman friend said to my mom, "Gee, you don't look your age." My mom then asked why. The friend said, "Well, we were told that you were born in 1715."
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ........"
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he placed $100 at 5-1. It won by two lengths.
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her crotch. He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races 2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune'....................
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was scratched!'
Hope this is too offensive!
Ahhhh...the French....
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle: At the dinner table,
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison?
What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...... and no one
knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said:
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, "appiness!'"
:laugh2: ...... Brilliant AJ! Didn't see that coming! :angel:
Maybe Madame de Gaulle meant what she said.
How about a few Aussie sayings?
#AussieSayings (https://twitter.com/SimonChapman6/status/574495430962118656)
More?
Outrageous Aussie Sayings (http://www.sunburntcountry.au.com/sayings/fulllist.html)
Have heard some of those latter sayings, but didn't realise there are so many. Thanks for sharing, and will use the living brain doner quip tomorrow for sure ha ha
Cannibalism
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+ Tourist: $8.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $12.50
Fricassee Liberal Politician or
Baked Green Politician or Grilled Labor Politician $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
I like the saying "sprogged on a hot sheet of iron in the sun and hatched"
:laugh2:
Great lists & AJ's little gem.
Pedro
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think,
From listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'
The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'
The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am'
The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'
The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived
On Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'
The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'
The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of Course..'
The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me,
What Year did you graduate?'
The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
Hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you
Believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'
Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Last time I heard that one the protagonists were male!
Yeah some just keep going round and round :winkextra:
Good one,i haven't heard that since the 1970's,Brian Doyle at North Sydney(possibly Balmain?) Leagues.
Is that the Brian Doyle from Brian Doyle and John Clarke, funny as that pair :)
Nah,AJ,different guy,he's a bit past it now but in his heyday was very funny,made is name in Oz. on the Tonite Shows & the Leagues Club circuit here in NSW.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oIh0fbYfoo
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: thanks Basil, yeah he's pretty good :good:
And in racing yesterday ..........
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/pph1.jpg)
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
There. That, should piss off just about everybody.....
I found it quite amusing....thanks, it put a little smile on my face.
(http://i59.tinypic.com/2udyhi9.jpg)
i'm with the ol' girl on the right ..:laughingneqw::D
Also, no embalming needed.
I found this quite amusing. New Kid on the Block (http://smh.digitaleditions.com.au/OLIVE/ODE/SMH_DAILY/LandingPage/LandingPage.aspx?href=U01ILzIwMTUvMDMvMjI.&pageno=MTgx&entity=QXIxODEwMQ..&view=ZW50aXR5)
If you don't immediately identify who the person is with the handlebar moustache, unbuttoned shirt and gold chains is then you have just failed the Australian Citizenship test and should depart the country immediately -or you are just too young. And, I suppose you don't even know what a "sandshoe crusher" is either?
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
(http://i58.tinypic.com/ve7y9z.jpg)
There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by an old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without a leash.
Her car doesn't even have a number plate, but the police do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has never had a regular job in her life, and her bad-tempered husband is notorious for his racist comments.
A shopkeeper blamed him for arranging the murder of his son's ex-wife and her boyfriend, but nothing has ever been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thinks is gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs.
One of them just got married and seems to be settling down but the second is out of control. It is not even known if they have the same father.
I hate living near Buckingham Palace.
Gee this one tickled my funny bone :angel:
(http://i57.tinypic.com/2d6wm7o.jpg)
Apparently, the correct answer was "LUCK BE IN THE AIR TONIGHT"...
Who'd have gotten that?
Hi,
Air is 3 letters. The word many are thinking of is 4. Check the spelling in an Australian dictionary.
yeah but air would have the I appear in the pic and it don't, so yeah dirty mind works just fine
Aeroplanes anyone? :angel:
Pedro
WHAT CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY............
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers
funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead. I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
bahahaha
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another
parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!
You've done it again Basil :laugh2:
Pedro
A couple are getting ready for a fancy dress party when the wife walks out with only a lemon hanging over her snatch. The husband takes one look and storms off to the kitchen and return with a potato on his dong. The wife says "what the hell" and the husband replies "well shit, if you're going as a sour puss then I'm going as a dictator"
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='70921' dateline='1429356959'You've done it again Basil :laugh2:
Pedro
Thanks,lot of unsuitable stuff doing the rounds now so not much to choose from.
A little house with three bedrooms,
one bathroom and one car on the street.
A mower that you had to push
to make the grass look neat.
In the kitchen on the wall
we only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
someone was always home.
We only had a living room
where we would congregate,
less it was at mealtime
in the kitchen where we ate.
We had no need for family rooms
or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
those two rooms would work out fine.
We only had one TV set
and channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
with something worth the view.
For snacks we had potato chips
that tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavour
there was onion dip.
Shop-bought snacks were rare because
my mother liked to cook
and nothing can compare to snacks
in Betty Crocker's book
Weekends were for family trips
or staying home to play.
We all did things together --
even go to church to pray.
When we did our weekend trips
depending on the weather,
no one stayed at home because
we liked to be together.
Sometimes we would separate
to do things on our own,
but we knew where the others were
without our own mobile phone.
Then there were the movies
with your favourite movie star,
and nothing can compare
to watching movies in your car.
Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
pack a lunch and find some trees
and never need a reason.
Get a cricket game together
with all the friends you know,
have real action playing ball --
and no game video.
Remember when the doctor
used to be the family friend,
and didn't need insurance
or a lawyer to defend?
The way that he took care of you
or what he had to do,
because he took an oath and strived
to do the best for you.
Remember going to the store
and shopping casually,
and when you went to pay for it
you used your own money?
Nothing that you had to swipe
or punch in some amount,
and remember when the cashier person
had to really count?
The milkman used to go
from door to door,
And it was just a few pence more
than going to the store.
There was a time when mailed letters
came right to your door,
without a lot of junk mail ads
sent out by every store.
The postman knew each house by name
and knew where it was sent;
there were not loads of mail addressed
to "present occupant."
There was a time when just one glance
was all that it would take,
and you would know the kind of car,
the model and the make.
They didn't look like turtles
trying to squeeze out every mile;
they were streamlined, white walls, fins
and really had some style.
One time the music that you played
whenever you would jive,
was from a vinyl, big-holed record
called a forty-five.
The record player had a post
to keep them all in line
and then the records would drop down
and play one at a time.
Oh sure, we had our problems then,
just like we do today
and always we were striving,
trying for a better way.
Oh, the simple life we lived
still seems like so much fun,
how can you explain a game,
just kick the can and run?
And why would boys put cards
between bicycle spokes
and for a sixpence, red machines
had little bottled Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier
and slower in some ways.
I love the new technology
but I sure do miss those days.
So time moves on and so do we
and nothing stays the same,
but I sure love to reminisce
and walk down memory lane.
With all today's technology
we grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
Hey look, guys, THAT WAS US!
LIFE IS SHORT. SMILE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TEETH
A rich Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl and traditional locks of hair. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there." Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not the Jew again. The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, " What the hell is the matter with that Jew? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 100 of them but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me.
Is he nuts ? "
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
That little walk down memory lane is pretty close Basil!
We used to cut up cereal packets to get the cardboard pieces that would then be attached to the bike frame with pegs.
Pedro
He was getting old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the R.S.L.,
Telling stories of the past.
Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his mates;
They were heroes, every one.
And 'tho sometimes to his neighbours
His tales became a joke,
All his mates listened quietly
For they knew where of he spoke.
But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For ol' Jack has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For an ANZAC died today.
He won't be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.
He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho an ANZAC died today.
When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.
The Media tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young,
But the passing of an ANZAC,
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.
Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Some smoothie who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?
Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?
The politician's stipend
And the style in which they live,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that they give.
While the ordinary ANZAC,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.
It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.
Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever-waffling stand?
Or would you want an ANZAC
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common soldier,
Who would fight until the end?
He was a worthy ANZAC,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his likes again.
For when our countries are in conflict,
We find the ANZAC's part,
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.
If we cannot do him honour
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.
Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
An ANZAC DIED TODAY."
What a great post.
Very appropriate, and very True.
Thank you Basil :good:
That was great!
Superb verse.! :cray:
Thanks,not sure who wrote it,it did the rounds at this time last year IIRC,author obviously doesn't like Politicians.
I don't think the author would be alone!
Pedro
Loved it and thanks.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS
YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY,
OLD,
BALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT ARSED,
GREY HAIRED,
DECREPIT,
BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?
sorry 'bout caps...
Thanks, that was exceptional!
Don't Mess With Old People
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/Don_t_Mess_With_Old_People.jpg)
Love it!
These are classified ads reportedly placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.
"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
_______________
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________ ______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. . . Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Did you know, due to current economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off?
Did you know, due to domestic strife, the light at the end of the tunnel is attached to an on-coming train.
Gave me a well needed laugh.!! Thanks Basil.! :laughingneqw:
Quote8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
Sounds like some of the kids you sometimes see at the supermarket :angel:
Had a giggle as did the wife.
I'm Never Having Kids
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/I_m_Not_Having_Kids.jpg)
My Living Will
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/My_Living_Will.jpg)
Paying Attention ~
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring . The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds , so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house , a woman complains : "I've been a little sick to my stomach".
The older doctor says : "Well , you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit . Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick ?"As they left , the younger man said : "You didn't even examine that woman ?
How do you come to the diagnosis so quickly ?"
"I didn't have to . You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash . That was what probably was making her sick".
The younger doctor said: "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house".
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said: "I'm feeling terribly run down lately".
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her . "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps".
As they left, the elder doctor said : "I know that woman well . Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she's very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house . I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
:laugh2:
The ATO (Assets Taken Over) seems to have missed a gig!
Pedro
The Will
A man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
The wife rolls her eyes and replies:
"He had a newspaper route."
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - -
and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . ..replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications..
' Which one ?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ' It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. .. . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery..
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said
'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!!! . . . . . . .
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams...
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .
' No, doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener .' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
:laugh2: :laugh2:
Pedro
Reading those embarrassing moments by Basil reminded me of a true story. At the risk of talking about myself, here goes.
I was 21 and had just moved from the country to live in Sydney, you could still smell the gum leaves on me, and there was a need to visit the doctor on account of a bout with hemorrhoids. She asked what my stools were like, and remembering the old hands at work had always told me to never sit on cold steel because I would get piles, I replied "wooden ones":blush::blush:
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician. Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong. The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00". The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemised bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
-Turning of one screw: $1.00.
-Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
(http://rlv.zcache.com/carpe_diem_translation_its_fishing_time_tshirt-rd3694afbc32147c981db2a858739ed6f_804gs_512.jpg)(http://media.techeblog.com/images/funny-boat-name.jpg)
An elderly man had owned a large property for several years.
He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.
The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.
He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'
Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.
Living on earth may be expensive,
but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War, and his Helicopter was shot down over enemy territory. Whilst waiting for rescue in the wreck he started drinking the beer cases they had been carrying.Soon the crash site was surrounded by 100 Viet-Cong,all he had to defend himself was a machine gun and a machete. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story."Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife. The following conversation took place.
Husband. I lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.
Policeman. What is her height?
Husband. I never checked.
Policeman. Slim or fat?
Husband. Not slim, not fat.
Policeman. Colour of eyes?
Husband. Never noticed.
Policeman. Colour of hair?
Husband. Changes according to season.
Policeman. What was she wearing?
Husband. Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Policeman. Was she driving?
Husband. Yes.
Policeman. Colour of the car?
Husband. Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door , and then the husband started crying.
Policeman. Don't worry sir, we will find your car.
Glad he had his priorities right. :)
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you were talking about Goats."
.............................................
Subject: Texas Barber...
Back in the wild west a Texan fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...
While the barber began to sharpen the blade on the strap a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer".
............................................................................................................
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
:laugh2: Don't ever lose your supply line of jokes Basil - you come up with some little gems!
Pedro
One for our professional members.
Q. What is the difference between a coin dealer and a large supreme pizza?
A. The pizza can feed a family of four! (Boom tish!)
Love em, keep em coming folks.
Did you know there was a vegetable that could be arrested for a crime?
Celery for stalking.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10035/huge-celery-vegetable-jokes-funny-pinoy-photos.jpg)
:laugh2: ..... RG, that's eggsactly the type of carrotcature I'd eggspect in this thread.
It's definitely catching whatever it is!
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='74678' dateline='1434768076':laugh2: ..... RG, that's eggsactly the type of carrotcature I'd eggspect in this thread.
:laugh2:
Pedro
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table.
I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out
of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
well done Nevol , what a shock to all .
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by a recently coined term referred to as "POLITICAL CORRECTNESS"! Although I consider myself rather fluent in the English language, that term was not in my vocabulary. My curiosity got the better of me and I decided to do a little research and after two weeks of chasing fruitless leads, I found what I'd been looking for at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence Missouri. An unnamed source there sent me copies of four telegrams that were between Harry Truman and Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the Surrender Agreement with Japan. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received, not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo,Japan
0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions!
(2) Washington, D C
1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan
1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C
2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh**t by the clean end!
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting.
While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?"
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"
The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Abby,
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
What should I do?
Signed: Clueless
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States.
Act like one.
Abby
Just to lower the tone even further than Nevol.........
Man Gets Biggest Shock Ever After Eating A Hot Chilli. This Is Insane.
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Big Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
Basil, you tell a good story. I didn't stop laughing till well and truly after I finished reading the above.
I just tried to eat a clock. It was very time consuming. :)
The Satnav - by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, And all those to the rear
And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
Well put together Basil. I like it.
that clever Basil
it is me to a tee
I just read it to to my hubby!!
Yeah,Thanks,Pam Ayers is very clever,i'm in a Internet loop with family/friends and some great stuff comes along but a lot is not suitable for here unfortunately.
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='74830' dateline='1435147496'Yeah,Thanks,Pam Ayers is very clever,i'm in a Internet loop with family/friends and some great stuff comes along but a lot is not suitable for here unfortunately.
That is OK Basil....,...just email them to me......
OK,can you PM me your Email address and i will fwd.
An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request.
Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I have never been with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins,
who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them
before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually
ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"
Now there's a concept I hadn't thought of..........
: oops camels
A new army captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan
Desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on t
post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges.That's why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand
about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.Crazed with
passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.
When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?
''No Sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
I remember many years ago , when I was young ,I was drunk this night and was going home from the pub , I got on a tram in Brisbane and there was only one seat left , and it was next to this middle age lady , so I sat down beside her and smiled at her as I did so , she looked at me and said ,
[[[ you should be ashamed of yourself , you are drunk , you are very drunk ]]]
an I said back to her ,
[[[ lady, you are ugly , you are very ugly , but remember in the morning I will be sober ]]] .
A visitor to a zoo is being taken around enclosures containing cross-bred species, with one of the staff commenting on the creatures.
"This," he says, "is a cross between a hen and a sparrow and we call it a 'Harrow'."
"The next is a cross between a magpie and a wren and we call it a 'Magren'.
And over there is a cross between a pheasant and a duck and we call him 'Joe'."
The Greek Bail Out
It is a slow day in a little Greek village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night in. The owner gives him some keys and as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay the butcher, who takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the E100 note.The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism. And that Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bail out package works.
excellent
I hope that are working on that one as the options are getting less every day
ironically didn't the Germans offer to bail them out some time back?
And the Greeks refused because the Germans have never defeated them in many wars and they weren't going to let them defeat Greece with an economic stranglehold!
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10035/10985982_711543665624932_5816492824083119497_n.jpg)
Harsh, .... but probably true :-/
Pedro
Quote from: 'robbiegal' pid='75478' dateline='1436535179'(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10035/10985982_711543665624932_5816492824083119497_n.jpg)
Hey! I resemble that remark. :)
Looking for a lost Coin and found a couple of Pics. of myself as a Baby.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/baby_computer.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Baby_Bee.jpg)
JEEZE MATE
We must be long lost Twins :yahoo::angel:
Hehe,Dad never talked about the WA branch of the Family;
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat," agreed to look after her
neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large House and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable
to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After She explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the
ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"Just worked for me," he replied. L
funny
Very good...... how well I remember.
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
:laughingneqw:
Pedro
Great!
I don't know if this ha been done before but ill put it up anyway
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
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These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress who was taking an order at another table suddenly noticed the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't smart
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'
(Shane Wakelin).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein.'
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.'
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in
Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids
During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!)
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
What time it is.'
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird ).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jonathan Brown , on night Grand Finals vs Day Games
'It's basically the same, just darker.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it
With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.' (HYSTERICAL)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season:
'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago'
(Dermott Brereto n).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.'
(Mark Williams).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least this one could have been ironic?
'We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.'
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles ).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
(Luke Darcy).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
Was identical.'
(Dermott Brereton).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
Them serious.'
(Adrian Anderson).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
Thing again.
(Andrew Demetriou).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
There are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?'
David Swartz : 'On what?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Dermott Brereton).
........................................And they also get paid.......................a bit of a worry!?!
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: Basil, Basil, Basil, gee you crack me up mate :) good stuff :good:
Go the "Power". :angel:
I think somebody may have turned off their electricity supply for this year Robster :angel:
Pedro
LOL. My scarf 'hangs limp'.:cray: Even worse is the fact that Mrs. Robster is a Crows fan.:dodgy:
A marriage made in heaven :laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='76220' dateline='1437785785':laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: Basil, Basil, Basil, gee you crack me up mate :) good stuff :good:
Thanks AJ,reminds me of some of the quotes from ABC commentators when they started to televise Golf in Oz, in the 1960's.
"the majority of putts left short don't go in" & a classic from a Oz Open at Royal Melbourne as a guy lined up a slick downhill putt,"he's putting down the slope with the wind behind so shouldn't have any trouble getting the ball to the hole ".
One of the lynchpins in our Internet Joke circuit is in Hospital so the flow is a bit quiet at the moment.
The first Reversing Sensor
Most cars these days have a reversing sensor to beep if there is something too close behind you.
This handy feature was first installed on vehicles in Asia and were much more intrusive than systems in place today.
The old systems let out a squeal when you back up and hit something.
(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y177/snertspike/cid_part1_05070600_05020704bigpond_net_zpsaf2s9cdr.jpg)
:) :) :)
Gee I don't know who's worse, maybe as bad as each other, good show I must say. Be better if I didn't keep falling off my chair :)
I hope your friend gets better soon Basil :friends:
From the 1956 Summer Olympics ...... see Lorraine Crapp in the pool :angel:
Subject: A Scottish Solder
A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,"says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
:laugh2: Very good Kel!!
Option two, I once turned my socks inside out when they were past it :blush:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part30_08020007_00050405_bigpond.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part5_06010308_08010708_bigpond.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part32_07090903_06020704_bigpond.jpg)
I had a couple of members send me this and gee I laughed..even though it's not funny with the piggies with their nose in the trough
http://media.theage.com.au/featured/bronnie-living-the-high-life-6708600.html
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='76630' dateline='1438256582'I had a couple of members send me this and gee I laughed..even though it's not funny with the piggies with their nose in the trough
http://media.theage.com.au/featured/bronnie-living-the-high-life-6708600.html
Very good AJ......made my morning.
:yahoo:
I wonder if 'Bronnie' could do a weekly run to P.C.G.S. for some of her constituents. :angel:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/pol.jpg)
:laugh2: pretty good but it's a shame they spend more time in our pockets :winkextra: Bloody cold here this morning with a cool 1 degree :fie:
Got down to 9 in Cairns and if you weren't wearing a jumper you didint own one
A J, it got down to a 'cool' 1 C (+34 F)? We got down to a cool -43 C (-43 F) a few years ago.....pleasant, but a little cool.
Gee Goose that's just way too cold for me as I get headaches and end up in bed this cold..hence why I don't go to the snow :( Darwin sounds really good this time of year, light 30's day time and 20 at night sounds bloody good to me :)
That's pretty cold for cairns Stevo.
An English lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me into there;
he removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "He was an Australian Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied, "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long".
Sam is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Sam, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Sam, sell your business for $1 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says 'Sam, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Sam, take the $1 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Sam, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He's dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Sam, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Sam gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Sam, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It's another ace. He has twenty. "Sam, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Sam shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Sam says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The booming voice goes: "UN-*UCKING-BELIEVABLE
"Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door. In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.
'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?"
His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.
I speak Esparanto like a native.
Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.
― Spike Milligan
Blame Duke
Previous Next
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, ''Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them.''
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
''Great!'' he thought. ''They really think it's the dog!'' So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts ''Duke!!'' and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. ''Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!!''
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!
Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!
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Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.....
Or, I'll receive it from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And I don't go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way......a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse...........
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late:-
:laugh2: .... thank you Nevol
(ps: Yes, my hand was on the mouse)
Mine too. :imwithstupid:
Oops, I think I qualified as well but in my defence it's hard to read the post without using the mouse to scroll down.
Anyhow, just out of interest, I would like to know how low my IQ is?
Pedro
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: thanks team I needed a good laugh :)
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes for 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box..gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Women that carry a few extra kilos, live longer than men who dare to mention it.
Bob has gone missing.
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Emo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
The most common method of sex, is the doggy style.
The man sits up and begs.
The woman rolls over and plays dead. :)
:laugh2::laugh2: good one trigger
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Clipboard.jpg)
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: not bad Basil, not bad at all mate :D
Thanks AJ,its from a Computer Club magazine but while its not side splitting its clever for those who remember the early days of Windows.
Subject: FW: Wonderfully British..
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses and replied, "How very sporting of your mother!"
I had my coathangers spayed.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a five dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Q. What do you do if attacked by a mob of feral clowns and you are fighting for your life?
A. Go for the juggler!
This is one police report that was reported in our city's weekly newspaper.
"Sept 6, 2015 -- 9:40 PM -- 1st Avenue N. Officers were dispatched to a report of strange creatures in a person's yard. Upon arrival, an officer observed several duck decoys in the caller's yard. The caller's neighbor came out and said it was a practical joke. No further action was taken." The worse part of this is that no doubt the caller votes.....good grief!
Breaking news this morning, Pope Francis was to be driven to breakfast with the homeless and he approached the driver of his limousine an expressed his desire to drive on the freeway himself! After assuring the frighnbed driver and instructing him to climb into the rear seat Pope Francis got under the wheel of the stretch monster and wheeled out on the loop circling DC! Apparently he was enjoying the drive a little too much and got too fast and was stopped by a DC police officer. The patrolman walked up to the car and signaled for the driver to roll down the tinted window and when the Pope in his Papal finery was revealed the offices mumbled, "Stay right here sir" and hurried back to his unit where he was heard to say into the mic. "I need back up here at mile marker three!" Wha;s the problem Sgt.? "I think I may be in trouble, I have stopped someone so important it is bound to be a mess!" Who is it,is it the Mayor, "No" said the officer, The governor, don't tell me you have stopped the president said the dispatcher? No,no said the guy, I don't know who he is, I don't recognize him but he has the Pope driving for him!
:yahoo:..good one.
Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover
Than love a loser.
Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom
Often called Daddy
Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account.
You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ...
One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have
Than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex.
Neither any good if you don't get it.
My Neighbour!
She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across
the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to
have a good time, dance, get drunk, and make mad, passionate love. Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!!!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that...
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party!"
Why you should always wear underwear.
(http://i43.tinypic.com/wlvfdg.jpg)
A guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a bloody mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my bloody pyjamas and can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married..."
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
**************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
**************************************
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
I can always count on you to brighten up my day Basil.
Good work Mate :yahoo:
:laugh2: Definitely some good cackles in there!
Pedro
Apparently this is an oldie, so I just got to see it after crawling out from under my rock. Very funny!!
www.youtube.com/embed/gSw4CLV14sQ?rel=0
Made my eyes water :blink:
Pedro
After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.
When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream."
"Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"
The following are results from an OZ-words Competition
where entrants were asked to take an Australian word,
alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.
Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.
Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.
AUSTRALIAN TAXATION OFFICE
Life does not always get better just because you are the boss!
The Australian Taxation Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper
wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him:
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
"Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged
guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around
here. He makes about $100 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a
bottle of Bundaberg rum and a dozen Crown Lagers every Saturday night so he can
cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
"That would be me".
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"Morris Feinberg," he
replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?". "For about 60
years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray
for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews,
and the Muslims"."I pray for all the wars and all the
hatred to stop"; "I pray for all our children to grow up
safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow
man","I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put
the interests of the people ahead of their own
interests.". And finally "I pray that everyone
will be happy". How do you feel after doing
this for 60 years; "Like I'm talking to a f-ing
Brick wall" ! ......
:laugh2: ..... fine form Basil!!!
Thanks,a lot of the jokes in the loop are repeated,not sure if i posted this before or not.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when
he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the
priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to
come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I
also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your
sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather
do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I
remembered where I left me hat.
*****************************************
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up.
He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows it's a law of nature that
buttered toast always falls butter-down.
He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest.
He tells the priest that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.
He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor."
""Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped
some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was
on top.""
"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that."
"Well," Fr Flannagan says, "it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped
toast never falls butter side up. But it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll report the
matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc."
An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese,
but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome. The final ruling is a negative, however. it reads:
""It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite
outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very cautious before
ruling any happening miraculous, ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this
case we have declared no miracle. For it possibly resulted from Murphy's having
buttered the toast on the wrong side."
Butter both sides and drop it then. The natural law demands it will hover, spinning rapidly, just above the floor.
That I would like to see :laugh2:
Pedro
A young girl is shopping midweek at Myers and runs into Rhonda,a old work friend,after exchanging pleasantries the friend enquires as to why she is not at work anymore.
"I recently got married and don't work anymore,in fact marriage is the best thing i ever did.No more diets,no more having to suck up to his dysfunctional family,no more oral sex,no more having to re-label the wine bottles with 'cooking sherry',there are a couple of issues we have though,my best friend from school is a divorce lawyer and he hates me having her over for dinner every Friday night,he also hates me snoring,particulary when we're having sex but he'll get used to it,come back Rhonda i haven't told you everything".
Most seniors never get enough exercise.
In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
1. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate which one can die ..
4. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
6. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
7. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
8. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
9. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your rear end tomorrow!
There is a tenth one but I can't remember what it is!
The owners of this coffee shop in Reykjavik (Iceland) obviously have both a good attitude and a sense of humour.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/breast.jpg)
Finally someone has cleared this mystery up...
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently
revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:
A - Taxi licence in Adelaide.
B - Convenience store in Melbourne.
C - Service station in Perth.
D - Kebab shop in Brisbane.
E - Take away café in Sydney.
If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra customers in Australia.
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there
Must be "deadly" at Scrabble..
(Wait till you see the last one)!
PRESBYTERIAN :
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
***************************************************
I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now.
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow.
And as I go along life's way, I'm reaping better than I sowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven't got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going's tough
but I've got loving ones all around me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank GOD Almighty for his Blessings, and the Mercies HE's bestowed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin.
But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.
So LORD , please help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed.
I'm drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.
If GOD gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough.
I'll not ask for other blessings, I'm already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, cause my cup has overflowed.
[attachment=3350]
Good one John......
THE WEDDING TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend
and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married. There was only one
little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She
would regularly bend down when she was near
me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to
be deliberate because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to
come over to check the wedding invitations . She was
alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go
up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I
opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and
said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We couldn't ask for a better
man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Well done Basil, Jeff and John! :laugh2:
Pedro
Adam and Eve are playing in the garden when God appears and calls them over.
''I haven't quite finished making you,'' he says, ''there are two parts still to go.'' He pulls out a penis and asks which one of them would like to have it. He also explains it will save whoever has it the problem with having to sit down to pee.
Adam is beside himself.
''Please please please can I have it??''
Eve just shrugs her shoulders so God gives it to Adam who prostrates himself in front of God, repeating, ''Thank you, thank you God ...''
God then turns to Eve and says, ''Well Eve looks like you get the brain.''
That was great.......and true.
It's all in your perspective.
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
MEMORIES OF MY FIRST DRINK WITH MY SON....
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came
flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it - so I drank it.
Then I got him an Heiniken, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Peroni and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Jim Beam
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
:laugh2: Love it Basil, did not see that coming!
This one made me chuckle when I read it in the paper.
Mike Whitney recalls being in the commentary box during an Ashes campaign, as the camera focused on the London Eye, the great new attraction of the city. "And over there,'' Richie declares, ''is the London Wheel.''
Mike Atherton taps Richie politely on the shoulder. ''Rich, it's the London EYE ... not the London WHEEL,'' he says. Richie doesn't miss a beat. Only half-turning he answers: ''Not any more, it's not.''
Apologies to American members who may not have a clue about the people mentioned.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
Love is like pissing yourself – everyone can see but only you can feel the warmth.
A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."
Daddy, what are those two spiders doing," the little girl asked? "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top," she asked? "A Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs," the little girl asked?As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. "Well," she said, "that may be OK in California, but we're not having any of that shit here in Texas."
If you're broadminded and don't mind some bad language this is hilarious. There are multiple you tube clips of pebble having her say. She's had 10 different homes in 20 years and one of the earlier owners apparently taught her some 'norty' words. What I love is the emphasis together with her 'body language'. One of her favourite sayings is 'fxxxxxx veterinarian'.
https://www.google.com.au/#q=pebble+at+it+again
4 FACTS
These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.
A wise person once said:
1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND
4. I haven't verified this on Bing or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Bloody Queenslanders
A genuine joke from Queensland. It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly a Queenslander:
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales),
XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order:
"I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."
Good one Basil. Are you a Queenslander?
I have this sneaky suspicion the Queenslanders might have adapted that one from elsewhere.
I put Coopers top of that beer selection (I have lived in NSW all my life and only visited South Australia once). However, like most men, I will grab whatever is on offer.
PS. Crown Lager is quite good too.
Quote from: 'Goldseeker' pid='82135' dateline='1449053499'Good one Basil. Are you a Queenslander?
Thanks,No,born,bred and living in NSW,far North Coast at the moment but back & forward from Sydney.I spend a bit of time in Qld. thou.,Eldest Brother has Heart problems so i have to drive him to John Flynn(Gold Coast) & Brisbane for checkups & tests.
Qld Pubs/Clubs have sure changed thou., no more blanket XXXX,lots of choices.
These are jokes that are doing the rounds of the Internet,i'm in a loop with family/friends but most are not suitable for this Forum.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part6_06010905_05040309_bigpond.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part3_08050605_08010408_bigpond.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part8_06090202_06080806_bigpond~0.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part1_06030300_05080705_bigpond.jpg)
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 a m. Can you believe that...2:30 a m? Lucky for him I was still up practicing my Bagpipe.
I think he really has been good this year.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Garfield.jpg)
:laugh2: ...... Love it Jeff! ..... smooooooooth editing.
well done Jeff ,
very well presented .
this will keep him good FOREVER
Forever? Ain't gonna happen !
Happy & Safe Xmas All........
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, --- "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
---- "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, ---- "What is it?"
"It's a planet," --- replied God, --- and I've put life on it.
I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" --- inquired Michael, ---- "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
"For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.
Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. ---
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, --- "What's that one?"
"That's Tweed Heads NSW,the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from the Tweed are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, --- "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled, --- "I will create Canberra
Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there."...............
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANY MORE
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police who asked, "Is someone in your house?"
He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."
The police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30, then phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both and the dogs are eating them right now," and hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
"I was watching the City to Surf Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."
:laugh2: You're on a roll today Basil! Eggselent!
:laugh2: yeah a couple of beauties there Basil :)
Gee I don't know how I missed these :blink:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='82383' dateline='1449626648'I think he really has been good this year.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Garfield.jpg)
:laugh2: LOVE IT Jeff, brilliant work mate :good:
Quote from: 'keldaw' pid='82390' dateline='1449628391'well done Jeff ,
very well presented .
this will keep him good FOREVER
:scratch_one-s_head: Thanks Kel but do you really think so mate :angel:
Quote from: 'Goose' pid='82456' dateline='1449716049'Forever? Ain't gonna happen !
:blush2: I think you might be right Goose..but I wanna be good :winkextra:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Santa-is-a-man_resize.jpg)
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to
the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned five
male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split
everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the
pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove
the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they
are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the
morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded
them into the family Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This
continued each morning for more than a week .
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife,
"Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in
the grass." "Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn " .
A guy comes home from work in the middle of the day. His wife says, 'What are you doing here now? Why aren't you working?"
He says "I got fired."
She says 'Fired? Why? What happened?"
He says "I stuck my, uh, thing, in the pickle slicer."
She says "The pickle slicer? Why the ---- would you do that? What happened to the pickle slicer?"
He says "She got fired too."
Well done ,a couple of good ones.
There is a knock on the Pearly gates. St. Peter looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. St. Peter gets to the door and sees the same man. He opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears again. " Hey, are you playing games with me? " St. Peter calls after him, a little frustrated. "No," the man's distant voice replies. " They're trying to resuscitate me."
Q: Why was astrology invented?
A: So that economics could be considered an accurate science.
and another
An elderly man was stopped by the police around two o'clock in the morning and was asked where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, " I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as playing poker and staying out late". The officer then asked. " Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, " That would be my wife".
found anothery
A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in. " Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. " You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything. However , your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on. " You have $9000 insurance compensation coming, and we have the technology to build new penises. They work great, but don't come cheap. They cost $1000 an inch. " The man perks up. " So," the doctor says, " you must decide how many inches you want. Since you have been married for over 30 years, this is something you should discuss with your wife. " The man is enormously excited by the possibilities but agrees to talk to his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. " So, have you spoken with your wife? " " Yes I have, " said the man. " And has she helped you make a decision? " " Yes. " says the man. " What's your decision ? " asks the doctor. " We're getting granite bench tops. "
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw::angel::angel:
and there's more
A chap turns up for work with both ears bandaged. His boss asks: " What happened to you?" Well," he says, " I was ironing and the phone rang and I accidentally answered the phone using the iron. " What about the other ear? " asks the boss. " They rang back."
Boy to mother: " I've got to stop studying." " Why is that?" asked the mother. " I heard on the news" said the boy, " that someone was shot by the mafia because he knew too much."
Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen......Simon Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzsimons :blush::angel:
No, but I heard about Micheal Fitzpatrick and Partick Fitzmichael. :)
Quote from: 'Triggersmob' pid='83650' dateline='1452903695'No, but I heard about Micheal Fitzpatrick and Partick Fitzmichael. :)
:biggrin:
Jewish Sunbathers.
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied, and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Desparately trying to find a topic of common interest, she blurted out, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Psychopath Test
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list.
My logical answer was that her sister was "servicing" her husband.
What was in the question to suggest any link between the meeting at the funeral and the murder of the sister. Read to me as if they were unrelated events.
In which case motive could have been any of a long list.
What was the name of the "famous American psychologist"? "This is not a trick question."
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='83980' dateline='1453862967'What was the name of the "famous American psychologist"? "This is not a trick question."
Probaly 'Fred Flintstone',it just Internet waffle that may be true but more likely BS.
I can see the link thou. once the answer is revealed but it would take a warped mind to go down that road without any hints which is the statement the author is making,i think.
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
In the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, a story appeared in the New York Times: "American archaeologists have found traces of 250-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the British."
One week later the Northern territory news reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Billy Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Billy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
By the way, WiFi is an Australian invention, really, it is (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_O'Sullivan_%28engineer%29).
:laugh2: Love it Jeff!
..........Changed my car horn to gunshot sounds ~ People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers ~ Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today ~ That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators ~ We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "Nap Time" was a punishment.
Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room & remembering what I came in there for.
***************************************************************************
February is a good month - what do you think?
FINGERS CROSSED!
2016 is a leap year when the woman is supposed to propose marriage to the man.
Feb 2016
This coming February in 2016 cannot come in your life time again. Because this year February has:
4 sundays,
4 mondays,
4 tuesdays,
4 wednesdays,
4 thursdays,
4 Fridays and
4 saturdays.....
This happens once every 823 years. .
Maybe I am missing something here,
Quotethis year February has:
4 sundays,
4 mondays,
4 tuesdays,
4 wednesdays,
4 thursdays,
4 Fridays and
4 saturdays.....
True
QuoteThis happens once every 823 years. .
Bullshit, three out of 4 years February (28 days) has exactly four of each weekday. The other (leap) years have the same plus a fifth occurence of one day of the week.
There are only actually 14 different possible calendars in our Gregorian system and a 28 year repeating cycle where each one repeats at least once. This cycle is upset three out of every four centuries because a year number divisible by 100 is not a leap year except the ones that are divisible by 400!
Years with same calendar as 2016
The year 2016 has 366 days and starts on a Friday
Years with same starting weekday and equal number of days to 2016
Year Compared to year 2016 Since last
1904 112 years before
1932 84 years before + 28 years
1960 56 years before + 28 years
1988 28 years before + 28 years
2016 selected year + 28 years
2044 28 years after + 28 years
2072 56 years after + 28 years
2112 96 years after + 40 years [Turn of non leap year century here.]
geez Jeff,lighten up FFS.
QuoteMaybe I am missing something here,
Please explain the humour in the February tale. I do not get it. It makes what seems to be a serious comment that is patently ridiculess (but not in the least funny).
And what is "FFS"?
FFS [ FOR F*** SAKE .] and I don't swear ...
Yes, I worked that out after a while. Not an expression I use.
I am just trying to work out the February joke now. Google didn't help me. Best it came up with was "Can February March? No, but April May." Even Uni would come up with something better.
Jeff,its just Internet waffle & ramblings that get sent to me,i just copy & paste,don't take it too seriously.Some of its clever,some of its funny but mostly its just light hearted rubbish.
As George Washington once said, "Don't believe everything you read on the internet."
Even that is clearly false because it was Abraham Lincoln who said that.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='84152' dateline='1454404959'Best it came up with was "Can February March? No, but April May." Even Uni would come up with something better.
:laugh2: .... You give me too much credit Jeff!
How about April, May & June .... marching? :to_pick_ones_nose_eat:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/amj.jpg)
Well done; you met the challenge.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='84149' dateline='1454382929'And what is "FFS"?
Since Basil said it I guess it's
.... For Fox Sake
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/basil.jpg)
.... Boom Boom
Getting even better. :ok:
Thirty days hath September,
April, June, and no wonder,
all the rest eat peanut butter
except for my Grandmother
who rides a bicycle.
attributed to Spike Milligan but many variants are claimed by others.
A SHUTTLE AIRPLANE WAS ABOUT TO CRASH; THERE WERE 5 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, BUT ONLY 4 PARACHUTES.
THE FIRST PASSENGER, HOLLY MADISON SAID, "I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW AND I AM THE SMARTEST AND PRETTIEST WOMAN AT PLAYBOY, SO AMERICANS DON'T WANT ME TO DIE." SHE TOOK THE FIRST PACK AND JUMPED OUT OF THE PLANE.
THE SECOND PASSENGER, JOHN MCCAIN, SAID, "I'M A SENATOR, AND A DECORATED WAR HERO FROM AN ELITE NAVY UNIT FROM THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA." SO HE GRABBED THE SECOND PACK AND JUMPED.
THE THIRD PASSENGER, DONALD TRUMP SAID, "I AM GOING TO BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, I AM THE SMARTEST MAN IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I WILL MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" .
SO HE GRABBED THE PACK NEXT TO HIM AND JUMPED OUT.
THE FOURTH PASSENGER, BILLY GRAHAM, SAID TO THE FIFTH PASSENGER, A 10-YEAR-OLD SCHOOLGIRL, "I HAVE LIVED A FULL LIFE AND SERVED MY GOD THE BEST I COULD. I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE AND LET YOU HAVE THE LAST PARACHUTE. "
THE LITTLE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OKAY, MR. GRAHAM. THERE'S A PARACHUTE LEFT FOR YOU. THE SMARTEST MAN IN AMERICA TOOK MY SCHOOLBAG ."
Well he didn't fool them but he certainly entertained us. Teller's reactions alone are worth the price of admission.
Piff the Magic dragon (http://www.wimp.com/funniesttrick/)
What's up doc?
Joe Alaskey passed away on Thursday.
Joe Alaskey was the voice of Bugs Bunny, Daffy duck, Porky pig & other characters I grew up with & laughed at.
VALE Joe Alaskey
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/CbipN2ZUsAA7Elb.jpg)
Growing older!
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!
I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!
Old age is coming at a really bad time!
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
QuoteThe biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I resemble those remarks.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='84767' dateline='1456081041'QuoteThe biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
I resemble those remarks.
The scary thing for me is i have this niggle in the back of my mind that i have already posted that joke here.
No, only have already posted it before if you have no memory of it whatsoever.
Of course I will let you know if it pops up again.
A Lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for
clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and
depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife
started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is
this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual,
he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered
and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted
a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight
of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Good one Basil......never expected that.
Wife having a paddle during our recent top-end trip,top that Trout!!
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Women___Croc_.jpg)
..not really,Internet photo doing the rounds.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asks how her grandfather died, her grandmother tearfully replies, ''He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning''.
Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ''Oh no, my dear,'' replies her gran. 'Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Sunday morning church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply moving in with the ding and out with the dong.''
She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continues, ''He'd still be alive today if that wretched Mr Whippy van hadn't passed by''.
:laugh2:
Pedro
:laughingneqw: :laughingneqw::laughingneqw::yahoo:
Now that is a good one.........
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/facebook.jpg)
:biggrin: love it!!
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys." I told my wife that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the Bourbons went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her midnight. She didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
"My wife and I were happy for twenty five years. Then we met.
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw::good:
:laugh2: ..... Basil, you never cease to amuse! Very good.
:good: Some more gems Basil!
Pedro
Thanks,i've been down at Bermagui(NSW far south Coast) the last few days for a family funeral,thats one of the better jokes that came in,this ones has pictures with each one but it would take me all day to upload.
1960 Hits Renamed
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.
They include:
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
?
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba---
Denture Queen
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last, but NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
Daylight saving finishes this weekend -but Queenslanders, don't you worry about that.
So I thought a Joh story might be appropriate (no not the one about not getting up an hour early for anyone -that would be too obvious and everyone has heard it anyway).
Tired of being misreported by the press, Joh invited representatives to a news conference on the beach at Redcliffe, near Brisbane. When they all were assembled he calmly walked out on the water about 100 metres and back, then pleaded with them to ensure the event was reported accurately. In The Courier Mail the next morning the headline read 'Premier of Queensland Unable to Swim'.
At least we get a 49 hour weekend with an extra hour to lie in tomorrow morning.
And it's goodnight from him (http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-35934024).
Vale Ronald Balfour "Ronnie" Corbett, CBE (4 December 1930 – 31 March 2016), a very funny man.
Four Candles (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oaGpaj2nHIo)
You Can Say That Again (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KywvFYMWy-Q)
Ronnie's best jokes (http://www.bbc.com/news/entertainment-arts-35935571)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10012/funny_404.jpg)
:wavemulticolor:
That was a good joke. Think of another one.
Here is a similar one for all the psychics out there. It is after the line (for the person who asked).
The Sunday sermon is ''Forgive Your Enemies''. Towards the end of the service, the preacher asks his congregation, ''How many of you have forgiven your enemies?''
About half hold up their hands. This is not good enough, and he begins to implore them, in the name of Christ, to make a public commitment to forgive their enemies right here and now. One by one – HALLELUJAH! – more hands came up, until finally there is only one small elderly lady who remains with her hands in her lap.
''Mrs Jones?'' asks the preacher. ''Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?''
''I don't have any,'' she replies, smiling sweetly.
''Mrs Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?''
''Ninety-three,'' she replies.
''Oh, Mrs Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live to 93 years and not have an enemy in the world?''
The little sweetheart of a lady totters down the aisle, faces the congregation, and says in a suddenly strong voice:
''I outlived the bitches.''
The following commentary could be politically incorrect. May not be suitable reading for children, shy women or hardcore feminists.
I just came across a unit of measurement that I have never heard of before...BSH. British Standard Handful.
It is an imperial measurement of volume for breast size. Allegedly, originally defined by the volume of Henry VIII's cupped right hand. (Shades of the legend that the champagne coupe was modelled on the breast of Marie Antoinette -not sure if right or left!)
I understand there is no truth to the rumour the term originated in Bristol City. That rhyming slang refers more to shape although volume can be a consideration.
Not to be confused with BSH, British Society for Haematology.
I haven't been able to find any standards station where I can get my hands test and certified so I can become an official tester.
Clown funny money,not everyone is happy with the new Fiver.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cf5uHFwWEAASppk.jpg
After my recent prostate exam, which, I must say, was the most thorough I've ever had, the doctor left and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear. She said ...
''Who was that bloke?''
:laugh2: ...... Dr Hopoate?
I understand Dr. Reynolds has taken over the position :D
Pedro
5 Englismen and 1 Irishman are in a Police Lineup in London after a Woman had her Bag snatched earlier in the Day.
As the Lady is led in the Irishman steps forward and says "thats her".
:laugh2: that's a shocker Basil, love it :good:
Thanks AJ,it was on the John Laws show this morning but has done the rounds of the Internet the last few years.The page of Irish Jokes is on my old Computer,i'll try and find them.
Stress - A Different Slant On Things!
A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. To 20 oz.
She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an
Ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."
"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.
1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.
5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
8 * Never buy a car you can't push.
9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
12 * The 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY
20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!* I THINK !!!!
Be the kind of person that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says~~ "Oh Crap, They're up !"
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/MS_wine.jpg)
Yes please. Red or white; I'm not too fussy. :yahoo:
Drat, my computer does not have a dispensing spout -must be an optional extra!
Johnny Depp and the dogs.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CgYs_56UkAAgcVN.jpg
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
I don't drink for religious reasons.
I drink for other reasons.
Xbox attacked Playstation...
Here comes the ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
Do you know if Stephen Hawking still has his old phone number?
Everytime I call, a machine answers.
I read that most accidents happen within a few miles of the house...
...so I moved
When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home...
I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in
A man is sitting at the bar...
...and he hears the bartender give the last call. He thinks to himself, this would be an appropriate time to stand up and start making his way home.
He goes to stand up and falls flat on his face.
"That's strange. I can't have possibly had that much to drink." He attempts to stand up a second time. Same result.
"I'll just crawl to the front door and get some fresh air. That ought to sober me up."
The man army crawls all the way to front door, reaches for the handle, pulls himself up, and falls flat on his face out onto the sidewalk.
"This cannot be happening. I only live a couple of blocks from the bar. It looks like I'll have until then to sober up from the crawl."
The man then makes the journey home, crawling his confused self all the way to his front door where he tries to stand up and walk inside. He falls once again just inside the doorway.
"Am I really going to have to crawl all the way upstairs into the bedroom?!"
Sure enough, he makes his way up the stairs, into the bedroom, to the foot of the bed. With one last attempt he gets to his feet, and falls into his bed for the evening.
The next morning the man is awoken by his disgruntled wife.
"I see you were out drinking all night."
Defeated, the man responded, "How did you know?"
"The bar called. You forgot your wheelchair."
3 blondes walk into a police station...
...looking for jobs as detectives. They meet with the police chief who says "I'm going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him."
He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye."
He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says "He's only got one ear". The police chief again responds, "No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear."
He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?"
The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster.
In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air.
It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!"
"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer, you must understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change hearts. What would you have me do?"
The atheist thinks for a minute then says, "God, please have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also.
"God replies, "So be it."
The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling towards the ravenous jaws of the monster. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says:
"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided . . ."
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What
would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
Good one.
An old priest lay dying in Woden's, Canberra Hospital. He had served
the people near the nation's capital, Manuka for many years.
He motioned for the nurse to come near.
"Yes father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten before I
die" whispered the priest.
"I will see what I can do" said the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to parliament house and waited for a
response. Soon an answer came back; Both Malcolm Turnbull and Bill
Shorten would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they were driven to the hospital in Malcolm's new BMW, Turnbull
commented to Shorten, "I don't know why this old priest wants to see
us, but it certainly will help our images and may even help our
re-election prospects."
Shorten agreed it was probably a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room the priest took Turnbull's hand
in his right hand and Shorten's hand in his left hand.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Shorten spoke "Father of all people you could have chosen, why
did you chose us to be with you at this time when your end is so
near?"
The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life
and behaviour after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Turnbull.
"Amen" replied Shorten.
The old priest continued, "Jesus Christ our saviour died between two
lying thieving bastards, and I wanted to do the same."
:laugh2:
Pedro
HaHaHa! Very good....and very true as well.
:laughingneqw:
Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't hardly spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."
******************************************************************************
An old guy (Bob) goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent
to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty
female doctor.
The female doctor says,"Im going to check your prostate today, butthis new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,99.
The old guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,"99".
Again, the old guy says, " 99."
The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
Im going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand Im going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, " 99".
The old guy begins, "One...two. three.".........
Back in 70's (before we had computers) sending funnies via fax was all the rage. I actually kept all these funnies and put them into a file. Some are a bit rude to show on here (some are very rude), but here are a few that I thought might give you a laugh.
The first one is my all time favourite.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10113/Moustrap.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10113/French_Fry.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10113/Hard_Night.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10113/Stress.jpg)
I can remember them from when they were doing the rounds :laugh2:
Looks like we have found the originator of these.......now I know who was sending them around......no one else seems to have them.
:yahoo:
What can I Say? It's the collector in me.
Not responsible for circulating them though.
These haven't seen daylight for many years.
Earlier today I swallowed two pieces of string and they came out tied together.I shit you knot.
My new girlfriend from Thailand said that having a small penis is no problem. I really like her but I think I'd still prefer it if she didn't have one.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!
''A Botanist goes into Bunnings. He asks: "Hey, you got any of that inhibitor of C3 H8 NO5 P (glyphosate); C6 H17 N2 O5 P (glyphosate-mono(isopropylammonium)) (62). Shop assistant: "You mean Roundup?" Botanist: "Yeah, that's it. I can never remember that bloody name."
Loved the botanist one. I am a bit like that sometime.
One day, The Lord says to Adam, ''I've got some good news and some bad news.''
''Well,'' Adam replies, ''the good news first.''
The Lord explains, ''I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form.''
Adam, exclaims, ''What could possibly be the bad news after such great tidings?''
The Lord says with sorrow, ''You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.''
That was great JeffH.....I'll have to pass it along.
Great jokes Jeff and Basil.
Going to use them on the Knights webpage they are so good.
:laugh2: great jokes
Here's one for the other old farts.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Keys.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Taliban.jpg)
Recently stolen, :)
A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon !"
:laugh2: boom boom
My thoughts exactly :)
Her's one for uni;
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to comment. :)
I was in in the public toilet
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the next stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.'
The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint...my....house.'
:laugh2: Love it Jeff!
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!
IT'S CALLED THE....... "C-NILE VIRUS."
The version in my processing system concentrates on symptom #5!
Maybe you should make that 1958, not 1955. :)
Now let me guess when you were born.
Ah this is all over my head..I must be too young :P
Two fonts walked into a bar...
The barman said "Get out, we don't want your type in here".
:laugh2: Oh Jeff ..... it's rubbing off .....
Just think if it was an old western bar and it refused to leave then they'd have to call the Serif!
Now, why did I think you might pick up on that one.
And the serif would threaten them with a bullet point if they still refused.
:laugh2: .... We were bound to end up here!
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle :)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'
Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
:laugh2:
You're on the ball today Gnome!!! :laugh2: hilarious
Gnome - some classics in there (loving the Irish one especially)! :laughingneqw:
Pedro
Thanks :)
Mick asked Paddy why he kept an empty milk bottle in the fridge.
Paddy replied " In case I have visitors and they want a black coffee you daft twat"
Paddy is sat at the bar drinking a pint of Guiness. Other end of the bar are two drunk Englishmen, pointing at him, laughing away.
One Englishman puts a twenty on the bar in front of his freind, and says "Bet you this twenty I can walk down the other end of the bar and piss off Paddy down there."
Second Englishman accepts the bet, and first Englishman staggers down the bar, and looks Paddy in the eye...
"Hey Paddy," says he,"you know St. Patrick?"
Paddy looks back at him, and replies, "Aye, I know him."
First Englishman slurs, "He was a pedophile... liked little boys, didn't he."
Paddy looks back at him, sips his Guiness, and says calmly, "Was he now? You learn something new every day."
First Englishman goes back to his friend, and shrugs his shoulders. Second Englishman puts a second twenty down, and says, "Tell you what, double or quits, I bet I can piss Paddy off."
Second Englishman walks down the bar, pokes Paddy, and says, "Hey Paddy, you know St. Patrick?"
Paddy looks up and replies "Aye, I know him."
Second Englishman says, "St. Patrick was an Englishman."
Paddy takes a sip of beer, and replies, "Aye, I know. Your friend just told me."
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly Teddy Bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall. It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But, she doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Just maybe, this could be the future father of my children. She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly and they continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says...
"Pretty good. You can pick any prize from the middle shelf.'
:laughingneqw: Bearly stopped laughing!
Upun my word, uni will have to lift his game -this punning epidemic is spreading.
This one found its way to me today, obviously an April Fool. I got a chuckle.
THE BRITISH PENNY EUROPEAN UNION DIRECTIVE - NO. 456179/16
IN ORDER TO BRING ABOUT FURTHER INTEGRATION WITH THE SINGLE EUROPEAN CURRENCY THE EURO; ALL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND MUST BE MADE AWARE THAT THE PHRASE "SPENDING A PENNY" IS NOT TO BE USED AFTER 30th March 2016 FROM 1st April 2016, THE CORRECT TERM WILL BE "EURONATING".
IT IS HOPED THAT THIS WILL BE A GREAT RELIEF TO EVERYONE.
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, JUST GIVE ME A TINKLE.
This happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the presence of mind of this young woman. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said: "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line cracking-up with laughter, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said: "F*** you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
10. "What the @#$% do you mean,
we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9 . "What the @#$% was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
7. "Any @#$%ing idiot
could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
5. "How the @#$%
did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT
on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Where the @#$% are we?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my arse!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
1. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
Doing well folks! :laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2:
Not sure if this a repeat, but here goes anyway. :)
Many years ago during my married days, just prior to my divorce.....I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky
robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now" Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I Feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess." :)
:laugh2: we can't take you anywhere can we G :)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Cashier: "Do you need a bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."
Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?
*****************************
I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a
few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Cost me a fat lip... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?
>>>
*****************************
I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."
After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?
*****************************
I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said!
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! ... Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you're over seventy; who cares?
onya Basil :)
Where does one dig up these. They are great.
one for mark
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10035/mark.jpg)
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?''Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Two Bananas are resting on the bank of a river.A turd floats by.The turd shouts over. "Come on in the waters great."One banana turns to the other and says. "Do you believe this shit."
A Melbourne couple was watching a Discovery Channel Special about an African Black Bush Tribe. The men in that Tribe all had 24 Inches long penises.When The Black Male Reaches a Certain Age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end to a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 Inches.Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said."How about we try the African String-And-Weight Procedure?"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.A few days later, the wife asked the husband."How is our Little Tribal Experiment coming along?"Husband: "Well, it looks like we're about half way there."Wife: "Wow, you mean It's grown to 12 inches?"Husband: "No, It's turning black".
Very good.....copied to the Knights site......
:laughingneqw:
MayIi suggest you Google Iggy and the Stooges tour rider (https://www.google.com.au/search?q=iggy+and+the+stooges&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&channel=fs&gws_rd=cr,ssl&ei=Djh2V7-tBIzF0gSDy7jwBQ#q=iggy+and+the+stooges+tour+rider).
Here is a (very) short excerpt;
(http://dangerousminds.net/home/dangerou/dangerousminds.net/html/content/uploads/images/made/chrootcontent/uploads/images/iggy_pop_rider_465_346_int.jpg)
Jim, from up country, went to the Sydney Olympics and sees a man carrying a ten foot long fibreglass stick and asks, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No," says the man, "I'm German. But how did you know my name is Walter?
How do you make a Soviet gymnast lose concentration and fall off the beam? Russia.
Why isn't suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.
A gymnast walks into a bar.......
He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
:laugh2: .... Very good Jeff!!
yep :)
What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
His last name.
IDIOT SIGHTING.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
--------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTING.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...this happened in Ipswich, Qld
--------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.
--------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney.....
--------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTING.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.
--------------------------------------------------
IDIOT SIGHTING.
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
:)
Pedro
Yep, they're about. :)
and most probably breeding as well. :)
:scratch_one-s_head: some people :blink:
IDIOT SIGHTING.
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with a not too bright co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in ATO Newcastle NSW AU.
They actually signal both Red (DON'T WALK) and green (WALK) with sound and vibration. Quite smart, unlike some public servants (I thought all the drongos actually worked at Centrelink).
Quote from Department of Transport and Main Roads Queensland;
"Some pedestrian push buttons also have an audio and tactile (touch) component to them. These are the push buttons -called audio tactile push buttons - that emit a beep beep sound. Visually impaired people can use the steady beep beep sound (homing signal) to locate the push buttons. When it is time to cross the road the push buttons produce a series of fast beeps.
The face plate of the audio tactile push buttons also physically pulse in time with the audio sounds produced providing the tactile part of the push button."
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:
"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
And a few for Uni;
I witnessed a jail break and I saw a midget climb the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
My friend was recently crushed by a pile of books. He's only got his shelf to blame.
A pickpocket robbed a midget. How low can you get.
The midget chef was fired because the steaks were too high.
:laugh2: Love 'em Jeff!!
:ok: :laugh2:
Pedro
My god haven't you lot learnt not to encourage him..it's like feeding the animals at the zoo :laugh2:
And your not being very PC for these days Jeff as they're now known as "little people" :winkextra:
If PC jokes were to be banned there would not be many funny ones left. At least I did not use the 'D' word -as in Snow White and the seven little people.
:laugh2: yes your right but I was just stirring believe it or not, not that I do that much :blush2: :mocking:
I love that one with the old biddy in the court room :good:
A mate of mine has two tickets for this year's AFL Grand Final.
Box seats plus accommodation.... but he didn't realise when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church in Toorak Rd. Toorak at 3.00pm. Her name is Louise. She's moody but nice.
:laugh2:
You have to get your priorities right don't you Basil :)
A courier up Gulargambone way has just been sent to deliver a package to a place he's never been to before, on the western side of the town.
He arrives at the address and sees a big sign marked ''Beware of the parrot!'' nailed to a tree. Looking down the garden path, he spies, sure enough, a parrot sitting on its perch.
With a little chuckle to himself, and without a worry in the world, he opens the gate and walks into the garden. He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly it calls out, ''Brutus, attack!''
This pretty well sums it up. What think you RG?
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Mother.jpg)
:laugh2:
CORNY ONE-LINERS
1. Two blondes walk into a building ....... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What ? Because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'
16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'. The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore!
21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Number 21 is quite nice..........!
A touching story on how men think ......
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're really bad luck." :)
New South Wales
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car ..
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the copper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car.
He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I've never before heard – I'll let you go.."
The old gentleman paused then said, "Thirty three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman,
I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the copper.
Queensland
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Queenslandand I need some help.
If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Tasmania
A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Tasmania 'cause everything happens in Tasmania 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Northern Territory
The young man from NT came running into the store and said to his mate, "Johnno, somebody just stole your ute from the parking lot!"
Johnno replied, "Did ya see who it was?"
The young man answered, "No, but I got the rego."
Western Australia
A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,
"Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "about what?"
Victoria
The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.
The copper asked,
"Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied.
"That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"
Mama taught her well!
You've got to love this little girl.
What a woman she'll make.
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
Bluey goes to an outdoor show at the Brisbane Showgrounds and wins a tinnie.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What you gonna do with that. There's no water deep enough to Float a boat within 160 Kms of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his tinnie", Pointing to the paddock behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his Bluey in the middle of a paddock sitting in the Tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand .... He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"
His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"
His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Queensland
A bad name, making everybody think we're stupid.
If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"
***************************************************
A school teacher asked her class to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".
One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed
the dinner dishes so I presume the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good" said the teacher.
Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage. I presume the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent" says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and he headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a shit because he can't read."
****************************************
As I was getting in bed, she said, "you are drunk!"
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
:laugh2: ...... Too good Basil!
(http://www.viralfunfacts.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/2015-10-05-07-59-16.jpg)
Don't you just hate it when that happens :laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='94336' dateline='1470981166'Don't you just hate it when that happens :laugh2:
Pedro
I hope that guy uses a good shampoo afterwards.:angel:
:laugh2: that's a shocker Jeff, but suppose it's better than having your head shoved up your own A$$ :)
A site for sore eyes! http://www.conjunctivitis.com/
Did you know atheism is a non-prophet organisation?
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Control Freak. OK, now you say 'Control Freak who' "
I played triangle in a reggae band but I had to leave -it was just one ting after another.
One night a man died and went to heaven. He met St. Peter at the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted him in. As they walked down a long hall there were clocks everywhere but they all went at different speeds. The man asked St. Peter for an explanation. St. Peter explained that each person on earth had a clock and that each time they sinned the clock ticked a tock. They passed many other clocks along the hall but one person's they never saw. So he asked St. Peter, where is Donald Trump's clock? St. Peter said, Oh, we keep it in the office for a fan.
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store, and the clerks called 911. Paramedics rushed the man to a nearby Catholic hospital, where he had emergency bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of the hospital's nuns. One was seated next to his bed, holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She then began to ask him questions.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
The man replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
The man replied, "No money in the bank
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the nun, now somewhat irritated.
"I only have a spinster sister," replied the man, "and she's a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The man replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Baha :angel:
Gesundheit!
I put this collection together with Uni in mind but anyone is free to enjoy them.
Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I wondered why the tennis ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
A man stole a case of soap from the corner store. The police said he made a clean getaway.
Last year I made my Christmas wreath out of Franklin half dollars. I really like a wreath of Franklin.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. This one for AJ.
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.
Two men broke into a chemist and stole all the Viagra. The police are on the lookout for two hardened criminals.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
The toilets in the police station have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
A good pun is its own reword.
Apple are to make an electric car. It will not have Windows. This one for Fulvio.
I accidently swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Oh I'm punstoppable. Now I must go and try to get a life.
:laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2: not bad Jeff, not bad at all :)
Yay Jeff!!! :laugh2:
I had my 'punny' jokes saved in a word document and, when I had a good number, I cut and pasted them here. But I somehow missed one -a good double meaning one too...
Thank God for nipples. Without them breasts would be pointless.
And here is one I came across at the weekend;
Hillary Clinton decides to send Donald Trump a letter to let him know how she feels about him. Trump opens the letter and it appears to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV 0773H. Trump, not for the first or last time, is completely baffled, so he emails it to Melania Trump and his children. They have no clue either, so he sends it to the FBI. No one can solve it at the FBI, CIA or NASA. They eventually ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within minutes, MI6 cables the reply: ''Tell Mr Trump that he is holding the message upside down.''
Please be careful if you are going to stand on your head to view your monitor upside down!
:scratch_one-s_head:
(http://i65.tinypic.com/jgl1cg.jpg)
It's good that nipples come in all different shapes, sizes and colours, we even have double nipples now :good:
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?""My wife's."''What happened to her?""She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"The Italian man replied, "Get in line."
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."How soon can I go home?
Not sure if this was previously posted, anyway :)
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
:laugh2: there's some shockers there but good :good:
Good thinking. I'll make some doctor appointments next week. (Imagine, saving money by not going to hotels.)
Good one gnome^^^^^
What is the collective noun for prostitutes?
(http://www.denisglass.com/sites/default/files/hookers.jpg)
An anthology of pros!
:laugh2:
Pedro
Prostituties?
Some other suggestions from elsewhere;
•A jam of tarts
•A fanfare of strumpets
•A firm of solicitors
•A whored of prostitutes
•A novel of Trollops
Q. Why did a second chicken cross the road?
A. He was going to see his flat mate.
Come on Jeff we're scrapping the bottom of the barrel now mate :winkextra:
I didn't see you put up a better one to shame me.
Oh we're gonna play that game are we :mocking: This could get really sad and where this thread comes apart at the seams :shock:
Wanna hear a bad joke about paper.
Never mind it tearable.
There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
How many hippies does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends upon how thin you slice them.
:laugh2: I concede, you win, that's bad :)
how do you start a bear race ..
.
.
.
.
.
ready teddy .. go
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw:
:laugh2: oh duggee :)
Last Sunday morning a Kiwi bloke is walking along Wai Kikamoocow beach when he comes upon a curiously shaped lamp. Picking it up he gives it a rub and out comes a genie!
''I am the genie of the lamp,'' says the genie in a heavy old Persian accent, ''and I can grant you one wish.'' Straight away, the Kiwi bloke says, ''I want to live forever''.
''Can't do that,'' says the Genie, ''it's against genie rules. You'll have to choose again.''
The Kiwi thinks for a moment, then says, ''I want to live until the Wallabies next win the Bledisloe Cup''. The Genie glares, raises his right eyebrow and says, ''Smart bastard, eh?''
:laugh2:
Pedro
A not so dumb blonde
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde chickie babe.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
:laugh2: 10/10 Jeff
I'm glad you responded Uni. Can you tell me what form unicorn poop takes?
Is this correct?
(http://cdn.thisiswhyimbroke.com/images/magical-unicorn-poop-640x533.jpg)
Not enough sparkles Jeff - try this one:
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/unicorn-poop-cookies
Pedro
PS: Just in case you need a little variety here's some more
http://totallythebomb.com/make-unicorn-poop
Unicorn farts look to be a winner!
So what the hell do unicorns actually eat then?
Geez, so close, a combination of both Guys ......
Loosely in the pie with diamonds .......
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='96628' dateline='1472787924'I'm glad you responded Uni. Can you tell me what form unicorn poop takes?
Is this correct?
(http://cdn.thisiswhyimbroke.com/images/magical-unicorn-poop-640x533.jpg)
Is there anything the chinese won't fake :angel:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='96631' dateline='1472789246'So what the hell do unicorns actually eat then?
I'm glad you asked Jeff. Here is the answer:
https://justunicorns.wordpress.com/2010/08/08/what-do-unicorns-eat/ :grin:
Pedro
Oh! And here was me thinking smarties (M&Ms for American unicorns), licorice allsorts and sprinkles washed down with a six pack of assorted food dies. [Trying to figure out cause and effect.]
I bet it (the poop that is) smells just like walking into a sweets shop.
I was also thinking maybe some sort of special grass!
No they don't actually eat the "special" grass :beach:
Of course they do. It is baked into cookies -wise choice of music recommended to go with them.
:scratch_one-s_head: gee I wouldn't know what your talking about Jeff :angel:
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Time.jpg)
"Give it to me!" she yelled,
"I'm so bloody wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream at me all she wanted, I was keeping the umbrella :)
Mike, a businessman in the first class cabin decided
to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:
"What's your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Mike: "Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Mike: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price". :)
:laugh2:
Pedro
DATING IN THE 60s.* *Remember those days?*
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a
date with Annabella.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell...
'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.
'Have a seat in the sitting room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Tea?'
'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked
interestedly.
'Oh, probably go to the flicks,then the local Dance and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'
'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least.
'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do!'
'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
'Oh yes,'she said.
'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about
alternative plans for the evening.
A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and
with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted James..
'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.
'The bloody dance is called the . . .. Twist!'
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One turned to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?".
:dodgy: so now your pinchin me jokes that I pinched, not cool man, not cool at all. Post #1035 a couple of pages ago. Your just lucky I like ya or someone 'you' could have got hurt :@ :mocking: :laugh2:
Page 106 :friends:
Love the "Twist" one Basil :laugh2::good:
QuoteAnd before the McDuck jokes start......
implies that the McDuck jokes will start. I don't want to disappoint you Fulvio.
(https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2013-11/enhanced/webdr02/21/18/enhanced-buzz-2842-1385074936-1.jpg)
:laugh2: what a crack up.. or should that be quack up :)
This is how I imagine McDuck spends most of his time :winkextra:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEmjiCoZ6e4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPX5mRSQ3pw
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen."Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!""No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long."Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...""No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman."Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?""It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
I said to my two-year-old son, "What noise does a cat make?"
"Miaow!"
"Good, and do you know what noise a dog makes?"
"Woof woof!"
"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"
"David, if you even think about going out to that f#cking pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"
That's my boy.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/MRI.jpg)
Now that's my kinda joke!!! Top stuff Jeff.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
A political joke going around America.
Hillary is not a female, she is just a big F.
(after she deleted the emale)
A Ride In The Taxi
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was
raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the
boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him
the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what
happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody knows. :)
Just heard about a new movie coming out called Clocks, it's about 2 hours. :)
Was at the zoo the other day, very disappointing, there was only a dog there. It was a shitzu. :)
A boy comes home and says to his parents "Mum, Dad, the teacher asked a question today and I was the only kid in the class that knew the answer!"
And the parents say "That's amazing son! What was the question?"
And the boy says "Who farted?"
This may have done the rounds before, but I thought it was good!!
Two young businessmen were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.
As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up .
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
The old timer retorted,
"You must be doing really well, you've only two left."
I was confused when I heard the word ''service'' used in these ways: telephone service; cable service; internet service; civil service; public service; customer service. This is not what I thought service meant.
Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what those services are doing to us.
QuoteThen today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what those services are doing to us.
That's "Gold" Mate :laugh2::good:
:laughingneqw:
Pedro
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, and wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
The woman replied, "I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded. "Pepper."
Excellent!
A blonde was walking along the riverbank seeing another blonde across the river she calls out how do I get to the other side ? The second blonde replies your on the other side.
:yahoo:
I just came across a rare creature; a witty and amusing limerick that is not dirty!
There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was far faster than light;
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
Two blondes walk into a building you would have thought one of them would have seen it ..........:yahoo:
Sounds familiar. When I fly home (U S) from Australia, I arrive before I left Sydney. So in essence, I'm re-living 15 hours of my life. (Please disregard that I lost 15 hours flying to Sydney)
Subject: Fw: The Confession
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan
THE ACTIONS
Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun, rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:
SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed 'wi-fi' to 'wife.' Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan
I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad I have to take something for it.
The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!
The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary but will go deep into their hearts and they'll remember this day forever."
Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
A Chicken was about to cross the road when a Duck ran up to him and shouted don't do it you will never hear the end of it.....:yahoo:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='99339' dateline='1475354602'The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!
The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary but will go deep into their hearts and they'll remember this day forever."
Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
I think I would pay money to see that :laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='99349' dateline='1475359108'Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='99339' dateline='1475354602'The pope and Donald Trump are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd!
The pope leans towards Trump and says "do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be momentary but will go deep into their hearts and they'll remember this day forever."
Trump replied "I seriously doubt that! Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
I think I would pay money to see that :laugh2:
Pedro
I am So going to pinch that one and post it on the CCF US elections thread :):laugh2:
DONATIONS
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra on the London Circuit.
Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament,
and they're asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies, "Roughly four litres."
Good one Kel.
I would be tempted to donate a can of petrol and a packet of firelighters if the CEOs of the 'big four' banks were also included!
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='99583' dateline='1475830974'Good one Kel.
I would be tempted to donate a can of petrol and a packet of firelighters if the CEOs of the 'big four' banks were also included!
so why do banks who make money,are answerable to a bunch of politicians who lose our money :dodgy::dodgy: not so funny
removed by author .
Poor Kel,people have died overseas mucking around with these Tazer's,apparently can throw the heart out of sync.I thought the States were in the process banning sales to the public in Oz.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2010/10/05/glance-taser-use-australia
very sorry basil , it was just a
joke to me .
,, kel ,,
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='99943' dateline='1476397878'Poor Kel,people have died overseas mucking around with these Tazer's,apparently can throw the heart out of sync.I thought the States were in the process banning sales to the public in Oz.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2010/10/05/glance-taser-use-australia
ANY electric shock has the potential to cause heart problems, and fooling around with electricity is stupid and dangerous.
Banning something wont stop people being Stupid, They will just find something else to be stupid with.
I for one thought that Kel's joke was really funny :)
No worries Kel,i saw it in the other Thread and wasn't quite sure what was going on.That actually happened to a couple of Teenagers up our way,they purchased it off Ebay and one ended up in Hospital.
Quote from: 'trout' pid='99945' dateline='1476400157'Quote from: 'Basil' pid='99943' dateline='1476397878'Poor Kel,people have died overseas mucking around with these Tazer's,apparently can throw the heart out of sync.I thought the States were in the process banning sales to the public in Oz.
http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2010/10/05/glance-taser-use-australia
ANY electric shock has the potential to cause heart problems, and fooling around with electricity is stupid and dangerous.
Banning something wont stop people being Stupid, They will just find something else to be stupid with.
I for one thought that Kel's joke was really funny :)
Scary sh!t in the SBS article. 13% of the police :police_car:use of tasers in NSW was accidental discharge. So 2 or 3 times a week they fouled up their trigger control, hate to be the poor bugger near them when the Police Academy movie type fools are playing around with their toys.
At my worksite there have been 4 people electrocuted this past month and they all needed ECGs to be sure they were OK, I wonder if the people who get tasered get that same consideration?
Only 5 taser related deaths in Australia so far:@
(But the joke itself was funny:))
Maybe the teaching of SAFETY is not being reinforced enough!
Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway."Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.""Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.""Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and crap every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?""I don't wake up until seven.
***************************************************************************
Two friends, a visiting Czech and a Oz. lawyer were on a vacation in the Northern Territory and decided they would go camping for a few days. so sure enough the first night they camped out two crocodiles showed up. They were awakened by the rustling noises outside and got up to see what was out there. The crocs became startled and one of them attacked the Czech and ate him. The Lawyer ran screaming off into the woods and kept running until he came to a police station. He awoke the policeman inside and told him what happened. The Lawyer and the policeman went back to the camp site and found the two crocs still sitting there. The policeman noticed one croc was female and the other was a male. He asked the Lawyer which croc ate his friend. The Lawyer was certain it was the male so the policeman shot the male croc and the female went running off into the river. When they cut open the crocodile they did not find the remains of the Czech inside. What did you learn from this story?Never trust a Lawyer when he says the Czech is in the Male!
HeHeHe
They recon by the time you reach 90 you can't remember what you did in the morning anyway :laugh2::)
Yeah,i'm in a loop that re-sends the Internet junk on but one of the lynchpins is in Hospital so Jokes have dried up to what they use to be. ..............
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin? Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
:laugh2: ..... Top stuff Basil, I haven't heard any of those!
Poor Irish but beware, I'm was born in BELFAST, NTH IRELAND!
Oh, oh, Goldie's "gunning" for you Basil :angel:
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='100031' dateline='1476576660'Oh, oh, Goldie's "gunning" for you Basil :angel:
Pedro
Tell him to take a ticket and get in the Queue..hehe.
My Moslem neighbour invited me to the Open Day at the Lakemba Mosque in Western Sydney for the first time to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
After he came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:
"By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After prayers I stepped outside and bugger me . . . . .
MY CAR WAS GONE!!!!
This is not a joke but it amused me...Grinning Mike Baird cops online abuse as he promotes Graffiti Removal Day (http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/grinning-mike-baird-cops-online-abuse-as-he-promotes-graffiti-removal-day-20161030-gse0r6.html)
Just goes to show what a politician says one day is not what he says the next day.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='100748' dateline='1477991164'Just goes to show what a politician says one day is not what he says the next day.
Wouldn't be a politician otherwise :grin:
Pedro
One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're a woman at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're a woman and see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're a woman and see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're a woman at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
______________________________ ______________________________
*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
______________________________ ______________________________
* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump Promotions.
______________________________ ______________________________
* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America !
Another Ripper Mate :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.
"Look" he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms; they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large).
The word condom is never mentioned".
The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.
The girl panicked. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.
"Yes!" she shouted down the phone. "He's got one hanging there!"
The boss replied, "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 ...he's the window cleaner!"
A civil engineer died and went to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort available, he started designing things and making improvements all over the place.
After a while, the engineer was a pretty popular bloke.
One day God rang and asked Satan, "How is it down there?"
Satan replies, "Excellent!. We have air-conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators. I have no idea what this engineer is going to do next."
God was horrified. "What! You have an engineer? That is a mistake - he should not be down there under any circumstances! You know all engineers go straight to Heaven. Send him up here!"
Satan replied, "You must be joking! I like having an engineer on my staff. I am keeping him."
God thundered, "Send him back up here or I will sue your arse off."
"Funny bugger," Satan laughed, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
:laugh2:
Pedro
Q. If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?
Answer below
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CvLem3tUEAANpCu.jpg)
A. America.
No loss, but at least America survived.
An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic
This is what happened.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Aagh! This is gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He's angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer's office once he thinks of a clever plan...
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh no you don't. That is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so... Here's your $1000 back."
Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
***********************************************************
A hippy gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"
"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippy and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"
"Yeah?", says the hippy.
"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray.
So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood. Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard,
and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."
The hippy decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.
"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."
The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.
'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.
"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippy!"
"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!"
*********************************************************
Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver
the camel the next day.
In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news.
The camel's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.' The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't
raffle a dead camel!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with
that dead camel?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898' The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia.
:laughingneqw: thanks Basil, needed a laugh :)
No worries AJ,they are all doing the rounds of the Internet and not sure if i have posted them previously or not.
.....
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove
A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...
Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says" I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner"...
After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full...
***************************************************************
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course too?"
*************************************************************
Hypochondriacs make me sick!
Do pocket calculators count pockets?
Autopsy is a dying art!
The meek shall inherit the Earth – if that's all right with you!
Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination!
Legalise telepathy – I knew you were going to say that!
Apathy rules – so what!
Try yoga – it's made of real milk!
There's no future in time travel!
Cyclops wore a contact lens!
Was the great escape a cell-out?
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids!
If music be the food of love - I need retuning!
Please make sure your brain is engaged before you put your mouth in gear!
My cat took first prize at the show – he ate the prize canary!
When society turns to graffiti - the writing is on the wall!
If you think life's a joke - tell me the punch line!
Keep death off the roads - drive on the footpath!
Baby sitar wanted for young Indian musician!
Have you seen the invisible man lately?
Save the trees – eat a beaver!
I used to be apathetic – but now I just don't care!
Is there any intelligent life on Earth? – Yes, but I'm only here at weekends!
Repeal the law of gravity!
Drink varnish – it gives a lovely finish!
Is the ambidextrous society right or wrong?
Don't walk on the grass – jump on it!
Tolkien is hobbit-forming!
I'm not perfect but parts of me are perfect!
Carry an umbrella – you know they can't walk!
Hypochondria is the only disease I don't have!
Fresh air smells funny!
Be kind to animals – kiss a shark!
Man has his will but woman has her way!
Milk is full of natural goodness – so is manure! (signed Who Flung Dung).
Nostalgia is a thing of the past!
Wonder Woman is a fake (signed the Bionic Man)!
When I saw my optician he made a right spectacle of himself.
Dracula loves in vein!
Eskimos are God's frozen people!
Is Dogma a puppy mummy?
Smoking is a drag.
Epilepsy is the survival of the fit!
Write to fish – drop them a line!
Tarzan is a swinger!
Are Parisian swimmers insane?
Heroes and small shoes don't admit defeat!
A La Carte – you can have wots on the cart!
Don't ride your bikes fast – they are too tired!
Do jelly babies wear gum boots?
What's the punishment for bigamy? – Two mothers-in-law!
Do not adjust your mind – there is a fault in reality!
Punk's not dead – it just smells funny!
My psychiatrist told me I was cured of indecision – at least that's what I thought he said!
I love mankind – it's the people I can't stand!
Miss Piggy is a ham!
Give ants a break – walk on one leg!
First there was no way – Zen there was!
Sibling rivalry is for kids!
Save water – dilute it!
Lower the age of adolescence – Now!
Predestination was doomed to failure from the start!
I used to be arrogant – but now I'm perfect!
Cheese grates on me!
And the Angel of the Lord came down and said to the shepherds, "Beat it, this is cattle country" – (Signed, Big Mac).
Exits are on the way out!
Steve is a stupid Mooron – I may be stupid but at least I can spell Moreon!
Where there's a will there's a relative!
Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter.
I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam!
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!
Radioactive cats have 18½ lives!
The upper-crust are just lots of crumbs sticking together!
I used to be undecided but now I'm not so sure!
Death is best – that's why they leave it till last!
Start an underground movement – bury yourself!
There's no such thing as a civil engineer!
I've lived on vegetables all my life – that's nothing I've lived on Earth!
Is a Kangaroo a woolly jumper?
Prune juice sets you free!
A pen can be driven but a pencil must be lead!
You can't beat British quality – you can't find it either!
Pirate Radio rules the waves!
Church fairs are bazaar!
Prevent accidents – start doing things on purpose!
Procrastinate now!
Do dinosaurs pass exams with extinction?
Be a missionary – give cannibals a taste of Christianity!
I hate graffiti – come to think of it, I hate all Italian food!
Cinderella married for money (she really put her foot in it)!
Is guillotine a French shopping centre?
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery!
Take an astronaut out to launch!
Sudden prayers make God jumpy!
Is an aspersion a donkey from Persia?
Free the Indianapolis 500!
No matter how short girls' skirts get – they'll always be above two feet!
Our Art teacher was away so often he's known as the artful dodger!
Isaac Newton was a down-to-earth man!
Poverty means watching the World go buy!
Was Mozart an opera tunist?
Down with gravity!
Wake up to insomnia!
My fracture's not what it's cracked up to be!
Become a guillotine and get ahead!
Reincarnation is making a come-back!
If you're feeling run down take the car's number!
Moses found in basket – reed all about it!
Why pick on guitars?
Stairs are on the up and up!
Smoking stunts the growth – (Tom Thumb)!
We are the people our parents warned us against!
Every dog has its day – and those with broken tails their weak ends!
Some people are like blisters – they appear when the work is done!
Dr Jekyll is a changed man (you should meet his wife)!
Achilles was a heel!
Don't complain about the tea – you might be old and weak yourself one day!
A bachelor is an unaltered male!
What's one of the hardest things to do – milk puddings!
Nuclear food sold here – fission chips!
Amnesia rules....er....um....!
Why do postmen get the sack every day?
Don't play cards in the jungle – they're all cheetahs!
Lemmings are on the brink of extinction!
Is fjord a Swedish car?
If you've seen one nuclear war you've seen them all!
You're never alone with a schizophrenic!
Save barbers work – get rid of the lunatic fringe!
Get an everyday job – strike!
When I get old will the calves of my legs be cows?
Stamp out philately – now!
Why doesn't somebody teach humming birds the words?
Murder is a dying profession!
Is clumsiness catching – no, dropping!
Can a match box? – No but a tin can!
Count Dracula drinks bloody marys!
Preserve wildlife – pickle a duck!
Wellington's wife was an old boot!
:laugh2: ..... You're always on form Basil
Here's one I got this morning .....
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
''Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'....
Somebody threw a bottle of omega-3 at Trevor.
It's OK though; he only has super fish oil injuries.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/india_fv.jpg)
Agriculture is apparently considered one of their sleeper industries, in point, is signaled to hopefully fast track the economy to express status. Depending on your station, first class is available as well, but it's tough to push a barrow up a grade. Hope nobody gets off the rails and spirals into a tunnel over it though. :angel::biggrin:
:laugh2: .... On ya Auto, I thought it may drive the train enthusiasts Loco!
Hey Uni, did you miss mine just before the onlline produce?
:laugh2: ..... Nah, I saw it ..... but thought it may have been a red herring? Now where's that lightly buttered kipper than I plan to put down your throat whilst you're sleeping.
That sound like a fishy explanation to me. Just squidding!
(Sorry, big day out in the sun -mostly on a roof so too many rays I cod have done without- and the old brain has bass-ically haddock enough.)
You're a brave man scaling the roof in this heat, lucky you didn't fall off the perch!
It was a scary roof -very high pitch and the colorbond had gone rather "chalky". Green colorbond seems to deteriorate quickly.
Good thing I had my new pair of KT26's on -only second day of them. Still had to be careful to put my feet on the screw heads to get extra grip. Nearly at the point of spraying the soles with the "Belt grip" but that is a pain; can't get off the ladder without removing shoes because you get soles loaded up with rubbish as soon as you step on the ground.
While the C-5 transport aircraft was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the soldiers on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell and crew, take you safely to Afghanistan.'
An old Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right,? Is the Captain a Woman? '
When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right,? Is the Captain a Woman.?'
'Yes!', said the attendant, 'In fact, this Entire Crew is Female.'
'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'
'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
"Ïts the boxoffice".
***********************************************************
Play on Chemists being introduced into Supermarkets.........
In the queue at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Coles supermarket. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Coles supermarket. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Coles supermarket."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Coles supermarket, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9).
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7).
3. Your daughter has a crack habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Coles Supermarket....
*********************************************************
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted.. and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.
"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile..
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished,
"because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started
struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... "You missed the F####ing putt, didn't you?"
History of the Condom
I've always been a student of history but I didn't know this.
In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
*******************************************************
Redneck Pregnancy
A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him, "Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They're all black
:laugh2:
Pedro
A very sad day today.
After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of all that training and money.
A genuinely nice guy and an excellent vet.
Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.
That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.
The elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.
Father Christmas went to visit his reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.
What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that his whisky bottle was empty and there was nothing left to drink in his liquor cabinet -no wonder Rudolph has a red nose. Deciding upon coffee instead he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the jar of coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that mice had chewed off all the bristles.
At that moment there was a knock at the front door.
Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it nice? Where would you like it?"
And that is how the tradition of a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas trees began.
:laugh2: Love them G & Jeff!!!!
I think mine is an oldie.....but a goodie. Resurrected it just because of the season.
Yeah...I loved them both as well...so much that I have posted them on the Knights of the Coin Table website.
Very good!
HeHe
I didn't see that Vet one coming :laugh2:
Two seniors are in their rocking chairs on the porch.
He leans over to her and says "I know what you want, and I'll do it right there for $5."
She doesn't say anything.
He continues, "For $10 we can move inside to the couch."
She still doesn't say anything.
Then, "For $20 we can go to your room."
She reaches down into her pocket and brings up a wrinkled $20 bill.
"Ah," he says, "you want a romantic evening in your room."
"H--l no!', she says, "I want it four times right now."
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
***********************************************************
Devastated.A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Well done Basil on keeping the cackles coming! :good:
Pedro
Thanks Pedro,one of the lynchpins in our Email link is in Hospital but they come thru in dribs & drabs and every so often there are some good ones.
Not sure if i've posted this before so apt.
**************************
Changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much
faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is."I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."
I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.
I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.
I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.
Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.
QuoteWhy do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?
Too true. And the unsolicited calls from the "Tax Office", "Infringement Department" and such all feature a heavy Indian accent with a very short, common Anglo name. :laugh2:
Thanks Basil.
I needed a bit of cheering up after the News events of the last few days :good:
Thanks Jim..
This is more clever than funny.Church Services in 2018
PASTOR: "The Lord be with you!"
CONGREGATION: "And with your spirit"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transfer your contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of St. Matthews becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.
a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out.
b. Thursday's Catechism Study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out.
c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counselling and prayers.
God bless and have a nice day.
Here's one for Fulvio (and everyone else).
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Untitled.jpg)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_part12_4F300C84_5C2A810D_bigpond.jpg)
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The truth was never more prominent.
Medical Terms....
>
............ Redneck Definition
> Artery
>-
> The study of paintings
**********************************
> Bacteria
>-
> Back door to cafeteria
**************************************
> Barium
>-
> What doctors do when patients die
******************************************
> Benign
>-
> What you be, after you be eight
*************************************
> Caesarean Section
>-
> A neighbourhood in Rome
***********************************
> Cat scan
>-
> Searching for Kitty
**************************
> Cauterize
>-
> Made eye contact with her
**************************
> Colic
>-
> A sheep dog
******************************
> Coma
>-
> A punctuation mark
*********************************
> Dilate
>-
> To live long
*****************************
> Enema
>-
> Not a friend
********************************
> Fester
>-
> Quicker than someone else
*****************************
> Fibula
>-
> A small lie
*********************************
> Impotent
>-
> Distinguished, well known
******************************
> Labor Pain
>-
> Getting hurt at work
*******************************
> Medical Staff
>-
> A Doctor's cane
********************************
> Morbid
>-
> A higher offer
*******************************
> Nitrates
>-
> Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
> Normally more money than Days
*************************************
> Node
>-
> I knew it
******************************
> Outpatient
>-
> A person who has fainted
***********************************
> Pelvis
>-
> Second cousin to Elvis
*************************************
> Post Operative
>-
> A letter carrier
****************************
> Recovery Room
>-
> Place to do upholstery
***************************
> Rectum
>-
> Nearly killed him
*************************
> Secretion
>-
> Hiding something
***********************
> Seizure
>-
> Roman Emperor
************************
> Tablet
>-
> A small table
***************************
> Terminal Illness
>-
> Getting sick at the airport
*******************************
> Tumor
>-
> One plus one more
***************************
> Urine
> -
> Opposite of you're out
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/21cid_C07E58E62C274ADFB72228BC0BAA3C6B_MazzersPC.jpg)
Not funny really. That hoary old chestnut keeps bobbing up -every non-leap year February has four of each day of the week.
Not blaming you Basil (no doubt you just sent it on) but someone keeps circulating it.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='105526' dateline='1487482205'Not blaming you Basil (no doubt you just sent it on) but someone keeps circulating it.
Yeah does the rounds,scary thing is i think i posted it here before.
Why we shouldn't lie
.
We were dressed and ready to go out for a dinner and theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local taxi company and requested a cab.
The taxi arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I got into the cab."Sorry I took so long", I said, as we drove away."That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out.
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.
Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me.
But it worked, so I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard.
She'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the taxi was deafening.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/Muslim_bugs_bunny.jpg)
They just keep getting better and better Mate :laugh2::laugh2::laugh2:
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
***************************************************************************
A young guy from Griffith moves to Sydney and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Griffith."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job."You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor."How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That must change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Sydney. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Griffith, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"The kid looks up at his boss and says "$151,237.65."The boss, astonished, says $151,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Haines Hunter. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Nissan Patrol."The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4X4!?"The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing".
That is a definite laugh out loud one. :laughingneqw: I did not see that punch line coming.
:good:
Very prescient gnome in the light of cricket events later in the day!
Pedro
Yep not bad at all team :laugh2:
my fishing trip , but not a joke as such .last Thursday , me and dawn went fishing in our 4.25 mtr boat , we were at our favourite spot , but caught nothing , so we moved up to Tony's gutter where we have caught fish before , but it was low tide and the tide had just started to turn to run back in , so we drifted with the tide for a while then the leg of our 30 h/p motor got stuck in the mud bank so we sat there waiting for the tide to rise the boat from the mud and weed bank , I was looking ahead when I heard a large splash in the water and out of the shallow water came this big grey fin , coming straight towards us , then I saw another fin come out of the water back from the first fin on the same shark , it came straight at our boat . when it got so close just about to hit our boat , I hit the water with my rod , and it turned very quickly and went under the water and swam away , could not go deep because we were in shallow water, the stream of water it leave behind as it goes is quickly is a sight to see , so we keep ted fishing hoping to catch one of them , but a smaller one , they were splashing all around us , there would have to be at least 20 of them within 10 mtrs of our boat ,.another boat came over to us and said what are they mackerel or mullet , I said ,no they are sharks , ok he said a guy at the ramp told him there was a school of bull sharks in the passage so that must be them .and they have been around the shallow waters since last October . we then left the area then went back to our favourite spot , now with more water covering the rocks and all we caught that was one small estuary cod for 6 hours of fishing .
WOW Kel, lucky you decided to wait for the tide and not get out and pull the boat off the bank.
Quote from: 'ausjack' pid='105905' dateline='1488104782'WOW Kel, lucky you decided to wait for the tide and not get out and pull the boat off the bank.
would not have mattered mate , make a big splash in the water and they take off just like any other fish , only trouble would have been I can no longer climb back into my boat in deep water like I used to .
we did not think to take some pic on dawns phone , that would have been good .
You know the old saying Kel.
A bad days fishing is better than a good day at work Mate :)
It's a pity you couldn't hook up on those bull sharks though, They are great fun on light gear :good:
jim ,
I have never caught a bull shark , but have caught and eaten plenty of other small sharks up to 4 feet long years ago when we were travelling in the caravan , we caught them up at Karumba up in the gulf where the Norman river empty's in to the gulf .
Robbie knows the place pretty well .
(https://resources.stuff.co.nz/content/dam/images/1/h/h/f/q/x/image.related.StuffLandscapeSixteenByNine.620x349.1hhfdo.png/1488145039563.jpg)
:laugh2: :good:
Pedro
Fake News.
It's not a small pickle, It's just that it's cold today :laugh2:
I have been in the USA (last year) and they serve monster pickles. I just wonder what would pass as a "small" pickle there?
I won't go any further with that.
Don't Mess With Seniors
A retired older couple returned to the Mercedes dealership where the salesman
has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty drop dead
gorgeous blonde in a tight mini-skirt and a halter top.
The old man appeared to be visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman quite sharply.
"Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000
asking price. I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady!
And if I remember correctly, you had insisted there was no way you could discount
this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass
of water.
"Well, what can I tell you is she had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help,
and, sir, just look at her, how could I resist?!"
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to
the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price"
"See you later, Mom and Dad! Happy New year!"
A woman was at her hairdressers getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would you want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking United," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"United", exclaimed the hairdresser? "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser... "You and a million other people will be trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant."
"Boy, good luck on this trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman again came in to get her hair styled. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of United's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"
He said: "Who was the hairdresser that MESSED up your hair?"
Here's one for trout. Others will enjoy it too.
In a lull between speeches at a dinner celebrating Donald Trump's ascension, Melania Trump leans over to chat with Sarah Palin.
''I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!''
''Wow, that's pretty impressive,'' says Sarah, ''but, you do realise that he just speaks the words? He doesn't really understand what they mean.''
''Oh, I know,'' Melania replies, ''neither does the parrot!''
..good one..talking about Trump and 'trickle down Economics'.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C58Ur4xVUAADPbc.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C586NE4U0AAsOW6.jpg
:good::laugh2:
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar,
You have passed all the tests, except one.
It is a simple test of your English language skills.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'You must make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
'Mister manager, I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works at a call center.
No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6SyDrVUwAAX-bq.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6NzVLhVUAAoyXJ.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6RyQF2UwAIoRWI.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6bsB7pVMAAb7u3.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6Xk2BqU0AAtWQy.jpg
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C6Ir82JUwAAEIbf.jpg
One Day In Dublin
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."
"...I've quit drinking!"
:laugh2:
Love it G!!! :laugh2:
A Pregnant Blonde ..........
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, " I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said...
"That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
:laugh2:
Pedro
Luckily Aldi didn't have a 6 pack......she'd be jumping into next week.
Oh dear, they just keep getting worse ....... poor soul .....
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758 (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758)
I just love their description:
Rare as emu and kangaroo 50 cent piece for sale. Made in Australia in 2001. Only ever seen a few of these in circulation. My guess is they are as rare as emu teeth. Octagonal shape.
Gave it a good polish so it look good in your collection.
Sorry to see this once go. Regretful sale, but selling to make way for some larger currency.
:kez_15:
Pedro
y e ppp
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='106793' dateline='1489712513'Oh dear, they just keep getting worse ....... poor soul .....
http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758 (http://www.ebay.com.au/itm/182487814758)
I just love their description:
Rare as emu and kangaroo 50 cent piece for sale. Made in Australia in 2001. Only ever seen a few of these in circulation. My guess is they are as rare as emu teeth. Octagonal shape.
Gave it a good polish so it look good in your collection.
Sorry to see this once go. Regretful sale, but selling to make way for some larger currency.
:laugh2: yes that belongs in the joke section Uni.
Obviously they don't get many coins in their change and don't realise there's a difference between and octagon, having eight sides and a dodecagon that has twelve but I suppose that's close enough. But at least they gave it a "good polish" :blink: But I'd like to know what they meant by "making way for larger currency"..are they going to be releasing a bigger coin than the 50 cent for circulation :scratch_one-s_head:
GUARANTEED TO OFFEND SOMEBODY!
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
______________________________ __________
Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring ..
So, at least I got home OK.
______________________________ __________
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.k
"Occupation?
"No, just here for a few days."
______________________________ __________
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral,
A voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
______________________________ __________
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
______________________________ __________
After both suffering from depression for a while,
Me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
______________________________ __________
I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,
Not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.
______________________________ __________
"Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
______________________________ __________
Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
______________________________ __________
I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed
A burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked
him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
______________________________ __________
A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
"Your qualifications all look good,
But there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,
Six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
Some classics there, Basil :)
:laugh2: :agreed:
:laugh2::laugh2: love em Basil.
MORE.....MORE !
:yeah_what_she_said:
Pedro
Excellent Basil. There's some beauts in there.
A few oldies (but goodies) and some new to me. Keep it up.
@seedyrom
I am I NO way a prude and I got a giggle out of your jokes But I do think that they are quite inappropriate for this site Mate :ok:
Quote from: 'trout' pid='107164' dateline='1490610653'@seedyrom
I am I NO way a prude and I got a giggle out of your jokes But I do think that they are quite inappropriate for this site Mate :ok:
I agree, a bit rude crude and vulgar, so I deleted it.
It all makes sense now.
Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized all in the same day.
Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lays with another man, he should be stoned."
We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw: too funny Basil
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!
Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says,
"Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?"
:laugh2:
Well done Gnome!
Pedro
:laugh2: Love it G!
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C9-NelNUIAAs57u.jpg
Seeing I'm planning a trip to Brisbane shortly, this appealed to me;
A stranger turns up in Perth, and they say to him, ''Would you like a cup of tea?''
He goes on to Adelaide, where they say ''What church do you belong to?''
In Melbourne they ask him, ''What footy team do you follow?''
In Sydney, he's no sooner turned up than he is asked, ''What school did you attend, and how much is your house worth?''
In Brissie he is asked, ''Would you like a beer, mate?''
Not much good to you Jeff, you're a red wine drinker. :)
Don't be silly. I am a "catholic (https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/catholic)" (no religious overtone intended) drinker really.
That probably comes from the word "catheter", which will
deliver the red wine straight into the vein. :)
:dodgy:
We have just been visited by four Pence.
(http://todayspaper.smedia.com.au/smhdaily/get/SMH-2017-04-25/image.ashx?kind=block&href=SMH%2F2017%2F04%2F25&id=Pc0100200&ext=.jpg&ts=20170424161103)
Vice-president of the United States Mike Pence with wife Karen and daughters Charlotte (left) and Audrey (right), wave as they board an aircraft before departing Sydney on Monday. Mr Pence has been in Australia as part of the Trump administration's first visit to the Asia-Pacific region. Photo: AAP
May I suggest a new slogan for the Trump administration.....Make America groat (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Groat_(coin)) again.
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::laughingneqw:
Is this how The Donald sees himself? It is according to cartoonist Ortega in the Spanish newspaper El Mundo.
That's really scary because it might be true!
I might start referring to him now as The Hump. (Hunk+Trump)
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/The_hump.jpg)
More here...Donald Trump's 100 days in office portrayed in cartoons (http://www.snd.org/2017/04/donald-trumps-100-days-in-office-portrayed-in-cartoons/)
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='108120' dateline='1493453706'I might start referring to him now as The Hump. (Hunk+Trump)
So you think he is a bit of a hunk?
Of course not -he does.
The phone rang. It was 2DayFM.
''Congratulations,'' the voice burbled. ''You are live on air, and if you can answer this maths question, you will win our prize!''
''Maths question?'' I said excitedly. ''I did 4 Unit maths for the HSC and also studied it at university, for part of my degree! Give me the question!''
''Great! What is 100 divided by four? If you get it right, you get two tickets to the upcoming Justin Bieber concert, and get to meet him backstage!''
''Oh,'' said I. ''Is it 13?''
:laugh2:
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='108149' dateline='1493545569'The phone rang. It was 2DayFM.
''Congratulations,'' the voice burbled. ''You are live on air, and if you can answer this maths question, you will win our prize!''
''Maths question?'' I said excitedly. ''I did 4 Unit maths for the HSC and also studied it at university, for part of my degree! Give me the question!''
''Great! What is 100 divided by four? If you get it right, you get two tickets to the upcoming Justin Bieber concert, and get to meet him backstage!''
''Oh,'' said I. ''Is it 13?''
I think I would do the same, or ask them if that's the booby prize.
Last Sunday I was watching the early 5:00pm Prime News and laughed out loud at Tim Lester. He'd done a changeover for the 6:00pm news for that item so I couldn't show Mrs Uni. Had a quick look on youtube that night and couldn't see anything. Anyhow did a google tonight and found where Tim himself had put the video from 5:00pm on facebook.
I found it quite funny.
https://www.facebook.com/TimLester7News/videos/1657812904526932/ (https://www.facebook.com/TimLester7News/videos/1657812904526932/)
VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND
Not sure if i posted this before or not but its doing the rounds again.....
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John !" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John 's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
http://zanettisview.com/rest/images/4373/w950.png
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C_BVJDpVwAI7Awx.jpg
A young bloke goes to a costume party wearing only his jocks and a girl on his back.
What did you come as he was asked.
I'm a turtle he replied.
Who's that on your back.
"Oh that's just............. Michelle"
Why don't salmon swim past Townsville. ?
Because they don't want to end up in Cairns. :)
On ya G! :laugh2: .... I love a good Dad joke .... off to tell the kids!
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said,
"Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking
is especially beneficial strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery
that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a
soft surfaces, like a grass path."
"Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his
hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?" :)
This strip in the paper does not usually travel well from its US centric viewpoint. However this one tickled me.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Hindsight_man.jpg)
He is right up there with Apostrophe man in my affections.
(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDOAcPJiipWJpaDZB1eDqXdxreKeSrcdYhKGHFaafHSqm7TkKk2A)
I have several hindsight tools in my kit but, without the time machine accessory, they are useless.
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/Kale.jpg)
:laugh2: :ok:
You got it Jeff!
Pedro
I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you but, if you upset her even more, you get the silent treatment.
Hello! I am the only one who thinks it's WORTH the extra effort?
******************************************************************
As my wife and I sat across from the marriage counselor, she asked me to describe what my wife was like using only one word.
"I'd say she's like an oxymoron," I said.
"Now that's very interesting," said the counselor, "Why exactly do you say that?"
"Because she's built like an ox and she's a bloody moron."
*******************************************************************
What do fat women and scooters have in common?
They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your mates finding out...
************************************************************************
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers ... cautiously: "What part did you get?
********************************************************************
I was recently asked how I view lesbian relationships...
Apparently "in HD" was an inappropriate answer to give.
********************************************************************
Years ago during WWII, Colonel Reichman was having sex with a local French woman. When they were done, and knowing how virile he was, he said to her proudly: "In 9 month's time you vill have a baby. You may name it after me if you vish."
To which the woman answers: "In 9 day's time you vill come out vit ze rash, you may call it f*cking measles if you vish!"
*******************************************************************
When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
Sexist morons!. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing is it?
******************************************************************
I went to the solicitor to change my will today but it turns out it's illegal to leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church.
*************************************************************
I've been married for over 30 years now and the other night the wife asked quite innocently "How would you describe me"?
I looked at her for a while and then said,
"Your A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K"
She then asked "What do you mean"
and I said,
"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot"
She smiled happily and said, "Oh darling, Thats so loverly..... What about I, J, K?"
So I said, "I'm just kidding"
The swelling on my eye is going down and the Doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels.
***********************************************************************
(http://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/b88addbdaf36dc8b90f2e5ee85be0b8e.jpg)
These(and the above) are from a Forum i haven't visited for a while,someone has been busy posting.
*********
Dave, a hunter, went on a camping trip with his wife, kids, and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the forest, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone.
Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. Dave sighed, picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large grizzly bear stood facing her.
The wife looked piercingly at Dave and cried, "Well? What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Dave. "That stupid bear got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
*****************************************************************
A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local Woollies and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy........... "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
**********************************************
Breaking news: the man who invented the knock-knock joke was recently awarded the Nobel prize.
*************************************************************
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a theatre.
Before the show has even starts, an usher walks by and notices the man. "Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?" The man groans, but remains sprawled.
The Usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir! If you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the Usher. So he marches off to get the manager.
In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. At this point the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and after making a reassuring gesture to the manager, he approaches the man.
"Alright buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam" the man moans.
"And where ya from Sam?"
With another groan, Sam replies, "The balcony".
*********************************************************
I rung up work this morning..
"My wife died last night." I explained. "I'm going to need some time off."
"Oh my goodness, that's awful." replied the secretary. "We understand though, so take as much time off as you need."
"Thanks." I said. "I'll be about eighteen years, IF I behave myself."
***************************************************************
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered spine are doctors today, the rest of us are collecting Coins & reading jokes on the web.
**********************************************************************
Chantelle goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Is your boyfriend a Harley rider by any chance?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually he is, yes"
"Aaaaah, then that's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
**********************************************************************
Two young nuns in a convent were ordered to paint their room by the mother superior, but she insisted they get no paint on their clothes.
So, they decide to take off their clothes, fold it up, and lock the door. They start painting, but soon enough, they hear a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" the one nun says. "Blind man!" they hear from outside the door.
The nuns look at each other, and the one says "Oh well, he is blind, it's not like he'll see anything. What would be the harm in letting him in?"
So they open the door and let him in.
The man walks in and says "Hey! Nice tits. At which window do you want me to hang these?"
*******************************************************************
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to
dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might
work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked,
rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied. The
old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then
leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Is that one word or two?"
**********************************************************
After trying really really hard, and after a lot of convincing, I finally got my wife to do that thing with her mouth that men love and crave so very much...
Close it.
*****************************************************************
:laugh2:
Pedro
I have often wondered where on earth do people dig up these jokes. I have been digging for years in the garden and only dug up weeds.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whisper. " Hello ? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
" Yes ," whispered the small
voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ."
"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy
", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"
A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.
"What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."
***************************************************************
ust before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, is it?
_________________________________
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
_______________________________
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs .
__________________________________________________ ________
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
_______________________________
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
_______________________________
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Coles. "Coles?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Coles?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
__________________________________________________ __________
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
_______________________________
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_______________________________
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
______________________________
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
______________________________
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
________________________________
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference
**********************************************************
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she
was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was! not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as
far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped
away and went home and put the costume away and She was sitting up reading
when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not
there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room
and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad,
apparently he had the time of his life."
***********************************************************
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
Great as always Basil :ok:
(the sagging/wrinkles one sounds like a truism to live by :laugh2:)
Pedro
Thanks Pedro,i'm too lazy to filter so just copy/paste so you have to put up with the bad ones to find the occasional gem..They're from a forum i haven't visited for a while so i'll probably go for plagiarism somewhere along the line,someone has been busy because there are dozens i haven't read before.
Yep some classics alright, plagiarism is fine so long as you don't repeat it. :)
One day, I spy a wonderful old woman sitting on her front step, so I walk up to her and say, ''Excuse me, ma'am, I can't help noticing how happy you look. What is your secret for such a long, happy life?''
''I smoke 10 stogies a day,'' she says. ''Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life, I've eaten only junk food, washed down by three Cokes a day, and I put away at least a bottle of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends, I pop pills and never do any exercise at all.'
Completely astonished, I ask, ''How old are you?''
''Twenty-four,'' she replies.
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge
Around
The nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to
Maximum
Speed on the long corridors, shouting "Vroom, Vroom!" and making
Believe she
Was once again driving her car on the freeway.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
Residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined into help
Her live
Her fantasy. One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door
Opened
And Kooky Clarence stepped out
With his arm outstretched. "STOP! Police!" he shouted in a firm
Voice. "Have
You got a
License for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper
And
Held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the
Corner
Near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of
Her and
Shouted,
"STOP! Police! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it
Up to
Him. Harold nodded, and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
Stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable
Erection.
"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again!"
*******************************************************************
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment." and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
******************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for
the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £500 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
**********************************************************
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a Nursing Home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to Put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility they came to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"
"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honour'!"
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old! He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"
"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.
"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The Fu*#ing Arab!"
********************************************************************
WORLD WAR III IS COMING
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you,
no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".
**************************************************
DroversTwo Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar.
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?"
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."
**************************************************************
From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it, mate!' said the man, 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
*******************************************************************
One for Trout...
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End. On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 fellows in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.
The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago."
*********************************************************************
So, these two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex in someone's front lawn.
"Look", he shouts, "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?" The passenger, being a man of the world, replies, "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?" The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says, "You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position." The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks, "Well. How did it go?" To which the driver replies, "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn."
************************************************************************
A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,"How bad is it, Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin."
The doctor said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks." Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, "You'll be the first; no one has ever touched these before."
The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, "Look at this — it's still in the crate!"
***************************************************************************
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a
hooker
standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he
approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.
'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five
pounds!'
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany Charles on his jog.
As
the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles
realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd
really
been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good
explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
became
even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.
He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
pounds,
you tight bastard!!!!
***************************************************************
A man walks into a chemist shop and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yup."
"Where did he go?"
"Your house."
****************************************************************
:laugh2: Some more crackers in there Basil!!
Pedro
A few more......
An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.
***********************************************************
A business man from New York decided to quit his job and move to a Farm he had inherited in Kentucky.
One day while out riding his horse, he came across
another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor
and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to
warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city
slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he
responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can
handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and
asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The
man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"
****************************************************************
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"BUGGER!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary..."
***************************************************************
AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE
IN GENERAL
1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your
Ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT
1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
not to bruise the wine.
2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN Ute keys.
2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.
DATING
1.. Always offer to bait your date's fishing hook - especially on the first date.
2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends.
2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded
and the roo is in your rifle sight.
2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
her to bring back beer too.
**************************************************************
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
"I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
she fakes it with Ken."
**************************************************************
With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
we made her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",
She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then
asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
*******************************************************
Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
******************************************************************
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?"
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
********************************************************************
ABC MEDIA RELEASE.
1st December 2007
In response to a number of complaints
that there are not enough Indigenous, middle eastern,
and Asian peoples appearing on TV,
ABC Television have decided that in future
'Crimestoppers' will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.
*********************************************************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
****************************************************
Tinder Definitions..............
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay
And finally.....
A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside
********************************************************************
Womens liberation conference.
The first speaker; a lady from England , stood and said "During last
year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.
Well,
after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that
I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but
on
the
third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The
crowd
cheered).
The second speaker from Russia , stood up and said, "After last year's
conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no
longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first
day, I
saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day,
I
saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The
crowd
again cheered).
The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass
year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo
Jack,
dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his
undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd
went
wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She
continued.
"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I
nevah see
nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."
*********************************************************************
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How do you piss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di*k.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut,and
still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
*******************************************************
Headlines From The Year: 2029
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
North Korea & Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 50 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
*********************************************************
A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine".
*****************************************************
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, when the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "F*ck off," the rottweiler ate him!"
***************************************************************
:icon_cry: Laughing too hard again :laugh2:
Pedro
Thanks Pedro,there are dozens of pages of them,most are stupid but there are some gems,i'll slowly work my way thru them over the coming weeks.
Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre. Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few minutes later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.
"What the f*ck happened"? asks Murphy.
"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! So I took the bike.''
"Good on ya" says Murphy, ''I'm sure the f*ckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"
***************************************************************************
his young lady really liked bees, so much she decided to get a tattoo of one on her bum cheek.
off she went to the the tattooist and asked him to tattoo a bee on her left bum cheek.
the tattooist is busy giving the lady the tattoo and she sez to him, " i like bees so much i think you should tattoo another bee on the right cheek too please".
so he does the second tattoo as well. she hurrys home to proudly show her boyfriend. when she gets home she says to him i have to show you something.
she drops her pants and bends over to give him the full view of the tatts.
she then asks him, "what do you think of that?"
he replies, "just one question, who the f*ck is bob?"
****************************************************************
he FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill Her!!!'
'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women,DONT MESS WITH THEM!!
**************************************************************
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited a primary school and went into one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the Prime Minister whether he would like to lead the discussion about the word 'tragedy'.
So our illustrious leader from Queensland asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy''
'No,' said Kevin from Queensland, 'that would be an accident'.
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children was driven over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explained the Prime Minister, 'that's what we would call a great loss.'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If an aeroplane carrying you and Ms Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy'.
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin from Queensland. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Well,' says the boy, ' it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f -------- accident either'.
***********************************************************************
During Spring Break, a doctor at a college campus is giving free physicals for one week only.
On the first day a girl comes into his office, and the doctor asks her to remove her shirt.
The girl proceeds and the doctor immediately notices a large A imprint in the middle of her chest.
The doctor asks, "How did you get that A on your chest?"
The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the Univeristy of Alabama, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off.
On the second day he sees another girl and when she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large I imprint on her chest.
The doctor asks, "How did you get that I on your chest?"
The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
The doctor then begins to wonder if all college students keep their lettermans jacket on during intercourse, but just shrugs it off.
On the third day another girl comes in and she removes her shirt.
Sure enough, there is a large W imprint, but on the womens stomach.
The doctor, thinking he's quick on his feet, blurts out, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin!"
The girl pauses a moment and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to the University of Minnesota..."
***********************************************************************
I am in big trouble with my wife. I forgot to open the car door for her.
I just panicked and swam straight to the surface.
*********************************************************************
A Kiwi was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for which he had tickets. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
'Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey' said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
'No way doc' replied Wiremu 'I'm gitting a sicond opinion !'
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia, and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: 'Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey'
'What's the cure thin doc ?' asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
'Wull, Wiremu', said the Kiwi doctor 'Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.'
'Phew, thunk god for thut!' said Wiremu, 'those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!'
************************************************************************
Today an Aboriginal was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Police say it's the worst case of suicide they have ever seen.
--
A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.
A recent study conducted by Wits University found that the average South African walks about 1200 kilometres a year. Another study by the South African Medical Association found that South Africans drink, on average, 100 litres of alcohol a year. This means, on average, South Africans get about 12 kilometres to the litre.
--
President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!" Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in the President's ear, "Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"
***********************************************************************
TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
******************************************************************
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.
After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.
The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.
"The R! They left out the R!"
"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.
After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"
***********************************************************************
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and
there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to
realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the
door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she
says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick
the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house
to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get
lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the
right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he
shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
*******************************************************************
It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.
***********************************************************
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand
and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with
them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'
************************************************************
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she
explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months
later the stork usually brings them a little baby, from its nest high up
in the trees.
Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the
teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, Miss? I think you're getting
your birds mixed up, 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she
said it was from a shag on the beach!!!
****************************************************************
Hillary Clinton phones the White House shortly after midnight. ''I need to talk to President Trump, it's an emergency!'' After some cajoling, the President's assistant agrees to wake him up.
''So what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?'' grumbles Trump.
''A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,'' insists Ms Clinton.
''Oh. Is that all? Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the mortuary,'' replies Trump.
Love em Guys! :good:
A blonde walks into a library.
She walks up to the counter, slams her book down and screams at the librarian....
"This is the worst book I have ever read. It has no plot and to many characters".
The librarian looks up and calmly replies,
"So you're the one who took our phone book. "
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles
apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they
got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better
than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship,
Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting
for their salad, Ed said,
"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a
little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life
changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I
play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat,
sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd
better say so now!"
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're
being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the
last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said: "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight
when you hit the ball."
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks,
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
******************************************************
On a recent trip to the US and Canada, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nations in Kitimat, B.C. due to his experiences in handling the Australian Indigenous situation.
He spoke for almost an hour on his ideas for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living.
At the conclusion of his speech, the tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Rudd then departed with his entourage, waving to the crowd as he left.
A news reporter later asked the chiefs how they came to select the new name given to Rudd.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit, it can no longer fly.
*******************************************************************
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
************************************************************
Default kaBOOM!!
Q. What do Pyongyang and Hiroshima have in common?
A. Nothing, yet.
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Q. What do you call a Muslim who owns 6 goats?
A. A pimp
****************************************************
"Late again!!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
"You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to my Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt!
To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop."
"As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy.
Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!
MissCrabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!'
***********************************************************
40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over the quota on Abo's. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy,
and I will let just the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the f*&^%$g gates'.
**********************************************************
Q. What's the worlds best pick-up line?
A. 'Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?'
**********************************************
YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN...
You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your junior prom offered day care.
You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
When you take the dog for a walk at night, you both use the same tree.
****************************************************************
Ten Signs that you might be in the Taliban...
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
************************************************************************
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman..
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
.
"What the shit would they want with a plasterer??!"
*******************************************************
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession
to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods..'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and
starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole.'
****************************************************************
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another
Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do
you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
"He's okay boys. He's one of us."
****************************************************
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not
going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so
you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair,
whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the
gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant
and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat
revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks,
sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then
rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display
like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can
you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there.
*************************************************************
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?
Well... you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus. The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
You must pay first... Those are the rules, says the bartender. So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do':
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex... You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender..'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'
*******************************************************************
A little girls prayer.......
Dear God
This year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer .
Amen
*****************************************************************
Hypnotist Who Spoke Without Thinking -
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came
to see the show.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I
intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. 'I wan t you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
?Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch?...The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off
its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch. Suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into
a hundred pieces.
'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
:laugh2: Good stuff Basil :good:
Pedro
Excellant....:taunt:
:laughingneqw::laughingneqw::D
:laugh2: Excellent Basil, I needed a laugh!
Thanks Fellas,there is another 2 or 3 years of them so slowly working my way thru the pages.The one about the Lion Tamer has the punch line cut off,i'll try and find it and edit.
News of the day ......
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/queen-elizabeth-ii-sinks-four-cocktails-a-day-new-facts-reveal/news-story/27ba5598cda2314d1be389610daaafab (http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/celebrity-life/royals/queen-elizabeth-ii-sinks-four-cocktails-a-day-new-facts-reveal/news-story/27ba5598cda2314d1be389610daaafab)
Theme music ..... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x8D4T--0v4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2x8D4T--0v4)
We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lizzie in pink in pink in pink
The saviour of English heraldry
For she digested, a mixture of compound
Most efficacious by the case
Prince Charlie had sticky out ears
And it made him awful shy
And so she gave him medicinal compound
And now he's learning how to fly
Sister Margie was notably bony
She would never eat her meals
And so she gave her medicinal compound
Now they move her round on wheels
We'll drink a drink a drink
To Lizzie in pink in pink in pink
The saviour of English heraldry
For she digested, a mixture of compound
Most efficacious by the case
Old Philly thought he was Julius Caesar
And so they put him in a home
Where she gave him medicinal compound
And now he's emperor of Rome
George the sixth he, had a terrible st st st st stammer
He could hardly sssay a word
And so she gave him medicinal compound
Now's he's not seen, and never heard
..... chorus
(slow day today)
The budget airline plane leaves JFK airport under the control of a Jewish Captain.His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
"I don't like Chinese..."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "Why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why."
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese. Doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence ...
"I no rike Jews", the co-pilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic," says the co-pilot.
"What? That's insane. Jews didn't sink the Titanic," exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , no mattah ... all frucking same."
Ahmed came to Australia from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shat in the bucket, pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick."
*************************************************************
The cops raided a brothel in Kings Cross. In one of the booths they found an Asian bloke bonking like crazy. "What's your name?"
"My name is Ting"
In the next room they found another Asian bloke sitting quietly in a shabby armchair. "And what's your name?"
"My name is Ting"
"Oh yeah", said the sergeant suspiciously. "How come we've just arrested Ting in the room next door?"
"He is Ru Ting. I am Wah Ting".
***************************************************************
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her...what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 16 in 11 minutes.'
******************************************************************
In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries
firm (Brut), people from Detroit and Chicago have proved to be the most
likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, 86% of Detroit's and Chicago's inner
city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.
********************************************************
TRAIN TICKET
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football
game..
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch
as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their
respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet
together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door
and says, 'Ticket, please.'
The door ope ns just a crack, and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever
idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same
thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for
the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the
three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' asks one
perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet
just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women
leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which
the men are hiding. She knocks on their door and says,
'Ticket please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are
smarter than women.
***************************************************************
ILLBILLY DIVORCE
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'
The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.
The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'
The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'
********************************************************************
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, "you ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "yeah, all the time." The other says, "why is that?"
The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray they carry."
***********************************************************************
ONE LINERS
A boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? And the father replied, I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
A boy asked his father, Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."
A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife. "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The wife excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather? " He says, "Pack them all, you're leaving!"
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go mad looking for the jewels."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
As you grow older, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish ...
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
Cosmetics: A woman's means for keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Do you know what they call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? -- A widow.
Do you know why women fake orgasm? Because men fake foreplay.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After meeting you, I've changed my mind.
Just then there was a knock on the door. I knew it was the wife's mother because the mice were throwing themselves on the traps.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the hell was I thinking about?
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's really finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
Marriage is grand - but divorce is about 10 grand.
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Mixed feelings is when you see your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have a wife and a girlfriend.
Research has shown that today's most common form of marriage proposal is: "You're WHAT!?"..
Some people think life begins at conception, while others think life begins at birth. But some believe that life begins when the kid moves out and the dog he left behind dies.
Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answer machine says it's in the microwave.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The wife said, "How would you like to speak to Mummy?" - I said, "Through a spiritualist".'
There isn't a word for marriage - it's a sentence.
We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.
What's the difference between a wife and a condom? Nothing, they both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough on your dick.
What is the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks!
When a man opens the door of the car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When a newly married man looks happy everyone knows why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - everyone wonders why.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
Wife, proudly to her husband, "You know dear, I can still get into the same skirts I had before we got married." Husband, tersely, "I wish I still could!"
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep.
How do you stop a woman from giving you a blow job? Marry her.
How do you make your wife scream when you're having sex? Phone her ....
*******************************************************************
Little Kathy came home from school yesterday & told her mummy she saw little Johnny's penis today. OMG the mother said, that's appalling. Little Kathy said it reminded her of a peanut.
Her mother said ..what was it small?
No Kathy replied
It was salty!
********************************************************************
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?
"No," said the little boy...... "It's a puppy!"
**********************************************************
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion,
so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama
queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was
boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited
about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I
needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't
keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things
and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her
feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was
so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I
owned.
I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
*****************************************************************
Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling'.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked
'What you sell?'
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said,
'You doing velly well, only two left'.
**************************************************************
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind
-- that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
***************************************************************************
Default
LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION
Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Addendum......
The idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
******************************************************
FOR SALE - GREAT PRICE ALMOST A GIVEAWAY!!!!!
AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below
DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market, used to hold all the Australian sporting trophies
Features
. Fine timber details
. 4 leadlight options
. 4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
. Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
. Halogen down lights
. Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom
To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:
. Rugby League World Cup
. Rugby Union World Cup
. International Rules Trophy
. Tri Nations Trophy
. Super-12 Trophy
. Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
. Davis Cup
. Hockey World Championship Trophy
. Various Cricket Trophy's
. The Ashes
plus the
. Bledisloe Cup.
. 2008-2009 SA / Aust Cricket Tests
. 2009 SA/Australia One Day Series
All these trophies are now overseas and the Cabinet is excess to requirements.
To make an offer call R. Stuart, R. Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"
They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT
*************************************************************
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
Says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?
******************************************************
Advantages of living after 50 !
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh......it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
20.And everything is needed to be in Big Print for your convenience.
and.......................................................
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
************************************************************************
A laugh or three to start the day! Thanks Basil.
Pedro
Thanks Pedro,i put a space between all the 'óne liners' to make them easier to read but somewhere between the copy and paste 'Word' removed them.I'll fix up it up this afternoon.
Nurses Aren't Supposed To Laugh.......
'Okay then,' said Tim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest
'man-thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger
than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.
'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse
and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Tim replied.
She ran out of the room.
******************************************************************
Why Men don't write advice columns...
Dear Harold the Helper.
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past
six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
-------------------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Harold the Helper....
*********************************************************************
Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Horribly, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.
"Rectum," she corrected.
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"
*******************************************************************
I don't remember, what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14.
15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!
****************************************************************
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
**********************************************************************
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having the label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
So, now you know...
*********************************************************************
......a man, in a panic, rings the doctor and says, "doctor I don't know what to do, my son has swallow a condom"...
he rings the doctor back 5 minutes later and says "Doc, its ok I found another one"
**************************************************************************
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
************************************************************************
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take
only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take
them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
**************************************************************************
Julia Gillard is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving".
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer", says Julia.
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
"My god, what happened to you?" asks Julia. The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me".
"What on earth did you say?" asks Julia. "I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, "I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".
******************************************************************************
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street. They pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying flowers.
The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"
*********************************************************************
fter 20 rears of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He then continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing she asked in a loving voice "that was wonderful, why did you stop?"
He said "I found the remote"
****************************************************************************
There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game.
But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now."
Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!" said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!"
"It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..."
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball." The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
*******************************************************************
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling.
What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
**********************************************************************
Default
Q. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A. They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign ambassador.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Q. How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A. B-52...F-16...B-2...F-117...B-1.
Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
A: Duck.
Q: What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.
Q. Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
A. He elected to receive.
****************************************************************
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in Newcastle:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tyre shop in Geelong:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't,you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
****************************************************************
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast - and above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, do it. Don't worry about the expense. So, the reporter calls the local FBO & orders a plane.
He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him: See that fire raging to the west?
I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can. Incredulous, the pilot says: You want me to fly over that fire? Sure, the reporter says, I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire! The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says: You're not the flight instructor?
******************************************************************************
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride called her mother from the hospital.
"Mother", she sobbed, "My husband has only one foot."
The mother, trying to console her daughter said, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
*************************************************************************
A guy is driving around the back roads of Mena Creek and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog for Sale'
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says,
'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar, he never did any of that shit.
****************************************************************
Hot & Cold Sex
After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do,' said the old man. ' After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh that crazy old fart,' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in June and the second time is in December.'
*******************************************************************
A letter to the editor in the SMH today...
"Turnbull's lame policy initiative on electricity is all bluster and very unlikely to do much for consumers. It's mostly tinkering around the edges. But that's his way. Avoid upsetting his business mates at all cost. I wonder what he plans to do next though to reduce energy bills: Maybe group prayer sessions? Paint electricity poles in happy bright colours? What a sophisticated government we have."
George Mercier Bondi
(My emphasis.)
Rainbow coloured poles. What a great idea and that would tie in nicely with the stupid marriage postal survey. :taunt:
Hideous Electrical Tower Upcycled Into A Rainbow (http://sobadsogood.com/2014/07/09/hideous-electrical-tower-upcycled-rainbow-glass-cathedral/)
And some of these traffic lights would be rather cool Too.
(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/80/9e/73/809e73d740a4a0a6ecc13f64528e1db6--traffic-light-colorful-pictures.jpg)
Husband takes the wife to her high school reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.
The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor really living it up, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty-five years ago, he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
I went to the liquor store on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
:laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='111799' dateline='1505948561'I went to the liquor store on Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the Scotch before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
I'll drink to that :laugh2:
Studies have demonstrated that Kiwi's have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand most medical terminology ...
Medical Term
New Zealand Definition
Artery
The study of paintings
Bacteria
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
Made eye contact with her
Colic
A sheep dog
Coma
A punctuation mark
Dilate
To live long
Enema
Not a friend
Fester
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
A small lie
Impotent
Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
A higher offer
Nitrates
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Node
I knew it
Outpatient
A person who has fainted
Pelvis
Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative
A letter carrier
Recovery Room
Place to do upholstery
Rectum
Nearly killed him
Secretion
Hiding something
Seizure
Roman Emperor
Tablet
A small table
Terminal Illness
Getting sick at the airport
Tumor
One plus one more
Urine
Opposite of you're out
:laugh2:
Yes, on par with your usual excellence Basil ..... :laugh2:.... keep it up!
Thanks AJ & Uni.,i have a feeling i've posted that joke before but it was Irish and not NZ.??
I've got several years of Jokes from another Forum on my Computer,problem is you have to got thru them all to delete unsuitable ones and it takes time but i'll eventually get there.
We should have an adult only section :winkextra:
That means we'd be excluded from there then AJ? :winkextra:
True Uni, maybe a naughty person then :)
I thought you were trying to be good AJ? :mocking:
Pedro
I'm having withdrawal symptoms with no Sunday Football so will throw these up............................
Little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
***********************************************************************
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother andstarted back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I'veever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied..."My wife's first husband."
*************************************************************************
A little bit of Aussie culcha.....
Rural Australian Computer Terminology
LOG ON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster...
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough
******************************************************************
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs..
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this ' Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up RUGBY CLUB in the phone book.
**************************************************************************
On the funny side of things; Australia Post has created a new stamp with a picture of the Prime Minister of Australia, Kevin Rudd.The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the Prime Minister, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing and spending of $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp. .
*************************************************************
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech
and walked out into the lobby where he met President Trump
They warily shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
"You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."
President Trump said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian,
Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."
President Trump laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
"That's because it takes place in the future."
*************************************************************************
IRISH BLONDE An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
**************************************************************************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps things hot and some things cold." "Wow", said the blonde,"That's amazing.... I'm going to buy it !" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that," he asked?
"Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, What do you have in it?
The blond replied..........."Two popsicles, and some coffee."
***********************************************************************
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'
************************************************************************
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'
Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and
legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to
my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
'Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.........You got
nice house.'
************************************************************************
Kiwi farmer walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
************************************************************************
A little girl was with her Mum at a wedding, and she asked her:
"Mummy, why is the bride wearing a white dress?"
Her Mum whispers:
"Darling, that's to show that she is pure of heart, and that it's the happiest day of her life."
The little girl thinks for a while and then says:
"So why is the groom wearing black?"
****************************************************************
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What do we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the little abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula around a little but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What do I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washers. I filled it up with Holy Water from the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f**k off the windshield!"
*****************************************************************
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."
*********************************************************************
Q. How does a kiwi find his sheep in long grass?
A. Quite Pleasant
Q.Why can't Kiwi blokes take their girlfriends to the Rugby?
A.They eat all the grass.
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"
The crisis of the ship containing 50,000 Australian sheep in the Persian Gulf has been solved. The ship has been redirected to New Zealand and renamed "The Love Boat".
A man was found by police laying dead on his front lawn wearing an All Blacks top, pink panties and a dildo up his arse. The police removed the All Blacks top to save his family further embarrassment.
What's geographically wrong with New Zealand? It's above sea level
There were three people in a boat, 1 chinaman, 1 new zealander, and 1 aussie. The boat began to sink, so they threw out cargo they didn't need. The chinaman threw out some rice, saying
"we've got heaps of rice in china" the nz'er threw out a sheep saying "we've got heaps of sheep in nz" and the aussie threw out the new zealander saying "we've got heaps of these in Australia".
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another visitor from the Northern Beaches of Sydney. The barman
says, "You ain't from around here, are ya bro?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals." The bartender grins and yells, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
Three maori's are in a ford falcon, one has a red bandana another a blue bandana and the last one has a moustache, which one's driving? The Cop
Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?
Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
What you hear and what it really means:
BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.
BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"
BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours".
BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect
BUG HUT - popular recording
CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky
DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy.
ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon".
EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff
GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves.
LEATHER - foam from soap
SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes
COLOUR : Terminator, murderer.
CUSS : Kiss
DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males.
PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".
ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".
FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".
PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects
PIGS - for hanging out washing
PUGS - pink animal with curly tail
Cheers ay bro!!
**********************************************************************
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and starting writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a s...head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by BUS.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
*************************************************************************
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted $5,000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said: "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said: "I thought he was talking to you."
*************************************************************************
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='111873' dateline='1506203453'I thought you were trying to be good AJ? :mocking:
Pedro
:blush2: yes you know I wanna be good Pedro, just doesn't work for me on the very rare occasion, ok would you believe some of the time, ok would you believe most of the time, damn it would you believe all of the time :mocking:
You're starting to sound like Maxwell Smart with all the "would you believe" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Hd2e_tRBlY).
I knew some people would make the connection Jeff :)
"One size fits all". A very optomistic claim from Best and Less.
The mind boggles.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/One_size.jpg)
Mother Superior called all the Nuns together and announced: "We have a case of Gonorrhea in the Convent."
"Praise the Lord", said an old Nun at the back; "I am so tired of Chardonnay"
:laugh2: :laugh2: love it uni
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
Remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen..
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
Fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
:laugh2: there's some good one's there Basil :good:
•Which letter is silent in the word ''Scent,'' the S or the C?
•Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
•Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?
•Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work?
•How is it, that if you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before?
:laugh2: On ya Jeff!!! Sunday's always a good day to catch up with the ironying.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/honda.jpg)
:laugh2:
Pedro
That's a good one.
I actually thought he rode a chariot (https://newatlas.com/steampunk-honda-goldwing-chariot-sidecar-auction/51844/).
For the admin: Can the above be put in a more appropriate discussion please.
2 Posts relating to coin Storage issues have been moved to:
https://www.australian-coins.net/showthread.php?tid=4982
Bottom of page Posts No 15 & 16
An 80-year old man goes for physical. All tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get in up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom – poof!! - the light goes on.
When I'm done - poof!! - the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," says the doctor.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine, but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof!! - the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof!! - the light goes off?"
"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims, "He's pissing in the fridge again!"
:laugh2: ..... Excellent HB!
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know..., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi**tin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
:laugh2: .... 10/10 Basil!
Have to agree...top marks for that one :taunt:
Someone who sits next to me (not naming names) at work was reading the latest Status International catalogue and commented on a British medal up for auction. Seen below is the medal "reward for good reading" and Mark whoops says to me i thought it was for good beehive-our. Ha ha ha ha.
(https://www.australian-coins.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/good-reading-not-good-beehive-ior.jpg)
:laugh2: ... A top pun ...... I hope he didn't say that he'd combed the internet looking for something for his honey. :angel: (Cause she's the bees knees).
I've (or is that hive) heard of a spelling bee, but not a reading bee. :)
Most of us over 65 were HOME SCHOOLED - in many ways.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
This should be sent only to the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...
:laugh2:
Heard a few of those in my time Basil!
Pedro
Penguins
I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered
and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well
as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole
is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
It's so easy to fool OLD people.
Oh, quit whining - I fell for it, too!!
:laugh2: yes heard many of those as well Basil, not a bad lot mate :good:
Barry you are a shocker :laugh2:
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal
Government Survey: A government survey has shown that 91 percent of illegal immigrants come to Australia so that they can see their own doctor.
Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
:laugh2: ..... That makes it a hatrick for today fellas! Good stuff Basil, Barry & AJ!
My pleasure Uni :hi:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/beer_graph.jpg)
Sorry, I went to a business Christmas party tonight and only had one beer. So that complies with your pie chart.
The several red wines with the meal is what may have brought me undone!
One part of me would love to down a few ales but then the other part says not a good idea as I'd hate to have a seizure and undo all my hard work over quite a few years so it would all have been for nothing so I envy those of you that can sink a few so please sink some for me when indulging and especially at this festive time of year :friends:
Your pie chart representation has a ring of truth to it Uni! :laugh2:
Pedro
(http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/ftpuploads/bloguploads/1213/funniest-pictures-2013-chaos.jpg)
(http://cdn.smosh.com/sites/default/files/ftpuploads/bloguploads/1213/funniest-pictures-2013-santa-chocolate.jpg)
(https://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/12/not-right-g3.gif?w=326&h=205)
(https://www.thecanvasfactory.com.au/blog/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/funniest-photos-sauna.jpg)
(http://justsomething.co/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/unexplainable-images-17.jpg)
(https://imgix.ranker.com/user_node_img/50058/1001147562/original/h-photo-u1?w=650&q=60&fm=jpg&fit=crop&crop=faces)
Post your favorite (most memorable) movie lines. The Pink Panther
Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite?
Inn Keeper: No
Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him)
I thought you said yer dewg did not bite!
Inn Keeper: Zat... iz not my dog!
I love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
********************************************************************
....loudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
***********************************************************************
Default
You know you're Australian if...
43 self identifying things that tell you you're Australian
1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
***************************************************************************
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started..
************************************************************************
A Indian dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the pearly gates and tells St Peter "I'm here for Jesus."
St Peter turns around and yells "Hey Jesus, your taxi is here..."
***********************************************************************
Scientists have found that many women develop "Hoover's Disease" after a year of marriage. They make a continuous whining noise but don't suck anymore.
***********************************************************************
A girl in a pub points at a guys beer gut, and says "what is that, vb or tooheys ?" He says "no idea, but there is a tap underneath if you wan't a taste !"
***************************************************************************
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ............
"Got stoned once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
**********************************************************************
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
=================================================
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
=================================================
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
===============================================
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill
===============================================
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
=============================================
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
==============================================
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
===============================================
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
=================================================
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
Oscar Wilde
==================================================
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
================================================== =
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
Winston Churchill's response
================================================== ==
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
================================================== =
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
================================================== =
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
================================================== ==
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
================================================== =
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
==================================================
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
==================================================
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
==================================================
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
================================================== =
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
================================================== ==
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.."
Oscar Wilde
================================================== ===
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
================================================== ====
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
================================================== =====
"I've hve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
**************************************************************************
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me."
******************************************************************************
:laugh2: Christmas cheer that arrived early! Well done Basil.
Pedro
:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:
1. My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 kilos. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
***************************************
Confucius Did Not Say...
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
Passionate kiss like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fights with wife all day get no piece at night..
It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Wise man doe not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
***************************************
During a Parliament House dinner, Chloe Shorten leaned over to chat with
Governor General Sir Peter Cosgrove.
"I bought Bill a parrot for his birthday, she gushed, That bird is so smart,
Bill has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"
That's very impressive," said Cosgrove, "But, you do realise he just speaks
the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean."
"Oh, I know," replied Chloe, But neither does the parrot."
***************************************
:good: Love your work Basil
Pedro
:laugh2: .... great stuff Basil!
My pick of the bunch: I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others. So true! :winkextra:
:good:
Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.........
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........
(you are going to love this..)
" What's for dinner, Zorro?
I've got a heap to sort thru. when i get some time but this is a good one.
......
I was in a pub in Cork, Ireland last summer.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans called out, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent. No one took up the bet. One Irishman was seen leaving but later he returned and said, "Is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000."
"Grand," replied the Irishman, "So pour the pints and start the clock."
The last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
"OK pay up." said the Irishman.
"Here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, why did you not accept then? "
"Well Sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
*************************************************************
:laugh2: Practice makes perfect.
Pedro
:laugh2: yeah pay that one Basil :good:
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Melbourne, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up and bringa her back home."
****************************************************************
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
*******************************************************************
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hobehind. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.
So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family.
*******************************************************************
Neville the Aborigine had been out of work for a long time and when he was offered the job at the council as a garbage collector he decided to take it up. On his first day things were going great until he arrived at one house and noticed there was no wheelie bin out front.
Neville thought to himself,
"I wanna do a good job and not get fired from here but if they find out I missed one house then I will get fired."
So he went up to the door and knocked on it. To his surprise it was a fellow Aborigine who answered. Neville breathed a sight of relief and said to the other bloke,
"Where's ya bin?"
The man replied, "I bin on 'olidays."
Neville then said, "Na, mate, where's ya BIN?"
"I bin on 'olidays I tell ya," was the reply.
Neville, slightly frustrated, says, "Na, ya idiot -- where's ya wheelie bin?"
The other bloke looked round to see who might be listening. "Well," he said. "I weally bin in jail -- but I'm tellin' everyone I bin on 'olidays, eh!"
*********************************************************************
A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
"Are you ok?" she says
"Yes" he replied.
"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.
"Its best I stay here" he said.
"But why?" says the blonde.
The boys says "Because I'm the f#cking goalie"
***********************************************************
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest seeing a chance to give a quick sermon.
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
"The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned."
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*****************************************************************
Default
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...
"Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa!!
****************************************************************
After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who had travelled to South Africa.
He said he just needs their bank details and PINs to complete the transaction.
***************************************************************
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
"Dammit" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.
"Oh God, this is gettin' worse," he slurs.
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
He falls flat on his face.
"I'll never make it home," he mumbles amid more curses.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and grunts "No way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "Maybe I can just can make it to the bed."
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
He says "To hell with it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Bridie, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Bridie. I was totally scuttered pissed. Me head's throbbin'. But how'd ye know?"
"Mick phoned ... You left your wheelchair at the pub."
***********************************************************
ADAMANT - THE VERY FIRST INSECT
AROMATIC - AN AUTOMATIC LONGBOW
AUTOMATIC SHIFT - WHEN THE DRIVER MOVES CLOSER TO HIS GIRLFRIEND
AVAIL - HELPFUL FOR UGLY WOMEN
AWESTRUCK - BEING HIT BY A PADDLE
BACTERIA - A MODERN SELF SERVICE T.A.B.
BADMINTON - THE REASON THE LAMB TASTED OFF
BIGAMIST - A FOG OVER ITALY
BLUNDERBUSS - A COACH WHICH GOES FROM MELBOURNE
TO SYDNEY VIA PERTH
BRASSIERE - SOMETHING TO WARM YOUR HANDS ON
BRUSSELS SPROUTS - A WORLD FAMOUS STATUE FOUND IN THAT
CITY
CLIMATE - THE BEST THING TO DO WITH A LADDER
COPULATE - WHAT AN ITALIAN POLICE CHIEF SAYS TO AN OFFICER WHO DOESN'T GET TO WORK ON TIME
DETEST - THE WEST INDIES PLAYING INDIA
DIAPHRAGMS - TRAMPOLINES FOR DICKHEADS
ENGLISH GENT - ONE WHO GETS OUT OF THE BATH TO URINATE IN THE SINK
FAUCET - WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF THE TAP WON'T TURN
FLOOZIE - A SWEET GIRL WITH THE GIFT OF THE GRAB
GAELIC - AN IRISH LESBIAN
HORIZON - A CALL GIRL GETTING UP IN THE MORNING
HUMBUG - A SINGING COCKROACH
HYACINTH - A YANK GREETING A GAL NAMED CYNTHIA
INCEST - RELATIVELY BORING
INNUENDO - AN ITALIAN SUPPOSITORY
JEWISH DILEMMA - FREE PORK
LACTIC - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK WHICH DOESN'T WORK
MINE SHAFT - WHAT A GERMAN CALLS HIS PENIS
MONOLOGUE - A DISCUSSION BETWEEN MAN AND WIFE
ORGY - GROPE THERAPY
PEDESTRIAN - A MOTORIST WITH TEENAGE SONS
RACIAL DISPUTE - WHEN THE JUDGE CALLS FOR A PHOTO
RED RIDING HOOD - A RUSSIAN CONDOM
SELF DECEPTION - FAKING AN ORGASM DURING MASTURBATION
SITTING PRETTY - SITTING BULLS GAY BROTHER
SONATA - A SONG SUNG BY FRANK
SPECIMEN - AN ITALIAN ASTRONAUT
TEARJERKER - A BLOKE WHO CRIES WHILST MASTURBATING
VICE VERSA - DIRTY POETRY FROM ITALY
VIRGIN - A GIRL WHO WHISPERS SWEET NOTHING DOINGS
************************************************************
You've done it again Basil.
Loved the Schitt family genealogy.
:laugh2: Brilliant Basil!
Pedro
:laugh2: .... Thanks Basil .... I needed that! :good:
These are a bit iffy but will throw them up before deleting.........
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and.... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening.. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
*********************************************************
Hurricane Shazza hit Port Adelaide in the early hours of Thursday 25th February 2010. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'. The hurricane devastated the area, causing approximately $30 worth of damage. Three acres of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Port Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Port Adelaide One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old mother of five said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept through it all.'
Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The Roof had blown off the 'early opener' Pub. but the Owner has managed to put a Tent over the Taps to stop them getting hot.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi-Breezers and VB to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Fake Driving Licences,several Tatoo Guns,Jewellery from Kmart and Bone China from Big W.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, uggh boots and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked Beans, KFC, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.
Your donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winfield Blue 25s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
* * * * *Breaking news* * * * *
The Port Adelaide Greek Orthodox Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display' Due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Port Adelaide - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it, anyway
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
"Aye matey."
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car."
He replied, "Sure is. And if you work hard, put in the hours and strive for excellence, I'll be able to get another one next year."
Have you ever noticed the irony of "hyphenated" and "non-hyphenated"?
I couldn't believe it when my son came home with two armchairs and a sofa.
I have told him a million times not to accept suites from strangers. (This one just for Uni.)
:laugh2: ...... and it was well worth it Jeff!!!
Bruce and Trevor are beggars. They beg in different areas of Bondi. Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects two to three dollars every day. Trevor brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Bruce says to Trevor, ''I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you manage to bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'' Trevor says, ''Look at your sign. What does it say?'' Bruce's sign reads ''I have no work, and have a wife and six kids to support''. Trevor says, ''No wonder you only get two or three dollars.'' Bruce says, 'So what does your sign say?' Trevor shows Bruce his sign. It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand'.
(Awww, come on you Kiwis ... It's just a joke!)
TESCO'S HORSE
In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat intheir home cooked burgers.
Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are "small amounts" of horse meat in their burgers.
Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened!
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!
Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
I still have a bit between my teeth.
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
Her condition is said to be stable.
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....
"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"
Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse.
At first I thought, "Oh great, I've been saddled with another email to
forward, but something spurred me on."
Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.
Since they're selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically
a "Trojan Horse?"
Instead of choosing "rare, medium or well done, it's now Win, Place or Show"
So punny, I laughed myself hoarse.
Yeah,....Clever
Funnee, I liked dem.
:good:
Pedro
(https://rlv.zcache.com/i_farted_kitten_postcard-r192d2f30c62e457fac57eb55ff3bb23a_vgbaq_8byvr_540.jpg)
John invited his mother over for dinner one evening.
During the meal, she couldn't help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was.
She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious.
She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye.
Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said,
"I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you're thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates."
A few days later, Judy went to John and said,
"You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can't seem to find it. You don't think she would have taken it, do you?"
"I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure," replied John. John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter:
"Dear Mom, While I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'didn't' take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son."
Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear John, While I am not saying you 'do' sleep with Judy, and I'm not saying you 'don't' sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom."
:laugh2:
Pedro
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a woman from the Philippines. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Brazil.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Scotland.
He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
:laugh2: ..... Very good Nevol!
:laugh2: love it. I've heard a similar one on a more politically incorrect theme, and loved it as well :laugh2: :laugh2:
10 Fun Facts
1. You can't see your ears without a mirror
2. You can't count your hair
3. You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out
4. You just tried # 3
6. When you did #3 you realised it is possible, only you look like a dog
7. You are smiling right now, because you were fooled
8. You skipped #5
9. You just checked to see if there is no #5
10. Share this with your friends so they can have some fun too
Have a fantastic day! :biggrin:
Correct on every count Nevol, you got me good :laugh2:
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DaiaQPFVQAAbBQ1.jpg
Patchy but a few giggles.
*****************************
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life. Paddy
said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I
pick your legs up and take you from behind!"
His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my
mother's house!"
************************************************************
My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's
daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I
hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"
**********************************************************
A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to
him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says,
"Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten
minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat
it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind
up, I should've got off four stops ago!"
*************************************************************
· I got banned from a Muslim clothes shop today. I only asked
for a bomber jacket. Touchy basta*ds!
· Ramadan is here again. The one time of the year when Muslims
cannot eat or drink within the hours of daylight, they just starve.
Never has the term, "Not enough hours in the day" been more
appropriate!
*******************************************************************
I met a pretty girl in the park the other day. We had an instant connection. Sparks flew between us. She lay at my feet, so I lay with her and made passionate love to her.
I thought.."these tazers are a f*cking great investment!"
******************************************************************
New Stock Marketing Terms
--------------------
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word, no longer used.
************************************************************************
A couple living in a small Minnesota town take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom as such but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to bowl," the woman said. So the young girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday night.
After her husband had gone off for his bowling tournament, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the young lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week, when you go off to bowl, I'll leave a little gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself, alright?"
The following Monday night, while the girl got undressed for her bath, the wife asked her, "Do you shave down there?"
"No," replied the girl, "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs on yours?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman and she showed the girl her hairy muff.
After the girl had gone to bed the husband came home and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said, "You've seen it before."
"I know," he replied, "but the bowling team hadn't!"
***************************************************************************
Bloke says to a chick in the pub "Jeez I'd give you one !"
She replys "you filthy pig I wouldn't have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth !"
He says "Wooah steady on ya fat Pig, I was just giving you a score out of 10 !"
************************************************************************
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!
*****************************************************************
Whats 6" long and drives women crazy?
Bank notes!
**************************************************************
God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head and said "How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year." God shook His head before saying, "No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back." "Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?" "No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot there!" "I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?" Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there and banged some Jewish girl... they're STILL talking about it!"
*********************************************************************
Teacher:
Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?
Little Johnny answered:
Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.
*********************************************************************
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
Been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
That were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife..'
**********************************************************************
When my son had his birthday I bought him an IPhone and he was really happy.
When I had my birthday, my wife made me very happy by buying me an iPad.
My daughters birthday came along and I bought her an IPod Touch.
When my wifes birthday came around, I decided to surprise her with a new iRon
What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean modules for a better family service.
Unfortunately, this inevitably activates the iNag reminder service, a non optional add-on.
************************************************************************
Three friends were trying to decide which bar to visit on the upcoming weekend.
The first guy says, "I'm pretty well known at my regular place. I'll buy 2 or three pints, and then the bartender will throw one in for free."
The second guy says, "I usually go to the pub down my street. The bartender free-pours, and I tip well, and every time I order a whisky, he pours me a double, but charges me for a single."
The third guy says, "There's this bar downtown. You never have to pay a cent for the booze, and you can drink anything you want. They'll give you a joint, and let you smoke it in the beer fridge, then at the end of the night, they'll bring you into the manager's office, where you can have all the sex you can handle, with multiple partners at the same time, if you want."
"No way," protest the other two guys. "There's no bar like that on the face of the earth."
"Yes there is. I've never been there myself, but my sister was telling me about it just last week."
*********************************************************************
Sometimes as a man you just can't win.
I was holding the door open for a young lady yesterday and you know what she said
"Will you fu*k off; I'm trying to have a sh*t".
*******************************************************************
Australian maritime authorities have finally released the names of some of the assylum seekers who were drowned at Christmas Island.
There was Flo Ting, Sin King, Drow Ning, Scree Ming, Gurg Ling and his cousin Dunk Ing,
Bub Ling and the good news is that Pad Ling survived
************************************************************************
CALIPHATE BROADCAST NETWORK: Prime Time Schedule
SUNDAY
8:00 My 83 Sons
8:30 Beat the Press
9:00 Let's Mecca Deal
9:30 ALLAH In The Family
10:00 Desperate Child Wives
MONDAY
8:00 Mad Mullahs
8:30 This Old Tent
9:00 Who Wants to be a Martyr?
9:30 Dancing with the Shahs
10:00 How I Stoned your Mother
TUESDAY
8:00 Islamic Idol
8:30 Extreme Cave Makeover
9:00 Suicidal Minds
9:30 Fatima Knows Best
10:00 Iran's Wackiest Public Hanging Bloopers
WEDNESDAY
8:00 SURVIVOR: Sudan
8:30 TeleTalibans
9:00 Project RUNAWAY
9:30 Married with 137 Children
10:00 Shari'a Law and Order: Special Self-Immolation Unit
THURSDAY
8:00 Camel Town
8:30 Ugly Jihadi
9:00 Grey's Apostasy
9:30 Taqiyya to Me
10:00 Real Housewives of Riyadh
FRIDAY
8:00 Wheel of Terror
8:30 30 Rocks
9:00 FLEE
9:30 So You Think You Can Detonate
10:00 The Jihadist Apprentice
SATURDAY
8:00 Veilwatch
8:30 Sharia Law & Order: Special Honor Killings Unit
9:00 Queer Eye for the Straight Jihadi
9:30 Everybody Loves Muhammad
10:00 Saturday Night Suicide
**************************************************************
I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "Piss off".
They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought........f*ck, I could win this..........
**********************************************************
strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said:
"Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
****************************************************************
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1:00 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife!"
*******************************************************************
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, global warming, my savings, Superannuation, my credit card debt, so I called Lifeline...
Got a freakin' call centre in Afghanistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....
************************************************************************
LAKEMBA HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
Name: _____________________________ Gang:___________________________
1. Jamaal has an AK-47 with a 40-round clip. If he misses 6 out of
10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson
for $320, and 2 grams to Billy for $85 a gram. What is the
street value of the remaining cocaine that he doesn't cut?
3. Tariq is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Tariq can
pay for his $800 a day crack habit?
4. Chang wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need to reach his goal?
5. Jake gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Holden, and $100
for a 4x4. If he steals 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Holdens
will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He received
$10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 a
month, how much money will be left when he gets out of jail, and
how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent all
his money?
7. If the average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet, and the
average letter is 0.8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Mohammad knocked up 6 girls in his friendly neighborhood gang. If
there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in
the gang has Mohammad knocked up? What percentage of girls in the
gang *hasn't* Mohammad knocked up?
BONUS QUESTION: Based on the information provided above, how many more
girls can Mohammad knock up in his gang if he has sex 8 times a day with
3 different girls a week for 6 months using the highly reliable "rhythm
method" of birth control?
*************************************************************
In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African-Americans have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!
In the survey, carried out for him by a leading toiletries firm, a huge majority, 86% of African-Americans, said that they have had sex in the shower.
The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet. Sort of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
*******************************************************************
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was
not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You just can't fix stupid.
*********************************************************************
Default The Aisle Seat
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before take off, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.
After take off the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke."
"Don't get up," said the rabbi, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi`s shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too."
Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.
When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:
"Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
**********************************************************
Politically incorrect jokes
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer is Africa.
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.
The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan, I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches to the bottom of the garden.
*************************************************************************
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots"
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
************************************************************************
There are some gems in there Basil :laugh2:
Pedro
All the funniest jokes seem to be sexist, racist, homophobic or obscene -sometimes more than one of those things. It is really hard to find one that is acceptable to everyone and non-offensive. This is the closest I have heard lately...
WARNING Not suitable for Buddhists.
Q. If you pull the wings off a fly, what is it called?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. A walk!
Anyone have something better?
Note to Uni; puns accepted but not eligible for the (non existent) prize.
:laugh2: On ya Jeff!
2 mobile's phones met and no 1 said to no 2 ,
I heard you got married , and no 2 said back to no 1
yes I did and we had . ?????
WAIT FOR IT
:yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:
had a great reception . HA HA :tease: :tease: :tease:
Good one Kel. Thanks for responding to my challenge -nobody else did.
Might be time to trot out my all time favourite.
Uni, being a pun aficionado, will probably appreciate it. Most people either just have a blank look or scratch their head on hearing it. Spike Milligan would probably have thought it hilarious but we all know he was, well.......different.
Q. Why is a crow?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Just caws.
Speaking of Spike Milligan; in a TV skit he did a man is struggling to swim in a lake. Spike and his wife are standing nearby and she says to him, "Don't just stand there, do something!" So he starts tap-dancing.
:laugh2: ..... Nice one Kel!
Love the crow Jeff ...... as I'm sure Graham Kennedy would have.
Oddly, only mentioned Spike yesterday in family conversation. (I told you I was ill).
as you should all know by now , we have good news now about dawn having cancer on her left kidney , that is why I have been so quite the last couple of months , we have being having a lot of tests done , the cancer is there but it is benign , they think , but we will know for sure on Monday when we see the surgeon specialist , but she also has
Paget's disease which they cant cure but can treat it , it is in her spine and leg muscles , we will know more on Monday .
please do not mention anything about this on Facebook thanks .
I think Graham Kennedy went off his crow fascination after a short while.
Would not raise much of a reaction now. How times change and not always for the better. But he was a very funny man with a perfect sense of timing (it's a joke Joyce). A couple of others in the same league are Sir Billy William Connolly and the late Dave Allen.
Two 98-year-old Diggers, on the way back from their Anzac Day reunion, are sitting on the platform at Wynyard, waiting for the train when a drop-dead-gorgeous young woman walks by. In her early 20s, she is wearing a mini-skirt, a sheer blouse, all the better to display her fine figure, and a beautiful face that could have been drawn by Botticelli. As she passes the two old Diggers, she gives them a playful wink. Neither of them speaks for a good minute.
Finally, the marginally older of the two Diggers says to the younger one, "You remember that stuff they used to put into our cocoa at Tobruk to diminish our sexual desires?"
"Yup, I remember," replies the second Digger.
"Well, I think it may have just started to kick in."
The Turkey And The Bull
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
:laugh2:
Mind you Donald Trump seems to be bucking the trend ... so far
Pedro
Out driving this morning and John Laws was on the radio. He had an email requesting this call (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zefiVKFixtM) be replayed.
It's a classic -almost enough to make you think talkback radio is not a total waste of time.
When you hear there is to be a royal wedding you naturally think "fried chicken (https://kitchen.nine.com.au/2018/05/15/14/34/kfc-hits-and-misses)".
I didn't watch the wedding -was it worth it?
Sunday night. I just watched the ABC news and the first 11 minutes were devoted solely to that wedding. I bet they (the ABC and I suspect the commercial broadcaster are even worse) are happy that nothing of importance actually happened in the world today -or did it and they just ignore it?
Yours cynically,
Jeff
Some points to ponder
* If you attempt to rob a bank you likely won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
* The letter W, in English, is called double U. Shouldn't it be called double V?
* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
* The word "swims" upside-down and backwards is still "swims".
* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
* 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
* The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.
* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.
* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day".
(Save this thought until 2022 – because it does fall on a Tuesday!!)
************************************************************
THE IRISH NEVER HESITATE TO COME TO THE AID OF THEIR FELLOW MAN, AIR PASSENGERS, IN THIS CASE!
SHORTLY AFTER TAKE-OFF ON AN OUTBOUND, EVENING AER LINGUS FLIGHT FROM DUBLIN TO BOSTON,
THE LEAD FLIGHT ATTENDANT NERVOUSLY MADE THE FOLLOWING PAINFUL ANNOUNCEMENT
IN HER LOVELY IRISH BROGUE:
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M SO VERY SORRY, BUT IT APPEARS THAT THERE HAS BEEN A
TERRIBLE MIX-UP BY OUR CATERING SERVICE. I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS HAPPENED,
BUT WE HAVE 103 PASSENGERS ON BOARD, AND UNFORTUNATELY, WE RECEIVED
ONLY 40 DINNER MEALS. I TRULY APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MISTAKE AND INCONVENIENCE."
WHEN THE MUTTERING OF THE PASSENGERS HAD DIED DOWN, SHE CONTINUED,
"ANYONE WHO IS KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE UP THEIR MEAL SO THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN EAT,
WILL RECEIVE FREE AND UNLIMITED DRINKS FOR THE DURATION OF OUR 10 HOUR FLIGHT."
HER NEXT ANNOUNCEMENT CAME ABOUT 2 HOURS LATER:
"IF ANYONE IS HUNGRY, WE STILL HAVE 40 DINNERS AVAILABLE."
*********************************************************************
:laugh2: ..... Thanks Basil!
:good:
Pedro
Good ones Basil and minimal recycled this time.
Love the airline joke as I have been on flights where the meals were too few but never had the drinks offer.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night, and he said "Thanks, but why'd you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him "The chances two serial killers in the same car would be astronomical!"
Q. What do IKEA and Barnaby Joyce have in common?
A. One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
:laugh2:
Pedro
How to Maintain a Healthy Level
Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
2. On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Sing along at The Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...'
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favorite...
10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
*******************************************************************************************
Did I tell you my joke about amnesia?
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're
asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably
take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you
really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
A man wakes up in hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor says, ''You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pileup on the freeway. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed and we couldn't find it.'' The man groans, but the doctor goes on. ''You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch.'' The man perks up. ''But,'' the doctor says, ''For such a decision as this, you must consult your wife. It's very important she plays a role in helping you work out what you both want.'' The doctor returns next day, ''Have you spoken with your wife?'' ''Yes, I have,'' says the man. ''So, what is your decision?'' asks the doctor. ''We're getting granite counter tops.''
A classic Two Ronnies sketch (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MknJkRGErwY) for you.
(https://pics.me.me/chickens-of-australia-beach-chicken-bin-chicken-park-chicken-speed-29790917.png)
I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're".
There so stupid.
Lifetime warranty with these.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37826804_2229747517097842_3669635725743095808_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=b07078c2734e7a96c9ca0ddb6ed0b912&oe=5BD8AA58)
:laugh2: (love the chickens!)
Pedro
Hmmmm, Looks like I'll have to wait for all those Chicken varieties to appear on Aussie Coins.
C'mon RAM, whatcha waiting for?
:laugh2: Some good stuff there Jeff!
This was in today's paper in Peter Fitzsimmons' column in the sports section. Not meant as a funny story but a line in the middle made me burst out laughing.
QuoteTwo from the blue
Last Saturday the mighty Maccabi Jewish Rugby sub district team had an away game, playing competition leaders Menai, at Menai. But listen, due to injuries and mishaps, one thing leads to another and half an hour before kick-off, the Maccabi men find that they are two short for their last match of the season. The manager approaches the Menai team. Would you have any spare players from your large squad to even things up?
Menai says they'll think about it. Nothing happens. OK, forget it.
So, with just five minutes to go before kick-off, the Maccabi lads are in a huddle at one end of the field, gathered around their captain. "Give it everything. We are up against it, but let us show them what we are made of. Tackle yourselves red raw." Then they are interrupted by some taps on the shoulder.
What now?
They look up to see two enormous Pacific Islanders, with gleaming bare torsos. Both of them, clearly, could crack walnuts in the crook of their arm just by flexing their biceps. What do they want?
''Shalom boys,'' one of them says in a thick Kiwi accent, ''we are your two new Jews.''
The Maccabi lads laugh and cheer and embark on a flurry of jersey swapping to make sure these worthies at least get the biggest jerseys they have. A new team photo is taken before kick-off and then the team, with their ''two new Jews'', run out.
The result? A game for the ages. Energised, with their two new recruits running riot, Maccabi lifts, while Menai bursts back. Maccabi lifts some more. Menai explodes. But Maccabi has their measure. Almost.
The final score, after a seesawing match which saw the crowd roar themselves hoarse: a 57-55 win to Menai. Maccabi and the two new Jews say goodbye with deep gratitude on both sides and real regret at the parting.
Oh No!!!!
https://www.news.com.au/travel/world-travel/north-america/group-of-women-rescued-by-police-after-becoming-stranded-on-a-giant-inflatable-unicorn/news-story/e1cb93d7248fba1560f8ace242017f3e (https://www.news.com.au/travel/world-travel/north-america/group-of-women-rescued-by-police-after-becoming-stranded-on-a-giant-inflatable-unicorn/news-story/e1cb93d7248fba1560f8ace242017f3e)
A friend of yours Uni?
Yes indeed the old "blow up" Uni doll ...... I'm sure it's a throw back from Kingswood Country where Ted Bullpit said that someone should blow unicorns up! :laugh2:
Oh dear. I never knew that.
I am tempted to make a disparaging remark about Kingswoods.
You're not mocking the Kingswood ...... :laugh2: .......
I liked the way they structured the point in the wikipedia page ...
- "Somebody/someone should blow [current object of annoyance] up!" e.g. "Someone should blow those nuns up!"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingswood_Country (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingswood_Country)
I wouldn't mock the Kingswood. I do note that Ted traded it in on a Commodore late in the piece.
According to Ted, he is a descendant of Lord Stokely Bullpitt of Kingswood who died in 1786 as he fell from his horse during a nun hunt. :laughingneqw:
Neighbour SMS communications . . .
DEAR NEIGHBOR:
Hi, George, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently & I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you.
Regards,
Richard
NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:
George, feeling enraged & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.
2nd TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, George, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out & noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
It would be funny if it wasn't so serious. I am starting to think our parliamentarians couldn't run a chook raffle in a pub -although Pauline Hanson might be capable of doing that.
[align=center](https://sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/keep-calm-only-3-more-prime-ministers-until-christmas.png)[/align]
Would the person who left several thousand dollars on the bus yesterday please contact me.
(https://us.123rf.com/450wm/albund/albund1504/albund150400090/38698881-a-close-up-view-of-five-wads-of-folded-over-stacks-of-australian-dollar-banknotes-each-bound-infomal.jpg?ver=6)
I have your rubber bands.
Love it Jeff!!!! :laugh2:
Jeff, forget the rubber bands but can I have my notes back please? Address follows.
There will be a small deduction to cover the postage and the insurance.
Suggested reading. Bring back these Aussie sayings. (https://www.smh.com.au/national/fresh-and-brilliant-and-ours-bring-back-these-aussie-sayings-20180903-p501dp.html?crpt=homepage)
Be sure to scroll down to the bottom to check the comments.
A lot are definitely not fresh -some are, particularly a few attributable to Barry Humphries- and many mentioned are not Australian at all but borrowed from overseas. However a chance there to enhance your vernacular vocabulary.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='116628' dateline='1536096051'A lot are definitely not fresh -some are, particularly a few attributable to Barry Humphries- and many mentioned are not Australian at all but borrowed from overseas.
Yep,not many egs. listed by PF for whatever reason,as i posted in another Thread a couple of years back a guy wrote a Book on Aussie vernacular back in the 1980's(?),page after page of the stuff. He also stated many Oz quips found their way into US slang after Soldiers returned from WW!!,so not a one way street.
I think the article is way to get his 'flavour of the Month quip','Coca-Colonisation' into a story.
A New York attorney representing a wealthy Jewish art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars ...
and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary !!!!
This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it doesn't smell and it's silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks terribly." "Good", the doctor said, "now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll start to work on your hearing."
An oldie but a goodie.
Reminds me of a riddle....
Q. Why do farts smell?
A. For the benefit of the deaf.
:laugh2: Some goodies in there folks!
Pedro
:i_agree:
Top Job!
Hi folks .AJ said to say hello to you all and he is very busy just now but will catch up with you later on ,
We have just had a lovely meal with them ,staying their place tonight and moving on tomorrow. ,, kel ,,
That's great news Kel! Thanks for posting it. Have a lovely trip. :good:
We have moved on now and staying the weekend at port macquire staying and leaving mon morning.
(https://pics.me.me/after-the-last-child-moved-out-the-old-woman-sold-23167119.png)
Arrived Geelong this afternoon , met up with Bruce This morning and had a great trip with him being our pilot through Melbourne , boy what a big city , we are in a caravan park for tonight in Geelong and hope to catch up with our family tomorrow and have a few trouble free days with them ,have not worked out when we will start to head back home or which way we will be travelling yet , time will tell.
We would like to thank Bruce ( gold seeker )for going out of his way to help us to get through Melbourne ,we would probably have made it ourself but with a lot of nerve racking moments , his expert guidance was so much appreciated . Thank you Bruce . :yahoo: :yahoo: :yahoo:
I see a old Russian woman, named Babushka, was stopped at Customs
the other day. She was trying to smuggle 6 other
women into the country.
It was the least I could for a Forum Member.
Misunderstandings
A little boy went up to his father
and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come
from?"
The father replied.
"Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed
this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge
said, "And I've decided to give your wife £775 a
week,"
"That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds
myself."
A doctor
examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and
said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at
all."
"Me neither doc," said the
husband. "But she's a great cook and really good
with the kids."
An old man goes to the Wizard to
ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for
the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."
The old man says
without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Gypsy
Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and
asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly
from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were
investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun!
What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe:
"My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he
say," asked the nurse.
"Oops!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years
and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a two piece or an
all-in-one?"'
"Better get the two piece," he replied. "You'd never get
it all in one."
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt
of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in
the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's
there."
:laugh2:
Pedro
Home Security Aussie style.
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style) To PROTECT YOUR COINS.
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Blue,
We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back within an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell them apart with all the blood about. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cheers,
Wacka
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='116875' dateline='1538281651'Home Security Aussie style.
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, (Aussie Style) To PROTECT YOUR COINS.
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
Hey Blue,
We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back within an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls;
they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer
took part, but it was hard to tell them apart with all the blood about. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.
Cheers,
Wacka
That should do the trick. :)
US Navy cruiser anchored
in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.
The first evening, the ship's
Captain received the following note from the
wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation
owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's
Debutante Ball. I would like
you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers
in their formal
dress uniforms to attend the dance."
They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an
evening of polite
Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the
escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point:
"No Jews, please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain
replied:
"Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to
present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am
sending four of my
best and most prized officers."
"One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of
Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and
ship design."
"The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter
pilots, and a graduate of
Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering.
His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical
Engineering are
from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut
candidate."
"The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees
in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is
awaiting notification
on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech."
"Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant
commander, is our ship's
doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his
medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We
are very proud
of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at
Bethesda."
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite
excited and looked
forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four
handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in
her social
circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard
a polite rap at the
door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four
very handsome,
smiling Black officers.
Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she
stammered, "There
must be some mistake."
"No, Madam," said the first officer.
"Captain Goldstein never makes
mistakes."
*******************************************************
Especially for you unbelievers and cynics!!
The other day when visiting Sydney a local mosque opened its doors and invited non-muslims to visit in the spirit of their faith's willingness to be open and welcoming,
so, I too decided to go to the local mosque in Lakemba for the first time to see what it was all about. Lakemba has a large Muslim population and the Lakemba mosque is one of Australia's largest.
At the time I was limping a little. I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "by the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralysed, I only had a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "by the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammed - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After prayers I stepped outside, and bugger me, he was absolutely right, my car was gone!!!
*********************************************************************
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Cat_on_Pill.jpg)
^^^^^^^^^^Love this one ^^^^^^^
Great sex quotes
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers
Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
:laugh2: Well done Basil!
Pedro
Thanks Pedro,i think i've posted some of those quips before but they are clever.
I've got pages of íffy' & racist jokes,when i get a bit more time i'll edit them to make them a bit more suitable for this Forum.
*************************
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer...'
------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art... It's
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty...'
----------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'
--------------------------------------
One more..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
*******************************************************************************
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/44665819_2072413789485258_5073216598395846656_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=0b2c1a563e4fa52f3a0583278686df0d&oe=5C4BDCEC)
I just found out that 20% of women are on medication for serious mental health issues. That is a scary statistic as it means that 80% are walking around untreated.
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus
crashed as it left the publishing house last Thursday,
according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied,
confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered,
mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted,
astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled,
overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
:laugh2: ...... love it Jeff!
When I came across that one I immediately thought of a particular, rainbow hued, forum member.
Don't try to use "beefstew" as a password.
.
.
.
It's not stroganoff.
^^^^^Love it^^^^^
Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary?
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing – not one Canary there either!
Quote from: 'Nevol' pid='117459' dateline='1541890086'Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary?
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing – not one Canary there either!
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
:laugh2:
Pedro
+1 .... :laugh2: did not see that coming.
Loved that one Nancy.
I have passed it on elsewhere with great responses.
You most probably heard this one before but never mind:
Mum is in the kitchen getting breakfast for the family and the son comes into the kitchen in a fould mood.
Turns to mum and says "Stuff it, I am going to kick a chicken"
Mum replies "kick a chicken you won't get any eggs".
Daughter comes down into the kitchen a couple of days later in a bad mood and says to mum "I am going to kick a pig" to which mum replies "if you kick a pig you won't get any bacon or ham".
Grandpa comes down a few days later a in a real stinky mood and tells his daughter "I'm going outside to kick a cow" to which his daughter responds with "you kick a cow you will not get any beef".
Several days later, dad comes into the kitchen and kicks the cat.............../
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46080167_2472372716168653_2757261389331431424_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=d574dd43e2ca2f7e258d12687b380113&oe=5C782E12)
This one for Uni. Others may have to think about it.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/Tabasco.jpg)
:laugh2: Love it Jeff!
:laugh2:
Pedro
A pensioner drove his brand new BMW up to 130km/h, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 160, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...
Every day/week/month is claimed for some worthy cause!
The Australian Senate just passed a motion (pun intended) to support World Toilet Day (http://www.un.org/en/events/toiletday/).
:laugh2: ...... What a great use of their time!
We've probably all heard the phrase "s**t a brick" ........ now we can apparently do an alternative ....
https://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/inventions/world-first-human-urine-bricks-developed-in-south-africa-could-weevolutionise-building/news-story/8b674950e39a4c49987295eaaf067e7f (https://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/inventions/world-first-human-urine-bricks-developed-in-south-africa-could-weevolutionise-building/news-story/8b674950e39a4c49987295eaaf067e7f)
I had an infection once and it felt like my bladder was manufacturing those bricks! :shock:
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='117520' dateline='1542335800':laugh2: ...... What a great use of their time!
We've probably all heard the phrase "s**t a brick" ........ now we can apparently do an alternative ....
https://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/inventions/world-first-human-urine-bricks-developed-in-south-africa-could-weevolutionise-building/news-story/8b674950e39a4c49987295eaaf067e7f (https://www.news.com.au/technology/innovation/inventions/world-first-human-urine-bricks-developed-in-south-africa-could-weevolutionise-building/news-story/8b674950e39a4c49987295eaaf067e7f)
So a brickie should drink more beer to make his own bricks? Might be a great excuse when pulled over for RBT to tell them that you were not drinking but actually working. :police_car:
:laugh2: ..... that's the one Neal, I'm sure they'd be mortar-fied!
The copper that would accept that story would have to be As Thick as a Brick (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BV-ASc0qkrM)!
When an Engineer has too much time. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aEq37e0Whb0)
:laugh2:
Pedro
That's a beauty Jeff.
If tomb is pronounced 'toom'
and womb is pronounced 'woom'
why isn't bomb pronounced BOOM? :cool:
Inspector Clouseau will agree with you....Lol
The joys of the English language!
Pedro
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a4/73/21/a47321497d9a60f5a3215bc5cab4ed75.jpg)
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/a8/39/09/a83909ee1d84e045a00bb4efacd52992.jpg)
Who doesn't love word scramble puzzles.
Try these ones, should be easy to solve with the clues
PNEIS (something hard that most men have)
NGGERI (a term of colour applied to some people of certain races)
BUTTSXE (not every one will get this)
Answers:
spine
ginger
subtext
Well done , mate , I thought I had them all right until I went down and found the answers
Irish Confession:
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.
"He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
______________________________ ______________________________ __
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as
he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
______________________________ __
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
______________________________ __
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
______________________________ __
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin'
in the vase on the mantel piece?'
'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
______________________________ __
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in the morning.
I can't break her out of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home!
______________________________ __
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
______________________________
I could not but think of our house when I saw this one. We have three cats but one, in particular, loves pushing things off the kitchen bench onto the slate floor.
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/73/ae/eb/73aeeb6804972acf96e6b013bf71375c.jpg)
:laugh2: On ya Jeff! Our dogs will take anything that's left outside and chew it up. They got Mrs Uni's crossword dictionary a make a real mess of that! Talk about eat ya words!
Each morning for girls waking up is the hardest thing.
For boys it is only the second hardest thing. :biggrin:
:laughingneqw: so true, but that was such a long time ago I barely remember.
:laugh2: ..... me too Auto ..... I barely ......
AA meeting
(http://i.imgur.com/u5J3diG.jpg)
Good one Jeff.
I needed a laugh. :)
A aboriginal man walks up to the bar with a Brilliant full red GV Australian penny and the barman asks !! Where Did You Get That From!!! and the Penny says- Down at the creek, there,s hundreds of em...
:laugh2: Pay that one Stan. It's good to laugh :laugh2:
And a merry Christmas from me too.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3Q_3a7HfA0[/video]
That's funny Jeff. I have sent it to my Kiwi friend. :)
The children want a cat for Christmas.
.
.
.
I usually cook a turkey.
.
.
.
But whatever makes them happy!
Roy & Rob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by & asked them what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole" said Bob, but we don't have a ladder.
The woman said "hand me that wrench out of your toolbox".
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down, took a tape measure from the toolbox. measured the pole then announced,"18 Feet and six inches", and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed, "Well, isn't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said, "We need the height and
she gives us the length".
Roy and Bob are still working for the government, but now they are both Parliamentarians.
:laugh2: I did wonder where we got our politicians from.
Pedro
:laugh2: ..... and we do know where we can put the pole.
Telstra and Optus are getting married.
There will be no reception!
so nothing changes then. :)
(https://meme.xyz/uploads/posts/t/l-37983-apparently-theres-a-third-option-between-burial-and-cremation.jpg)
And a few puns, riddles and one liners for Uni -anyone else welcome to enjoy if that is their thing.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
eBay is useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii
I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar...You can't tell me that's just a coincidence!
:laugh2:
Pedro
some good ones there that I can passon , ( pass on ) opps sorry .
Well done Jeff!
Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??
:laugh2: ..... Love it Basil, did not see it coming!
:laugh2:
Pedro
A nice twist at the end.
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door.
Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten b***h", she screams, "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the f*****g kids!!
:laugh2: ... Good one Nevol!
:biggrin: good one Nancy.
Heard this one the other day, can't remember if I'd heard it before, they're all new these days!!
The granddaughter makes a rushed trip back to Oz to console her 100 year old Grandmother after the death of her 100 year old Grandfather, and after inquiring about the circumstances surrounding the death, the grandmother revealed that they were making love at the time.
"Oh Grandma, you should have realised such an activity at your ages comes with so much risk", and Grandma explained that it really wasn't strenuous as they did it every Sunday morning to the beat of the church bells, slow and rhythmic, no stress at all. Then Grandma went on to say, "and if Mr Whippy hadn't driven down our street, your Grandfather would still be alive today"
:laugh2: Nancy & AC!
Pedro
...some ordinary/weak ones but i'll throw them up whilst its quiet....
************************************
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."
--
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
--
--
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" the girl replied.
***********************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's how the fight started ...
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started ...
**************************************************************
Antenna Sex
This guy pulls up in his customized Chevy van, parks, walks into a singles bar. A while later he comes out with this voluptuous woman. They drive up to lookout point, park the van and climb into the back. After some preliminary foolin' around, the young lady says: "Go break the aerial off your van and bring it back and whip me with it."
At first, the guy refuses. But eventually he gives in to her pleading and goes and breaks the aerial off. He comes back and proceeds to whip her with it. She moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has multiple earth shattering . . . She rests for a while then says: "Now I'll whip you with it."
At first, he refuses, but soon gives in to her cooing and pleading. She grabs the aerial and slaps him with it while she moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has yet another series of earth shattering . . . while raising a few welts on this dude.
This 'ol boy is about tuckered out for one night, so he takes the bombshell home. When he wakes up the next morning, he don't feel too good. Then, for the next couple of days, he feels really bad. Finally, he's feeling sooooo bad that he checks into a hospital. The doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet, shakes his head, and says: "Young man, you should have seen a physician immediately."
The doctor then turns to the nurse and declares:
"THAT'S THE WORST CASE OF VAN AERIAL DISEASE I'VE SEEN IN YEARS..."
**************************************************
I'm living next door to an (Aboriginal/Moslem/Labour/Liberal etc) couple at the moment.
They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is "good morning you ugly ####"
It's not yours is it?
A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital.
Nurse tells him to bath a newborn aboriginal baby.
She goes to check on him and he's swishing the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick.
"You don't bath a baby like that she said.
He replied, "You do when the water's this ####ing hot!"
Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?"
Wife says "no".
Husband replies "that's the spirit!"
There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
Trycoxagane.
I failed my biology exam today.
I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer
.*****************************************************
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'
But the blonde keeps on screaming,
'I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!'
Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
Because we didn't have that as a prize.
The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'
And she hands the ticket to the
Manager and HE reads...
(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)
'W I N A B A G E L'
***********************************************
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."
The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
*****************************************************
Great Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
**************************************************
A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked,
"Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?"
Mulrunji answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week!"
******************************************************
The Universal Laws of Computing
For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
When the going gets tough, upgrade.
To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
*****************************************************
The drunk in the cathedral
A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
*****************************************************************
A guy was driving down the motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up.
'I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales.'
'Why's that?' he asked.
Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says,
"stit ruoy su wohs".
**************************************
what do you have when 32 harley riders are in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
**********************************************
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking. In the pan was one of my socks.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself ,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
*********************************************************
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties...
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $25."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the e ast for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie....."
***************************************************
Gary was depressed. He told his psychiatrist because he thought he was gay.
"Why do you feel that way?"
"Because my father was gay."
"Being a poof is not hereditary." said the psychiatrist.
"My brother is gay."
"That still doesn't mean that you are."
"My Uncle Bruce is gay. And my cousin Jeffery is gay."
The psychiatrist gave a concerned look and frowned."Does anyone in your family have sexual contact with women?. he asked.
"Yes", said Gary "my sister does."
************************************************
Still some cackles there Basil :ok:
Pedro
A woman enters a Pharmacy, walked up to the Pharmacist and said,
[align=justify]"I would like to buy a fast killing poison for humans".
[/align]
[align=justify]The bewildered Pharmacist asked, "Why what for?"
[/align]
[align=justify]The lady replied "I need it to poison my husband"
[/align]
[align=justify]The Pharmacist shouted, "Lord have Mercy! It's against the law! It's a sin!"
[/align]
[align=justify]"Absolutely not shouted the lady!" She reached into her bag and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.
[/align]
[align=justify]The pharmacist looked at the picture and screamed "Why didn't you tell me you had a prescription?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most functional word in the English language is SHIT
That's right shit!
You can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit,
forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains. There's crazy shit, there's bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, the wrong shit, the right shit and not enough shit, weird shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle and sometimes everything you touch turns to shit.
You could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don't give a shit.
Hope you have a shit free week. But remember shit happens.
[/align]
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
A woman and a baby were in the Doctors' examining room waiting for the Doctor to come in for the babys' first exam.
The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist" the Doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed, the Doctor said "no wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk!"
"I know" she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
:laugh2: :laugh2: and I'm glad I read that!!
HOW I GOT DIVORCED
Well, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a Happy Birthday, my parents forgot and so did all my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy Birthday Boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
I told her that was fine.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids and my colleagues
all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa ....NAKED
You're on fire Nancy :laugh2:
Pedro
SEWER BLOCKED BY LARGE POOH!
Pooh found in Scottish sewer (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-26195258)
Quote from: 'Nevol' pid='118398' dateline='1549490679'HOW I GOT DIVORCED
all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa ....NAKED
So he wore his birthday suit on his birthday? How appropriate :biggrin:
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of
the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the
front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come
inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow,
push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my
doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these
buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
______________________________ _________________
2. Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down
through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside,
Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated
..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me
your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a
couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed
with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and
say, 'times up' "?
_____________________________ _ _______ _____________
3. Irish Blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a
single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed.
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of
them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men...are men!
Nice one re the blonds at the casino. I just might have to try it and see if I can win!
A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said, he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie as we all know lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right -- the agent asked: "How many children do you have?
He answered: "Twelve."
The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered "They're in the cemetery with their mother."
MORAL: It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words...and don't forget, most politicians are lawyers.
Nice one Basil :laugh2:
This one came from a nephew:
Ride on Lawnmower With Grass Catcher
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Ride_on_Lawn_Mower_with_Catcher.jpg)
I don't think the poor thing would be able to stand if I tried to ride it. :)
Subject: Irish are fun - some new ones here!
.
There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.
...........................................
"O'Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?"
And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?" O'Leary replied.
.....................................
Young Teresa came home with some dreadful news. "I'm pregnant" she cries.
"And how do you know it's yours?" shouts her father
.......................................
PADDY: "Hey Shaun, what's Mick's surname?"
SHAUN: "Mick who?"
.........................................
*PADDY: "If you can guess how many Pheasants I've got in me bag you can have both of them".*
*SHAUN: Three.*
........................................
Mrs Murphy said: I don't tink me husband has been faithful to me".
"Why's that?" said Mrs O'Toole.
"Me last child don't look anything like him".
...........................................
Mrs O'Toole said: "I can only tell you this bit of scandal once, because I promised Mrs O'Leary I would never repeat it"
..........................................
Shaun and Molly sat up all night, on their honeymoon, waiting for their conjugal relations to arrive.
..........................................
Murphy had a rope hanging from a tree in his garden. Shamus asked him what it was for.
"It's me weather guide" said Murphy, "If it's swinging back and forth, it's windy and if it's wet, its been raining.
............................................
Murphy was told by the Doctor he had two weeks to live, so he chose the last week in July and the first week in August.
..........................................
Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man's hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. "You're not blind" she said. "No I'm not" said Paddy, "Its Murphy whose blind, I'm just filling in for him while he's gone to the pictures".
..........................................
"We're looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund", said Paddy.
"Didn't you take on a new one last month?" said Murphy.
"That's the one we're looking for", Paddy replied.
............................................
Father O'Flaherty asked Mrs O'Reilly how many children she had. Four was the reply. "That's a good Catholic woman you are, and when will you be having the next? He asked. "I'm not Father", she replied. "I read that every fifth child born in the world is Chinese".
........................................
The Dublin pensioners club go on a mystery tour every Wednesday and to make it interesting they have a sweep to guess where they are going. Shamus, the coach driver, has won five weeks on the trot.
.....................................................
O'Shaunessy the English Teacher earned high praise in recognition for his entire class getting100% in the written spelling test.
I can relate to Shamus the coach driver :D
Pedro
These T shirts are also available in whiskey and wine versions.
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/f4/93/53f493b2ab11f0d60502a3c3c464be47.jpg)
Love the Tshirt Jeff! ...... (must put that on the shopping list)
A Chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.
"He came in for some cough syrup," the assistant explains,
"but I couldn't find any so I sold him a bottle of laxative instead."
'What!' the Chemist says, horrified.
"You can't treat a cough with laxative"
"Of course you can" the assistant declares.
"Just look at him – he's far too scared to cough!"
Classic :laugh2:
Pedro
+1 :laugh2:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Shark_-_Type_of_Fat.jpg)
Click to start the clip.
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/2170068956369659/videos/394865511319244/[/video]
A woman golfer hit another player nearby when she teed-off.
He put his hands together between his legs, fell to the ground and rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
He reluctantly agreed.
She gently moved his hands away, unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massage him tenderly for a few minutes then asked
"How does it feel?"
He replied, "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken!"
:laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2: ..... Keep 'em coming Nevol!
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO LOS ANGELES , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO LOS ANGELES AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO LOS ANGELES AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO LOS ANGELES."
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How
does one manage to run a country so well and so effortlessly?
"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in."
When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"
"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer." So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer.
So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your
riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"NO, YOU IDIOT!" shouted Bush, "THE CHILD WAS TONY BLAIR!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women, a blonde,brunette and a red head were each granted a wish by a Jenie. They all asked to be smart. The Jenie turned the blonde into a brunette, the brunette into a red head and the red head into a Man...
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/OMG_I_m_Rich.jpg)
Quote from: 'Nevol' pid='118706' dateline='1551917509'(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/OMG_I_m_Rich.jpg)
Yep thats us oldies for sure....good one Nancy
(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/dark-twisted-humor-comics-perry-bible-fellowship-nicholas-gurewitch-184-599ec0103a90f__700.jpg)(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/dark-twisted-humor-comics-perry-bible-fellowship-nicholas-gurewitch-86-599ebf0d6f549__700.jpg)
:laugh2: Striking resemblance
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/53859527_1219102891592190_6530657580711149568_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=10df0fc0cb01b40e27b07a297112397c&oe=5D0AEF7A)
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://preview.redd.it/i8tv1szaraw11.jpg?width=960&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=2c0257538d954ab1747138df6b0592aad06eabf2)
Just for Jeff ....
[font='Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif](https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/maths_pun.jpg)[/font]
:laugh2: My son could relate to that!
Pedro
A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW .
There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big gum.
As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, Native Vegetation, Parks and Wildlife service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a 'Waste Treatment Facility'.
And I'm sorry, they turned you down".
Absolutely love it Nevol! :laugh2:
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's S**t ... that's right, S**t!
S**t may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
With a little effort, you can get your S**t together, find a place for your S**t, or be asked to S**t or get off the pot.
You can smoke S**t, buy S**t, sell S**t, lose S**t, find S**t, forget S**t, and tell others to eat S**t.
Some people know their S**t, while others can't tell the difference between S**t and shineola.
There are lucky S**ts, dumb S**ts, and crazy S**ts. There is bull S**t, horse S**t, and chicken S**t.
You can throw S**t, sling ! S**t, catch S**t, shoot the S**t, or duck when the S**t hits the fan.
You can give a S**t or serve S**t on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep S**t or be happier than a pig in S**t.
Some days are colder than S**t, some days are hotter than S**t, and some days are just plain S**tty.
Some music sounds like S**t, things can look like S**t, and there are times when you feel like S**t.
You can have too much S**t, not enough S**t, the right S**t, the wrong S**t or a lot of weird S**t.
You can carry S**t, have a mountain of S**t, or find yourself up S**t creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to S**t and other times you fall in a bucket of S**t and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your S**t, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a S**t; or not do so if you don't give a S**t!
Well, S**t, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a S**t and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of s**t. But, if you happened to catch a load of s**t from some S**t-head...........
Well, S**t Happens!!!
Doesn't look too genuine to me.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/55813568_2119657361453171_964799329996898304_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=673c99abec4fcf2d752ddc54049fab0d&oe=5D1293FE)
Ah, no. Unless they "superglued" the bottom sign - no bolts??? :dodgy: A bit of photoshopping perhaps.
Pedro
Isn't it on the wrong side of the road for Oz? :winkextra:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/You_Know_It_s_Hot_in_Australia_When.jpg)
:d_sunny: "The Tress are Whistling for Dogs" :d_sunny:
Love it. Good one Nancy. :heat: :heat: :heat:
I think 20. is on the money
Pedro
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
:laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2: ..... Keep 'em coming Nevol
No good, please stop the blonde jokes as they are KILLING me!
It's like the blonde walking down the street and walked into a building. What!, didn't she see it?
It's another hot day, so I've taken all my
clothes off and opened every window...
I feel so much better, although the other
people on the bus don't seem so pleased!
:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though. :winkextra:
A good reason to get a dog instead of a cat...
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/61677857_2751009681640055_2254626628015489024_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=ac5d0f27c3a6ba5061e22cd545be726a&oe=5D8F4F1B) Will come, at high speed, if you open a can of cat food
Better to be safe than sorry.
(http://www.giveitlove.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/FKSWO1C-32249.jpg)
Don't mess with old people.
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.
THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
:laugh2:
Pedro
Love it Nevol!
thanks Nancy , I just love number 5 at the end
Made my day :taunt:
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples.
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
The Urine Sample
One time I got sick and landed in the hospital.
There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy.
Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a child.
She would say in a patronizing tone of voice,
And how are we doing this morning?
Or are we ready for a bath?
Or are we hungry?
I had had enough of this particular nurse.
One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand.
Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing.
So you know where the juice went!
The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine bottle,
looked at it and said, My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.
At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and gulped it saying,
Well, I'll run it through again.
Maybe I can filter it better this time.
The nurse fainted....I just smiled.
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!
:laugh2: Brilliant Nevol!
:laugh2: :laugh2:
Pedro
The tax office decides to investigate 87-year-old Grandpa and contacts him for an urgent meeting.
The tax inspector isn't surprised when Grandpa shows up with his tax adviser.
The tax inspector says, "Well sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The tax inspector thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye."
The tax inspector thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The tax inspector's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you $2000 that I can bite my other eye." Now the tax inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned tax inspector now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you $6000 that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The tax inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the tax inspector's desk.
The tax inspector leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the tax inspector asks.
"Not really," says the tax adviser. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me $25,000 that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
Moral of the story?
Don't mess with old people!
The bad part about that joke is that is what the tax man does to us every year. Takes $25,000 in taxes off us and then we leap for joy after maybe getting a $3000 refund :@
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods...
"I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
:laugh2: ..... oh, keep them coming Nevol!
Hmmm. I might try that. :)
You've struck a rich vein Nancy :laugh2: :good:
Pedro
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/37904689_1438681336263665_7188124903730577408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=f0babd314c4f7f8d66a30967664257aa&oe=5D83567F)
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/35265850_1388519164613216_5020291833826115584_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=6337378df39bab9ba579735ce48a7117&oe=5D8A1A3B)
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/64528884_503272653774627_3389302295505141760_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=d8fc1e3c52582dd6f0f015d84d393fac&oe=5D8997C7)
While cleaning out his recently deceased grandfather's loft a guy discovers an old violin and a beautiful original painting of water lilies. So he takes them down to his mate at Sothebys who promises to call him back with a valuation. And when the guy gets the call the good news is that he has an original Monet and an original Stradivari.
"The bad news," his mate tells him, "is that Monet was crap at making violins."
And I suspect Stradivari was not much chop as a painter.
Two shortest books ever written-Italian War Heroes and Swedish Virgins...
Read all of the info, not just the circled bit ......
[font='Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif](https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/mat01.jpg)[/font]
Love it. They have a good range of door mats. And lots of other silly things.
https://highcotton.com/collections/doormats (https://highcotton.com/collections/doormats)
:laugh2: Can't remember the last time I taunted our doormat.
Pedro
[font='Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif](https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/coyote.jpg)[/font]
Always pays to read the fine print :laugh2:
Pedro
I suspect a roadrunner might also be sighted if you see a coyote doing any of those things. :biggrin:
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65722870_3016449281700399_1088175018648535040_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQmbEZfSb1V2Fh6Ny4zEDapOedah68zhrlvzJOUiQJSwpRZd64kMH7fukoXl1Qki22k&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=b04a59e3a523c148cda015c65313dd58&oe=5DB1F5EA)
Click on picture for clip. Courtesy of Fijian Humour Facebook page.
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/fijianhumour679/videos/2473484239541046/[/video]
(http://d2fd8be07w33ep.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/12114054/T-Shirt-Fail-2.jpg)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Guy comes in and sees his wife in bed with her Lover. He gets his gun out of his draw and puts it to his own head and his Wife laughs at him..So his says ""Keep Laughing because your next..
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And
a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
and finally...
Why did the guru refuse Novacain when he had his root canal?
Because he wanted to trancend dental medication. (if you don't get it, read it aloud)
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Teenage_Drama_Queen.jpg)
A Chinamen,a Yank,a Pom and an Aussie are talking about great things in there country. The Chinamen says they have the great wall. The Yank says they have the green grass of Kentucky and the Pom says they have the Union Jack. So the Aussie says we have the Kangaroo,who can jump your Great Wall,take a shit on your Green Grass and wipe his arse on the Union Jack..
An elderly woman was walking her dog one evening when a young man ran by her and grabbed her handbag and took off.
A couple across the street ran over to check on her saying the police were called and would be here in a few minutes.
The woman smiles and tells the couple that its really no big deal, she carries her old handbag to put her dog's poop in it until
she gets home to dispose of it..imagine the surprise when the thief opened the handbag.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/149/Boris.jpg)
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10136/149/Quen_face_palm_.jpg)
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation.
As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
" Mind if I have a few?" he asks. " No not at all," the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few.
" "Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!"
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Excellent Jeff! :good:
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into
the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he
asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts,
"Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him
back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers,
"No, I haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
:laugh2: Love 'em
Pedro
Hi Uni,
I sent your "Finding Jesus" joke to the person who sent me the "Old woman in Court" joke and all my Facebook friends thought it great.
(https://static.twentytwowords.com/wp-content/uploads/10shoes.jpg)
He got what was coming!
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/887544734964654/[/video]
Haha, he should have emptied the whole extinguisher in the idiots car. :)
:laugh2: Nice one Jeff!
[font='Trebuchet MS', Verdana, Geneva, Arial, sans-serif](https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/safe.jpg)[/font]
A few dad jokes for fathers' day....
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"
I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don't know why.
Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"And I told him, "No it doesn't!"
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store that make2 you an iWitness.
Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
:laugh2: ..... on ya Jeff!
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Boat_on_Ramp2C_Car_in_Water.jpg)
Wonderful English from Around the World.
In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail Lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctor's Office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry Cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
A Nairobi Restaurant: CUSTOMERS, WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom, Kenya: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a Cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS, IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR
In a Tokyo Bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID .
In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INST MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A Laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window: IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED, PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE.
A few good ones there....LOL
Some definitions:
These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and MY Personal Favorite!!
WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
Love em Nevol! :laugh2:
:laugh2:
Pedro
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris ,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking..
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OHNO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
:laugh2: You have to get something out of a shopping trip!
Pedro
A man in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Alberta Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean heavily scarred old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and I'll knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Haha. I thought the shotgun might have been for female bears. :)
After living in the remote countryside of Newfoundland all his life, an old man decided it was time to visit St. Johns town.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with.'
This breast feeding in Public is getting out of hand. :grin:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Deer_feeding_twins_on_Highway.jpg)
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
(https://i.imgur.com/aEiVN.png)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Now that's a K9 ..... or perhaps a K900!!!!!!
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='120673' dateline='1572296733'Now that's a K9 ..... or perhaps a K900!!!!!!
Or maybe just a very small lady!
Love the name of the dog..........
DON'T WASH YOUR HAIR IN THE SHOWER
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful.
It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body when you shower with it.....a warning to us all.
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,
"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I've been gaining weight!
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start shampooing with Dawn Dishwashing soap instead.
Its' label reads,
"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!!!
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73122605_3177328872341465_5838419933335126016_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQnb_tNjtE7eNNvjLaSvsS8Uq_UbOljw03IO1Kl6uVBiXDJHlawgO3donqBr8FT89Vk&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=23e75bc912d462ca7f50e652aefea79d&oe=5E52B17D)
So it's your doctor that has been driving you to drink eh?
I haven't had sex in so long, I went running in flip flops the other day,
just so I could remember what it sounded like. :)
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/kalakaarsapp/videos/509570692932537/[/video]
As far as I know I have no Irish ancestors but this does make me thirsty!
(https://res.cloudinary.com/teepublic/image/private/s--mbp2k1_o--/t_Preview/b_rgb:0f7b47,c_limit,f_jpg,h_630,q_90,w_630/v1549508004/production/designs/4157079_0.jpg)
BIOLOGY EXAM:
This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'.
The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
He got an A+.
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73148063_1155455061321574_4822501249746206720_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQnMZ8nMSELEjeEAGQRWnUwmzhiikyZc4NoN4vDwjKneK5ZB7bK4n8RS6zrO05HcJJI&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=37be6dced0b372810ff0deb71acd45b2&oe=5E4E47BD)
:laugh2: Love it Jeff!
Wine drinking as a competitive sport -bound to be a TV ratings winner and anyone can participate.
I might start training now.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1468606_10151796414148207_1293186318_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQm2s43N6FDyG2HLYFHkU1oQYTM8wkdKwLg-qneWj4rThqFub8guTg_AOL5NPbQPTm4&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=ffd9a156688f396ea0f618559b2b3511&oe=5E4DF90F)
Did you know that on
the Canary islands there
Is not one
Canary?
And on the Virgin Isles?
Same thing - not
one canary there
either!
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Cat_Suicide.jpg)
[img=640x718]https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78961981_1028677350827381_2780452834045329408_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=i1sTj_wwKRcAQmHh9elxIFzT4rF7zUPz8Cy0o377ESvh_UIEvQppTF2tQ&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=8c1511c91f4fbdd1dbd36be307b94a4e&oe=5E8A4E18[/img]
:laugh2: ...... On ya Jeff, they won't be tempting me ....... Sin dinero
Me too; it is a common event -don't know why. :huh: Porca miseria!
And "stay at home" does not mean shopping online.
Not really humorous but doesn't fit into any category.
Training for the Darwin Awards (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darwin_Awards)?
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/Jruda.1/videos/2950292111648332/[/video]
:shock:
Pedro
I thought the Dodgy Brotheys were a thing of the past but I just saw a TV advertisement for the Orange Motor Group and now I am not so sure.
(Don't know what happened to the other brother!)
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8IKyaFjWUE[/video]
Now go to next post...
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/OrangeMotorGroup/videos/487284078748154/[/video]
Boy aged 4: Dad, I've decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind?
Boy: Yes Grandma! She said she loves me, I love her too....and she's the
best cook & story teller in the whole world!!!
Dad: That's nice, but we have a small problem there!!
Boy: What problem?!
Dad: She happens to be my Mother. How can you marry my Mother!!?
Boy: Why not!? You married mine!!!!
If you are good then Santa will bring you presents.
If you are bad then.....[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ZK45Fbve6k[/video]MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE[img=196x190]https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR_iyK14I-J2X6WoPmCvbVEXiIAUtURS-4icPJkbYspoSWl6YReOQ&s[/img]
:laugh2: ..... Love the Orange Motors cars one Jeff ...... :laugh2: ..... I wonder do they stock 2 1/2" hose bits?
Not so sure about the 2½" hose bits but give Karl a call -(02) 6362 7169- and I am sure he will find some for you!
I gave Karl a call, unfortunately he only has similar stock to his supplier which is 3½" hose bits. (He said he'd stocked up during his supplier's Mothers Day sale). :laugh2:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw7yA9ylCHA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw7yA9ylCHA)
I guess the car owners don't see the funny side.
Baboon vandals (https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1200917/Clever-baboons-cause-safari-park-chaos-learning-break-luggage-boxes.html)
:laugh2: ....... one size fits all!
Does anyone else watch Dinner for One (https://www.sbs.com.au/guide/article/2016/12/19/broadcast-sbs-over-25-years-how-dinner-one-became-nye-tradition) on SBS every New Year's Eve?
Shown every year in many European countries, South Africa and Australia. In Germany it is the highest rating program every year with half the population tuning in on New Year's Eve.
The Guinness Book of Records lists it as the most repeated TV show ever.
Surprisingly it only premiered in Britain last year. (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/11/23/dinner-one-british-comedy-beloved-germans-finally-gets-home/)
If you haven't seen it , as Molly used to say. "Do yourself a favour".
Best viewed in company for maximum enjoyment.
Note that the introduction is in German but the rest is English. To save you the trouble of working out the introduction; the premise of this show is Miss Sophie is 90 and invites her male friends, who have all been dead for 25 years to dinner. Jame the butler has to stand in for the guests so Miss Sophie can enjoy the occasion.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3HuqfXLgZY[/video]
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='121012' dateline='1577825326'Does anyone else watch Dinner for One (https://www.sbs.com.au/guide/article/2016/12/19/broadcast-sbs-over-25-years-how-dinner-one-became-nye-tradition) on SBS every New Year's Eve?
Have not seen this for YEARS. I vaguely recall seeing it as a child in the 60s. If I recall correctly Dave Allen did a version of this also but I could be wrong. I think the funniest thing is the audience cracking up.
[img=489x498]https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/81355658_2617341694967791_7992199707038318592_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQkJIsjwyIHSNP7bK71D-YCx1_eovNU3hPNR_kPMwD5ohsrjavcB5oG9a-KrwG0KMrM&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=6ae0f99527df4ed6e8a3e0d06c6c3f4a&oe=5E686CA6[/img]
Late last week we went to Guyra for a family event, then on to Brisbane for the weekend. Arrived home today.
While in Guyra this sign caught my eye. [The place is choc-a-block full of old Kombi vans.]
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/Guyra.jpg)
I worked out why they have that slogan. Guyra is 1,330m above sea level. :biggrin:
P.S. Don't believe everything you see on the internet.
For the true surround sound experience you need dedicated headphones.
(https://ddaudio.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/DXB-6-5-8-1-headphones.jpg)
I'm getting a headache just looking at that thing. :(
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says: "Uno, dos..."
Poof....
As he disappears without a "tres."
Quote from: 'triplewitch' pid='121169' dateline='1579395573'A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says: "Uno, dos..."
Poof....
As he disappears without a "tres."
Well, that's a smart idea. I steal the joke and forget where I stole it from. Apologies folks, and to the original poster. I need a keeper.
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got everythin'organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the ...rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white
:laugh2: ..... love it Jeff!
I agree.
CHINESE MAIL ORDER BRIDES
Now 75% off Regular Price
Not allowed to consummate the union for 14 days.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/84635923_675873066514584_4043815295205244928_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQkvj8aq_1ua-q-Fm4p_xkEWup_X0_Fbpbjg1wotgtPi2Vp81kEt2zQzIXMPPo4b8sM&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=a85258dde8eefb07861578875d02a488&oe=5EC8F141)
(https://scontent-sin2-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/85110822_3750222718351542_5408404659448578048_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_eui2=AeF3VXIUDbupna6ddsMZ9ouAkagOaFF9bK5CtpTdwu5_Q_Rn6VYO3y6tBAf-MOTQm6iSlPJp8RzKa5srg2wgKXwFIbs344sg_Nu1ue7mfhbB4g&_nc_oc=AQkZYH9rY9rQa11QhV489cpzASxLb7V0_iiP_EgyXXTRe2Ipnn5Rz6qYwFvHcaLXzXs&_nc_ht=scontent-sin2-2.xx&oh=26632d1a8807463aef396d97001e374b&oe=5EB949A3)
:laugh2: .... it looks pretty slow Jeff, so the other drivers are likely to catch herbies
At any given moment the urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only a whim away.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGl5ReYunoY
Pedro
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks,
"Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead," the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says, "Plethora", and sits back down.
"Thanks," the woman says, "that means a lot."
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!"
The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should I do it?"
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/rappercrux/videos/10222348785894941/[/video]
Love it :laugh2:
Pedro
Lawnmower for sale
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Lawnmower_For_Sale.jpg)
I strongly suggest you don't try to test this assertion.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86802867_10216636304241649_2021691159776067584_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQm3bXC-GH6W8zSmmQ3Ynz5AQmoI-IqA0a2eyxNsyaCjtMPIrXMrfGrt2_ZeUxosVUA&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=5babc14dc4aab5bbffecf1c40e935c79&oe=5EFBBB10)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/85157666_2871678812892143_5457795400373108736_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlJAx2DxLHl2ViN1_l6Beul-XRDdrFZJe-P_Fy3XxhgDAXXr204zpYZRsjVn8Wt_r0&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=4225b8bb54454929c0796e09da73a143&oe=5EFE91C9)
:laugh2: I'll pay that!
Hmmm....Wonder if it's too late for me to STOP being teetotal?
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/105_Yr_Old_Woman.jpg)
:laugh2: .....Love it Nevol!
+1 :laugh2:
Pedro
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/t_paper.jpg)
Is that why we are running out of toilet paper???????
It is recommended we should use alcohol based hand sanitiser/wipes. Surely it would be effective internally?
(https://scontent-sin6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89222004_1340453276155403_6806777274369572864_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_eui2=AeFfRYR9b9tsmYPTwQOhgunm8qKQwb6XSUSoTSLUpE3yCDispWIOkUqZ5xXqSCyKT8TeEP_iTJHWCgvD8qd07qpOyODzFfqndI-7_Fwi_S9dpA&_nc_oc=AQnbDH_1nHOFx_4oEp2jUJUJHmP35KRGsAAeWE35VIeM8rw_gHU9IkRc9RSZ3vcIJm8&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-1.xx&oh=394624650ef4ac78bcc87d4cf8d4bd98&oe=5E97DA37)
(http://todayspaper.smedia.com.au/smh/shared/SMH-2020-03-05/image.ashx?kind=block&href=SMH%2F2020%2F03%2F05&id=Ad0190201&ext=.png&sk=2398CDB2)
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference
between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Some people say there is no difference but there is.
When you marry the right woman you are COMPLETE!
When you marry the wrong woman you are FINISHED!
And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!
No comment. My wife might see! :winkextra:
:laugh2: ..... You're both on a roll! Good stuff Jeff & Nevol
I know I have been putting a few here lately but could not resist this extra one.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89203174_2421581357946183_3071962645360803840_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_eui2=AeGl0b6biLsOb3l3uEpYKunI4v_kIXSDyNBSaujpa2CFZ9GVoVH3Te7ML4PqP-lKBNtYns-9pw8Z38pJPptjxWXrjMxUB9XkJwapUXJAdIqAtg&_nc_oc=AQly6rq5ysz1OmWyg8QHoS1XG-_waJ8y5qisy27u3ExCdeStBn3dsyrDnHnAHFR6k8g&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=55b834f69fe47ffd41f9786787c4cff7&oe=5E98BEDE)
Some people aren't shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone's out of toilet paper.
Good point Nancy. :)
Here is one for Uni (and any others with the same sense of humour).
Two conspiracy theorists walked into a bar.
Or did they ??
Now this is a wonderful mural.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52993355_2175280062510541_8971932599668703232_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_eui2=AeFt_ERL0ChNQlWN2MaosEjw5615R-miDsTW0J84Q2lK5sS9U4PvQCJdT8Cj7m84433IuvQmKnv9s9Lm8GA97Y2qEjWqEEbL34eUr0f7bOGTRg&_nc_oc=AQkdO-elYr7zpXHEIuyxKItIRKxkV7xYhbPTfstuguXahykfkcfhu70WXQ-n-Ky_wzA&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=ba61389a5b41cc9b7fc8c795c821a8ce&oe=5E989AA0)
Bound to create a rush on the cubicles.
:laugh2: ....... Pale face speak with forked tongue ...... :laugh2:
would you be able to pee if this was the case ? I don't think so .
Hence my comment about the cubicles Kel.
Yes, stage fright could be a problem.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='121752' dateline='1584499030'Now this is a wonderful mural.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/52993355_2175280062510541_8971932599668703232_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_eui2=AeFt_ERL0ChNQlWN2MaosEjw5615R-miDsTW0J84Q2lK5sS9U4PvQCJdT8Cj7m84433IuvQmKnv9s9Lm8GA97Y2qEjWqEEbL34eUr0f7bOGTRg&_nc_oc=AQkdO-elYr7zpXHEIuyxKItIRKxkV7xYhbPTfstuguXahykfkcfhu70WXQ-n-Ky_wzA&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=ba61389a5b41cc9b7fc8c795c821a8ce&oe=5E989AA0)
Bound to create a rush on the cubicles.
I saw this mural wall many years ago. One woman has a magnifying glass. and I bet that urinal gets lots less action.
:laugh2:
Pedro
Covid -19 is a serious thing. But one thing we should not do is lose our larrikin spirit.
Now that we are finally seeing some serious measure being introduced we should accept the present restrictions even if they might infringe our usual rights.
Meanwhile here is one of the most famous Australian cartoons ever. I think it might have some relevance at present.
(https://www.nla.gov.au/sites/default/files/blogs/cartoon.jpg)
Stan Cross (1888–1977), For Gorsake, Stop Laughing: This Is Serious! 1933,
My Grandad asked to have his remains pressed into a record after his death. It was his vinyl request.
(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90278465_10158548949794416_6368517359786786816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmn7an61jvHAYQZxkhB5ufh3SMqbzKjYg1dTmFu-Dz-4EEgGJltwBXA1flBl_ZMbv4&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=eb6fca80552c911c18dc3b1e8895b8f9&oe=5EA1A02F)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/91051153_666799277466042_7433472591232237568_o.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQnc5kJ5QsfO7k7774KRFItp7O6h4Nqz6cvUA2vs2hQAPCHzXtV-hCP9j1xTWVEZ5No&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&_nc_tp=7&oh=13571d1df898a64269b3aca4088c8db2&oe=5EA62CC7)
haha, I need some of those mushrooms. :)
I've just met, a Chinese drug addict.
He said, "Have you seen My Cocaine"..???
I replied,
"No., not since he starred in The Italian Job".
Before Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
I have a really good joke about time travel to tell you. But I won't now seeing you didn't like it.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPlR9n_6uas[/video]
And how to crack up John Cleese. Why just tell him a a dirty story, but it does have to be really funny.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmbpagijVkk[/video]
Yes I know -too much time on my hands.
So, if a pelican delivers white babies and crows deliver black babies,
what bird deliveries no babies?
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scroll down for the answer
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Swallow
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='121975' dateline='1586121567'And how to crack up John Cleese. Why just tell him a a dirty story, but it does have to be really funny.
Yes I know -too much time on my hands.
Never fail to get a laugh when Lee Mack appears :biggrin:
Pedro
Agreed. Arguably second to Billy Connolly.
Oh Dave Allen was rather good too.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/92456403_10221500499811927_7018079705303613440_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQmP9uUuolCaxbs8PIOG-6GFW7QcVYwAonKts_dBCJZuNTviyKCTILcyp4hPxyPDtJA&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=08c5dadcca1c07951b8e223c273aa15a&oe=5EB6320B)
Thanks for all the humour Jeff, it helps a lot. Isolation is fine with us, he never go anywhere normally anyway. But it's a great distraction for all the stuff that's going on!
Humour is one thing we need to keep. This one for you Uni;
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: 'I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.' He said: 'You have to love Easter, baby.
I asked him where he found the chocolate egg and he said, "Aisle B, back."
Social isolation shopping bag. Guaranteed that others will keep their distance.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/Princess.jpg)
:laugh2: ....... love the Arnie!
The Princess Cruise bag is a good idea.
I saw that on Facebook. I have a couple
of those bags, just have to find them.
I can't let Tim's death go unremarked.
Here is a little sketch written, and performed, by Tim Brooke-Taylor, John Cleese, Graham Chapman and Marty Feldman.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqeZos7pm74[/video]
Sorry about the poor video quality -best I could find- but it does not detract from the humour.
:laugh2: Too funny not to pass on. :laugh2:
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/91874295_2911962785527953_86782395491024896_o.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQmHtJsFr4XCVDftdrQf4ZMiTSZQol2PEuiKcfbZX5NbdQ-Ick92O3i0rvN8s2i3fmA&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&_nc_tp=7&oh=850dd35d45918e66aad431b890104f7d&oe=5EBBDCD0)
I saw that last night Jeff and haven't been near the kettle since!
The Duck is standing on the footpath looking across to the other side of the road...And the Chicken yells out DON'T DO IT!!..YOU''LL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT...
not me , that's for sure ,
could be ?????????
Anyone remember this? Farty Towels (http://www.megaministore.com/exotica/fawlty-towers-sign-letters) -what a program that was. Only twelve episodes ever made and every one a comedy gem.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78b67l_yxUc&list=RDCMUC7foTxErVJKorAitAcJuqDA&start_radio=1&t=10[/video]
Speaking of Jim Cleese (I was sort of) here is one you may not have seen before.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lM-F0xf7kG8&list=RDlM-F0xf7kG8&start_radio=1&t=0[/video]
[quote="JeffH" pid='122077' dateline='1587008198']
Anyone remember this? Farty Towels (http://www.megaministore.com/exotica/fawlty-towers-sign-letters) -what a program that was. Only twelve episodes ever made and every one a comedy gem.
[/quote]
Agreed Jeff - a brilliant show.
Pedro
+1 It was only a year or so ago that I introduced little Uni (23) and littlest Miss Uni (9) to fawlty towers. We got the full set of episodes from the local library. The number of Manuel and Sybil jokes that went on for weeks after that was countless.
I quite liked Basil's suggestion for Sybil's Mastermind special subject -"the bleeding obvious".
Manuel's pet "hamster" :laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='122084' dateline='1587071348'Manuel's pet "hamster" :laugh2:
Pedro
" he put Basil in the ratatouille " ???
""we are all in this together" THIS SUMS IT UP ACROSS THE WORLD
2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
You think it's bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home-schooled by day drinkers...
This virus has done what no woman had been able to do...cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!
Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions!
Since we can't eat out, now's the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We're quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!
Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, "See? This is why I chew the furniture!"
Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???
I never thought the comment "I wouldn't touch him/her with a 6 foot pole" would become a national policy, but here we are!
Me: Alexa what's the weather this weekend? Alexa: It doesn't matter – you're not going anywhere.
Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this corona virus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can't follow directions.
I swear my fridge just said "what the hell do you want now?"
When this is over...what meeting do I attend first...Weight Watchers or AA?
Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.
:laugh2: ....... love it Basil!
Woof woof!
Here is a special Covid isolation song for you Basil.
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/brenebrown/videos/234809714245550/[/video]
:laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122103' dateline='1587278320'Woof woof!
Here is a special Covid isolation song for you Basil.
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/brenebrown/videos/234809714245550/[/video]
I wonder how long that took to write..LOL.
Quote from: 'Basil' pid='122108' dateline='1587339608'I wonder how long that took to write..LOL.
Probably about as long as it took to write "Born to be Alive" :winkextra:
Pedro
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
" Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those crazy things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks – but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.
He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
:laugh2: ....... that is brilliant Nevol!
McDonalds is rebranding in Oz to be seen as more Australian and less American. You heard it here first.
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/7a5914a3e30a5e49a2fa18c458c9de93/f6dcb2de8f9daf8d-1a/s540x810/d8cc58d4f5ed952051cc82df9de0a092f4009934.jpg)
"Will you want chips with that?"
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122125' dateline='1587520644'McDonalds is rebranding in Oz to be seen as more Australian and less American. You heard it here first.
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/7a5914a3e30a5e49a2fa18c458c9de93/f6dcb2de8f9daf8d-1a/s540x810/d8cc58d4f5ed952051cc82df9de0a092f4009934.jpg)
"Will you want chips with that?"
About time. I don't go all that often but if they ask me if I want fries with that I always say you mean chips?
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Backyard_Bidet.jpg)
we had one like that when we were kids , but we only had and old cane chair and my dad cut every 2nd bit of the seat part and in Blackall we had bore water and could use at much as we liked to
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/galileo.wijanarko/videos/2651257638427570/[/video]
A British doctor say's that in Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put in another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job
The German doctor say's we took part of a man's brain , put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job
The Russian doctor say's we took half a heart from a man , put it in another's chest and in 2 week's he is looking for a job
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President".
Now , the whole country is looking for a job !
:laugh2: Both absolutely brilliant .... I needed a smile ..... thanks Jeff and Barry!
Senior Sex -- This is the funniest thing I have ever read .......
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
^^^ Good one. ^^^
:laugh2: Touché Nevol!!!!
:laugh2: to all.
Pedro
Four years ago I took this photo on a visit to the Barringer Meteor (correctly meteorite) Crater.
(https://scontent-sin6-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95127047_10217009571047719_771668772548247552_o.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=1480c5&_nc_oc=AQnB3lGe1a2Rw7KfltBGA7kHU9QxXdr6VbKcWhhVJRL1YXkTWdzqOs4LNeD7bplZ3qg&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-2.xx&oh=d2db9f196e774f1b10e0f2f0f8e1be2d&oe=5ECD55E2)
Today some wag posted this on Facebook.
(https://scontent-sin6-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/94917823_3173904882654256_6151825818638090240_o.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_oc=AQkMWyJ-O1YyZrqeZUBCWSoRYVrUqSKx9hMEeYVLKSXWRhH749HQbXe0UXz3rdya2uo&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-2.xx&oh=00a2252b500c07465631123d2715daae&oe=5ECBC871)
Wow. missed me by this much! :shock:
Well worth the detour (9km from Route 66) if you are ever going that way. And the best souvenir shop I have seen -not mostly full of cheap novelties and overpriced junk but quality items that relate to the site. And a bistro where you can get a decent meal at a reasonable price.
(https://scontent.fmel5-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/95216202_3991789744226935_3135687345714495488_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQkV0_A7XBnb_hE2Dmy4XEpKuWMyCYZMsP-v7RsIfwQB8-YL70swLDNU6V85L_vSQfQ&_nc_ht=scontent.fmel5-1.fna&oh=e8b4d963c507a87aae397da5d2a41440&oe=5ECC221E)
Grandpa and Grandma were staying with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one, they're very strong and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I don't care, I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$30 each."
Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $30 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $130 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $30. There's $130 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "I know, the $100 is from Grandma!"
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122218' dateline='1588467079'Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
That would be funny, if it wasn't so close to the truth.
Indeed. I told my sister who said" that is a joke, isn't it?". My reply was "Yes, but it could be true."
The domino effect.
(https://www.thesun.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/nintchdbpict000315747920.jpg?w=620)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/p720x720/96514391_2650260811964369_4110700992704544768_o.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQk7lE9gPkAnSNco3yojo3WBoM0H3PheQapMHavm7E6xc4HPLzTd9tY2QAOpIeD1aFk&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&_nc_tp=6&oh=3215ef0d8bf0d8492e52d9ca74f4141d&oe=5ED80D99)
:laugh2: ..... on ya Jeff ..... he looks a bright spark!
Nice one Jeff. As a parts man, that is close to my heart.
Yes, but can you identify the make and model Steve?
Jeff, my first thought was Ford Escort or Cortina 1.6L,
but there are a lot of caps out there that are very similar.
https://www.scotts-classiccarspares.co.uk/ford-escort-mk3mk4-13-14-16-xr3xr3i-85-90-new-distributor-cap---45170-1573-p.asp
Not sure the look is going to catch on but each to his own :D
Pedro
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='122246' dateline='1588751583':laugh2: ..... on ya Jeff ..... he looks a bright spark!
Guy is probably in a silly country with compulsory face covering in public. Genuine masks might not be available or might be expensive. Back at the beginning of March I had a supervisor who told me that with the economic collapse in Lebanon the Leb money was so crap that a genuine mask cost a days income so a relative used a bra cup as a mask (you get 2 masks per bra). Sure beats those using underpants as masks.
This is a riddle from a Christmas cracker;
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
What is your answer. I have tested this on quite a few people just lately and they are unanimously wrong!
The "correct" answer later.
Whatever the writers of Christmas cracker jokes get paid it is too much.
I'm guessing the incorrect answer is carrot. Still need to work on the right answer.
Pedro
Clue. The incorrect answer is topical to these times.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122314' dateline='1589495630'Clue. The incorrect answer is topical to these times.
Answer...?
I have to laugh with JL's take on the Alan Jones feud,it went for years with both rubbishing each other on Air until they had a Lunch a couple of years ago and buried the hatchet,Laws now says they were always friends except for one minor disagreement!!!!!
Keep posting the jokes Jeff,the lynchpin in our group has had a stroke so i rarely get any sent these days.
The answer according to the slip of paper from the cracker is "carrot". Pedro just had it a bit mixed up.
However everyone I asked thought it must be a Donald Trump riddle.
A true story from some years ago courtesy of Peter FitzSimons.
There's this junior soccer game at Barra Brui Sportsground in St Ives, where, with 20 minutes to go in the under-10s, the game tight, things are really starting to get heated from the supporters. It gets so bad that at one point the coach of the home side calls one of his nine-year-old players aside and asks, "Jimmy, do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"
The young lad nods.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The lad nods again.
"So," the coach continues, "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called against us, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee or call him a dickhead. Do you understand all that?"
One more time, the lad nods.
Coach continues, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb arsehole, is it?"
The lad shakes his head to indicate that he is in complete agreement.
"Good," says the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122319' dateline='1589522230'The answer according to the slip of paper from the cracker is "carrot". Pedro just had it a bit mixed up.
However everyone I asked thought it must be a Donald Trump riddle.
Oh no, overthought it again. Maybe I should take up writing Christmas cracker jokes. :winkextra:
Pedro
QuoteMaybe I should take up writing Christmas cracker jokes.
Looking forward to an improvement in the quality of jokes when you start.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122323' dateline='1589523832'Looking forward to an improvement in the quality of jokes when you start.
I wouldn't count on it :laugh2:
Pedro
(https://scontent-sin6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/96150994_2963041873745199_2340073189893210112_o.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_oc=AQlAV_QoQ7Tq-aNyOqxMeYAXJMOstu8KvyxvZquWRT5W26M4t0dsQR3fqAVKg8Z3hcY&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=7c049f72a0b484d949742e3de22128d4&oe=5EE57BE9)
:laugh2: Luckily the paint looks cream ...... it could have been a whiteoff otherwise!
That brings back memories,back in the 1970's i was on the grog with a mate in Sydney,as we walked back to his Ford Escort work Van he saw a wall mounted Fire Extinguisher in the parking garage,took it off the mount and put it in the back of his Van. It didn't take long for it to fall over and go off,the whole van,and us,was covered in Foam,3.00am in the morning hosing out the Van on my Driveway.
Lesson to be learnt there,don't touch other peoples property.
Vinyl record are having a resurgence in popularity.
How groovy is that?
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/97470690_2934142603321618_6506119814073810944_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQn7iqk4FFlqgZD8YBshH2S9bwICdUXb1VaClwxMSjd6Pdf2IIF4sFNIgZkpZxAOvdg&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=25ab2a6b29c74aa785294f50965ac72b&oe=5EEC3C19)
Couple of good ones there Jeff.
Made me smile. :)
A doctor reveals the "truth" about the medical profession and Covid-19. (https://www.boredpanda.com/typical-doctor-day-satire-facebook-post/)
That was a good read Jeff :laugh2:
I was walking past the pub the other night and I heard a brilliant rendition of Sweet Home Alabama being played by a chap on guitar. I went in and recognised the musician as our local magistrate. I told him I thought he was a wonderful player and could I get him to play at my party the next week. He said he'd love to but that he was fed up playing other people's songs all the time and rarely got a chance to play his own material. I said no problem, I'm sure you'll be great.
As luck would have it his own stuff was terrible and the night was ruined...
Anyway, I've learnt my lesson and now know I should never book a judge by his cover...
:laugh2: :laugh2:
:laugh2:
Pedro
A police officer stopped at the farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said "OK. That's all good, but don't go in that paddock over there".
The officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Government with me!" Reaching into his pocket, the arrogant officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?.. This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land!! No questions asked or answer given! Have I made myself clear?"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the officer running for his life, being chased by my big mean bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd, sure enough, get smoked before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified, so I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and yelled at the top of my lungs..
"Your badge, show him your BADGE!".
'Scuse me, do you have any more butter?
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/99425364_10164460450515377_8049770608315072512_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=e007fa&_nc_oc=AQlWY8MtOPenLEXdaF4LA4c5O5m_TSPQNB9zhQSRW5-Wml7oJaE1lfAstL6FFfNxVwQ&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=094704ce7ab3d17a0f1ca6868e5b5241&oe=5EF007F2)
Where did I put my phone? I had just a minute ago.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/Phone.jpg)
Someone in Telstra has a very fine sense of irony and humour.
(https://preview.redd.it/vb7tg4daq2051.jpg?width=640&height=359&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=a22704cd4b400572e77e09d62d6e38c0d7cc71dd)
Satire is not dead. A brilliant "fake clip".
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/jeff.wolff.33/videos/10223389430911859/[/video]
If this one doesn't make you laugh out loud then you should seek help.
[video=facebook]https://www.facebook.com/bbccomedy/videos/679360392637772/[/video]
:laugh2:
Pedro
Love it Jeff! :laugh2:
Couple of good one there Jeff. :)
There is a girl here who runs a battery kiosk in our local park.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.
Before Uni jumps in...
I give that one an AAA rating.
(https://scontent-sin6-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/100840993_3101926033202516_2929805975256825856_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQlQlQk8DWqyUsLEfpZkg24UKshnGEK-0njUEBqdlEoomvOos41-l-PuVFLzGvai9JA&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-2.xx&oh=4d44495643119d3ef4b3a74057ce1f63&oe=5EF8FCCD)
(https://scontent-sin6-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/96568132_3071259359602517_1937396984868503552_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_oc=AQk6iroyLJ7u56L3kjtPp_FoQ5wUZ4nyVDTHJSIOm3Cjz4fxLQUs3mYS__osAwTJdi4&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-2.xx&oh=27c1a1f930be5932dcddb94f848c2896&oe=5EF956D2)
:laugh2: ... I probably would have gone there Jeff.
Love the paving!!!!!
Jacko, from Goulburn way, is feeling terrible and goes to the doctor. ''Sorry,'' says the doctor, ''I have some bad news. You have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so go home and enjoy your final precious moments on Earth ...''
So Jacko trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the Goulburn Soldiers Club as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320. Then he gets the full house and wins $5000. Then the national game comes up and he wins that too, getting $780,000. ''Son,'' says the bingo caller, ''I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!'' ''Lucky?'' Jacko screams. ''Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'' ''Well I'll be buggered,'' says the bingo caller. ''You've won the meat tray, too!''
Hmmm ..... there must be an election coming :laugh2:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/pedro.jpg)
Is the rumour correct he is offering an incused millennium for every one that votes for him, a 1966 wavy 2 20¢ if you bring in four other votes and a 2000 $1/10¢ mule if you can rope in fifteen voters?
By the way what office is he standing for?
I have no idea what office I am running for! On second thoughts, there is an election coming up in November that looks winnable with little or no experience required if the incumbent is anything to go by. :D
Pedro
PS As for the rumour - I don't need to buy votes. :laugh2:
I have been to McDonalds but not often. Grandchildren seem to have some special attachment though! Thought this story was worth sharing, being an older person.
I was in the McDonald's drive-through in at lunch time yesterday and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.
The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.
When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too.
Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.
Don't honk your horn at old people.
I think i may have posted a similar piece before,apologies if so.
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Member of Parliament, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.).
A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..
"What happened?", she asks anxiously.
"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..
Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."
"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."
Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..
She didn't get the email"
:laugh2:
Pedro
Good one Goldie.
:yeah_that: :laugh2: +1
Boss I can't come into work today. There is a case of Corona in the house!
(https://www.liquorlegends.co.nz/img/sale/swappa-crates-corona-12-qrts-20171128152923-mqv_thumb.jpg)
ROSES & HANGING BASKETS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and her grandmother, is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate .....
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. These are modern times. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.
:laugh2: Top job Nevol
Nice one Nancy, and Jeff, that's the sort of case of Corona I would like. :)
(https://punstoppable.com/___image___?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Ft81epez2boo41.png)
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122759' dateline='1594088520'(https://punstoppable.com/___image___?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Ft81epez2boo41.png)
I love bad puns.
Jeff is the best ...... I'd actually named the image from the past as jeff_p :laugh2:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/jeff_p.jpg)
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='122778' dateline='1594255566'Jeff is the best ...... I'd actually named the image from the past as jeff_p :laugh2:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/jeff_p.jpg)
yep, definitely tearable.
Yes, but what is the missing one? RIP..........a missing slip.
A guy goes to his doctor and says "I can't stop singing Frank Sinatra songs"
The doc replies "You have Crooner virus"
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122844' dateline='1595306299'A guy goes to his doctor and says "I can't stop singing Frank Sinatra songs"
The doc replies "You have Crooner virus"
Did you just make that up? :)
No, a mate of mine did. I thought Uni would appreciate it.
..... and you thought right! :laugh2:
We have had some big frosts just lately.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/109808072_10158786252069284_4355101011711419179_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=4cYHTpV7J2IAX-jK_Dq&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=854ba1dfb1df9479faa003fb40cc024f&oe=5F3E2ABF)
LOL :)
:yahoo: I like it as well
I spotted an albino Dalmatian today.
As you do!
They're not getting any better Jeff. :)
You want quality you have to pay for it.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='122860' dateline='1595494222'You want quality you have to pay for it.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10113/1981_Australian_1_Cent.JPG)
Do you want a receipt? Too hard do do a Tax Invoice though -GST component just doesn't work out.
Hi Steve,
Here is your 1¢ worth.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/109706738_3182631411804846_6886030868318606614_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=RHtud7lgW4wAX8j9F5J&_nc_oc=AQmIbXP4vQhK_rD7U1rNVjbYtmMpURqV3NFpz0ZNFTtCGOBwYTtQhWAtVBFFtifHhUg&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=635c7a63fa0c884e7dad9cf591e14a76&oe=5F3F7ADF)
Haha, well worth my one cent. LOL
No receipt required. :)
:laugh2: ..... You're on the money there Jeff!
(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/116154193_1315803395430910_4998211931651132051_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=I9CF8n4ucBkAX8a4TNo&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=755cbbf2b9e0c1fb8c105a8e47c09758&oe=5F47F7A0)
It's a little known fact that cow farts come from the dairy air!
Jeff, you are scraping the bottom now.
Happy to bottle up some dairy air for you Jeff! I drive past two twice a day ....... I have no idea why milking time has to correspond to school pick up time!
Thanks for the kind offer but.....no thanks!
:laugh2: ...... I love ya Jeff!!!! ........ the door is always open for you my friend!!!
Too true.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/116832689_10220652745941828_3699480135644918345_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=ubc6TgUio4YAX94hzIl&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=9ce9e90092a6274daa97da27d4ac3623&oe=5F595111)
Ideal for hiker and approved to take through airport security. You won't believe how light it is.
Some suggested uses;
•Dry Martinis-Manhattans
•Watering Cactus
•VW Bug Anti-Freeze
•Dry Cleaning
•Humidifying Saunas
•Filling Dry Docks
•Dry Mopping Floors
•In Dry Sinks
•Dry Shampoos
•In Dry-Cell Batteries
•Dampening Dry Humor
•Making Dry Ice
Available direct from the manufacturer at US$5 (AU$7) per can.
Save money and make your own at home. So simple and only uses material and equipment you already have! Make Your Own Dehydrated Water (https://www.instructables.com/id/Make-Your-Own-Dehydrated-Water/)
(https://i.pinimg.com/564x/ec/41/10/ec4110e45b25a74a9886fd24943a2e8c.jpg)
The worst thing is, there is probably people out there that would buy it. :(
A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into the blood bank.
The rabbit says: ''I think I might be a type O.''
:laugh2: .... on ya Jeff!
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Sheepish.jpg)
Bit hard to jump on their backs from there. :)
First photos of graziers moving stock from Victoria to New South Wales in compliance with new NSW Health quarantine protocol.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/118397024_3285074634919196_4401544687609351831_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=6sxCI_4Vgo8AX_trjh8&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=6b9d23fb97998fe047aeee88fc7ecf25&oe=5F6CF29F)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/118209590_3285074658252527_1761474457770653551_o.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=Q7sTRzXtRK0AX_22BqX&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=a6976e2a70a36cb0c30aa9261ac78bb1&oe=5F6E4BF7)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/117928297_308568023589143_2282547834635554587_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=KI3V57kzfekAX9LBfZv&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=460f6cf88e0af24767735b2a273301e2&oe=5F6FE659)
:shok:
Pedro
Me too!
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Tz5qrY_XDM[/video]
Smart cat!
Fraidy Cat. Wait till he sees Creepy Joe and then he will have kittens.
Maybe same reaction to any politician?
Then that is a smart cat.
Mark Twain had some great zingers about politicians.
"Suppose your were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself".
"If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it".
"Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it".
Forget his balloon stunt. Check out his magic tricks instead.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8Ws4PEky28[/video]
:shock:
Pedro
Wow Jeff! I love magicians, that was so good!
Another like Dynamo who sold his soul to the devil to perform magic.
Love a bit of slight of hand.
Anyone notice him slap the top of the cards when the guy counted to ten.
Added some extra cards then I reckon. :)
Self Testing for Covid
Pour a measure of Scotch, Whiskey or Bourbon into a glass, then see if you can smell it.
If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it then it's reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness.
I will test myself again today because I have developed a headache which can also be a symptom.
Quote from: 'Triggersmob' pid='123227' dateline='1599393060'Love a bit of slight of hand.
Anyone notice him slap the top of the cards when the guy counted to ten.
Added some extra cards then I reckon. :)
Yeah,tricks of the trade.
I don't know if anyone here remembers Sam Menacker who was out here in the 1960/70's with the WC wrestling.
I was in the audience for a Don Lane show back then and before the show he was talking to Sam and he(Sam) suggested he liven up the interview with some card tricks instead of being a straight plug for WCW.
Don got someone to find a pack of cards and Sam spent 10 minutes or so with the deck in a corner,marking them somehow we guessed.
During the Interview he got Don to shuffle the cards and then dealt hands to Don & the others(i forget who was there) and proceeded to tell them what cards they had.
At the end of the Interview he said "do not to play cards for money,i had never seen that deck until tonight" which Lane confirmed,Don,the crew and audience did not how he did it as he always held the deck away from his body.Clever stuff.
http://www.australianwrestling.org/index.php/profiles/27-managers-a-officials/190-sam-menacker
A really bad one ...... just for Jeff!!!! :laugh2:
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/jeff_cher.jpg)
I have my standards I will have you know.
I think that one is struggling to meet them.
:laugh2: .... Struggling is my middle name!
Some LOL pictures here and plenty of birds for Nevol.
Funniest animal photos of the year (https://www.traveller.com.au/comedy-wildlife-photo-awards-2020-finalists-named-funniest-animal-photos-of-the-year-h1qrg5)
Some interesting pics there.
Thanks for sharing Jeff.
They are great Jeff! :good:
Quote from: 'Triggersmob' pid='123367' dateline='1600340072'Some interesting pics there.
Thanks for sharing Jeff.
:i_agree:
The other day I was cruising onto Hume Highway, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic Didn't slow down for me as I came off the entry ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 150 km/hr enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 110 km/hr!
Naturally, I got within a metre or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew – that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either – they're $60 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even need a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now that's the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!
Must have been a year or two ago because the cops are using BMWs for highway patrol now.
I had a BMW driver try to move across into my lane whilst we were turning a corner
and had dual lanes. He was on the inside lane closest to the kerb and if he followed
the dotted line, only had access to the one lane. I was on the outside and had access
to the middle lane, which I took. This lane was next to his and he tried to come across
in to my lane. Then he honked me, like I'd done something wrong. I think it must be
something to do with the special classes they run for all new BMW drivers. :)
I'm lucky, I don't even have to drive to earn points, when my kids get their special certificates in the mail they know that they already have achieved 10 points and they know that alas as I have failed to earn any they want to share their good fortune, so out of generosity they nominate me on the form they send back and presto! another 3 points for me. Not everybody is blessed with such considerate kids.
Been there, done that!
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s600x600/120194882_115631883624441_763782520374804606_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=eYZpu70W3QkAX8zrWWr&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&tp=7&oh=de5525823f41eb24fc31dc3a49ce0f92&oe=5F91C839)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p552x414/120217431_3370668936332721_5951071942935459989_n.jpg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=alXNVJsPgwsAX9naEpQ&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=6&oh=8e92d1ada693221ddc212ac93e14edd4&oe=5F97FDF9)
It's just pie in the sky. :)
This is Wilson the Sheep Dog, he works from home now.
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Wilson_the_Sheep_Dog.jpg)
You might like this one Uni;
Yesterday a stranger sidled up to me, winked and muttered, ''Over, under, in, up, out''. I replied, ''Are you trying to preposition me?''
Courtesy of Jim Dewar, today's SMH letters to the editor.
:laugh2:
I have only one thing to say ......... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrRdy4BAYp0 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrRdy4BAYp0)
:laugh2:
Pedro
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xv-paqs62Xo[/video]
I heard that song on the radio a few weeks ago.
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a local shop & felt I should warn every one. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Yesterday I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl working at the store told me "NO" even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . I'll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lottery ticket from there again ...
You had me going there for a while. I forgot this was the laugh thread. :)
Me too Steve! Nice one Jeff :laugh2:
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='123754' dateline='1604432591'Me too Steve! Nice one Jeff :laugh2:
...and me,i haven't seen/heard that before.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78542803_10215163211059115_8299061548240863232_o.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=2&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=URyMRa70LRMAX_70Y0I&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=b6c1a9dae6eb9d77ce3d977954838783&oe=5FC8DD08)
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s640x640/125087296_3489543004467162_2423053285152797812_o.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=2&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=UVuZ4H6qUOYAX9UdKa6&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&tp=7&oh=bc3933e72ccef9de2cb10551344ee659&oe=5FD95527)
It's a five minute walk from my house to the pub.
It's a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/128206157_1865089440324828_578760647717331193_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&ccb=2&_nc_sid=a26aad&_nc_ohc=zsrN-3TUwAYAX8IcqlQ&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=3d368a069dd97ea1df773a2f252e6c9c&oe=5FE83E3A)
Poor coyote, he never wins. :(
:laugh2: .... looks like a job for Acme autorepairs!
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Grandma_Wet_Floor.jpg)
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN -it's spam.
(https://post.healthline.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/is-spam-healthy-732x549-thumbnail-732x549.jpg)
but I love spam. :)
It be getting near Christmas, and all through the house, not much was stirring, but Unicorn's mouse .......
One for Jeff .....
Are workers at the Royal Australian Mint the only people who are likely to strike because they want to make less money?
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='123897' dateline='1607205719'Are workers at the Royal Australian Mint the only people who are likely to strike because they want to make less money?
Very good question Uni :laugh2:
Pedro
They are seeking a product sample issue scheme for the workers.
Like my friend who works at a vineyard gets an allocation of wine regularly. That's over and above wages.
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
and made a profit of €998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
David Attenborough explains "clubbing".
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8zwIphm5r4[/video]
$100 says there is a coyote under that!
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/131424899_4125465857483169_2311424581666870259_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=2&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=XkWi1oI3b5MAX-qLjPz&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=e013260ba33d54f6aea3632ed904a5fd&oe=60060FD8)
Haha, you could be right. :)
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/132874536_10158687601474693_8944920274317783084_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=2&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=89KAAsMi6dwAX_lsbZZ&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=0bd05ba481fbcf18c37c2ca337a64426&oe=6009CE2A)
:laugh2: ...... It never gets old Jeff!!!!!
Lamb chop anyone?
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7g0kCnnTeMg[/video]
I was a bit worried that Sam Kekovich was not going to be in it but just had to wait a bit.
A joke from Mark Taylor via Peter FitzSimons;
The way former Australian cricket captain Mark Taylor told me about it, he had decided he would like to have some naturally produced honey on his toast every morning, so after building a beehive, he went to the Bunnings and said "I'd like to buy a dozen bees, please."
"Sure," says the bloke, before disappearing into a back room, and quickly returning. "Here you go, Mark. There's 13 bees for you."
"But I only asked for a dozen."
"That's alright, for every dozen you get a free-bee."
You are allowed to groan now!
Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.
As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulders. The Customs officer stopped him and checked the sacks.
Each contained a lot of mobile phones. "What are you going to do with all these phones?" asked the officer.
"Oh, they are not for me. My friend, is starting a jazz band, knew I was going over to America. He asked me to bring him back a 'couple of saxophones.' "
Ornamental only❓
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s640x640/119006600_774009806727961_7006014103969569101_o.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=2&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=3RPpX7UH_h4AX_Jhih9&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=7&oh=2f48bd31fe19afd6f138e8869ff0ce67&oe=603DA425)
Sort of defeats the purpose. :)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/144735930_219256173276519_4091995201354034595_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&ccb=2&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=Tsz1StoVx98AX_BI04K&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=5cf00778c1f0669b38f51da121746406&oe=6041586D)
(https://scontent.fsyd8-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/148976119_10159322123124284_3320790116221985390_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=6j6flJnyk-8AX9czH0M&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd8-1.fna&oh=1ce1d823025d97a6c1e86e17dbe26fe5&oe=60488077)
Yes, it definitely went the wrong way. :(
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y07at1bU89Q[/video]
(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/150082126_1354689988224828_2866859982159527279_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=QZo4nP4QaH4AX-QPWck&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=78abedc5e69196f7258441f56161d786&oe=60523E5D)
A coin related cartoon. Well it looks like a Yap stone. :)
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='124382' dateline='1613596567'(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/150082126_1354689988224828_2866859982159527279_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=QZo4nP4QaH4AX-QPWck&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=78abedc5e69196f7258441f56161d786&oe=60523E5D)
I really dislike the new way images are displayed now. I get this image link that I am required to view to see what it is and then can't go back to the original page. It is so much hassle I just don't bother to view the images.
Images usually come up for me. Try a right click an "open in new tab". That will leave the original page intact.
I am not sure what is going on with images on this site.
The "yap stone" images above just show as images within the screen page, not as a link.
I understand that is how the images should show.
However in another thread "the dryer 10c" the page showed a IMG link to some off planet site, not a direct image.
We need a clarification from a guru!
Fred.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='124387' dateline='1613628995'Images usually come up for me. Try a right click an "open in new tab". That will leave the original page intact.
I actually did right click it but only got the option of Reload Image, View Image, Copy Image, Copy Image Location, email image and a few others, none mentioned a new tab. I often open stuff in a new tab. Not these though. No option to do so. Quite frustrating.
What was wrong with having the image directly on the post anyway like it was before?
Like this. Just picked a random image from my gallery.
My advice has always been load your photo to the forum gallery and that gives you linking code you can just cut and paste into your post.
Incidentally that is one I found noodling. Has anyone else ever found a 1985 20¢ from circulation?
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/1985_20_C2F.jpg)
Nah Jeff not yet :winkextra: It's been a while since I did 20c. Actually it's been a while since I did any noodling!
Yes like that. I tried pasting some images for the new investment coin but it wouldn't let me. I might try again, saving them first.
And no, I can't say I can ever remember seeing an 85 or an 88 20 cent piece in circulation.
Have a look at the images I added in Australian Decimal NCLT. They open automatically in their own tab.
Just checked and right click doesn't give that Open in New Tab option. Does have Copy Image Location which can be pasted into address box in a new tab -same result but an extra operation required.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='124398' dateline='1613705718'Has anyone else ever found a 1985 20¢ from circulation?
The irony of The Laugh Thread. I found two of these coins back in the 1980s. I had them well tucked away but it would appear that when I had a clean up several years ago that I was not paying sufficient attention and they seem to have been returned to the pond as they weren't around when I did my latest tidy up. Still kicking myself and not laughing. :dash1:
Pedro
How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
...into what?
If flat towing a car please put it into neutral first.
(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/600e7d3093b69_7Rt3GfO__700.jpg?fbclid=IwAR0rqVZGsjETheIJTlf1fODL_jYR2t2mDKzB55k08N3gnid_BVOrG9hDhW8)
:laugh2: ..... but their brain was in neutral!
Nothing wrong with riding a trike.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/153198375_3774449299288014_4326615717554588774_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=deJy3oFvCcMAX8qLjyv&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=c589949839965782e0bd246186cbddd7&oe=605EE3E3)
:laugh2: ..... Pretty sure Winifred Atwell used to ride one of those!
Is it time for a pun?
What, "NO"!
Here it is anyway;
Did you know actor Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack?
(https://www.themoviedb.org/t/p/w235_and_h235_face/ytOh75gcfS1fxLXb0fHACDajscz.jpg)
His name was Tim.
Well it worked for me. I got a laugh out of it. :)
Yep me 2
There are worse real names out there than Tim Burr. You have to question the stupidity of the Irish parents who named their son Wayne back in 1985. The kid became a professional rugby league player who must have copped heaps of teasing/sledging in school and on the field. The family name is KERR.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='123097' dateline='1598129267'A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into the blood bank.
The rabbit says: ''I think I might be a type O.''
Quote from: 'nealeffendi' pid='124496' dateline='1615076878'There are worse real names out there than Tim Burr. You have to question the stupidity of the Irish parents who named their son Wayne back in 1985. The kid became a professional rugby league player who must have copped heaps of teasing/sledging in school and on the field. The family name is KERR.
And Karmichael Hunt can't be abbreviated to Mike Hunt. :)
:laugh2: ..... back in the 80's his name was called many a time by the receptionist at the local RSL. Along with his brother Eric ......
There are heaps of stupid parents out there when it comes to naming their children. Just a few examples:
Wayne King (American musician)
I Wanke (head of private equity at BCI corporation)
Chris Mass (litigation attorney)
P Ennis (footballer Manchester United)
Les Bein (dog trainer)
Richard (Dick) Long (actor)
Richard (Dick) Wanke (senior mining engineer)
Ben Dover (composer)
Richard (Dick) Little (many people)
Richard (Dick) Pusey (mortgage broker)
Richard (Dick) Rash (project manager)
Richard (Dick) Kuntze (author)
Richard (Dick) Balls (author)
Plus plenty of women who by birth or marriage had names like Fanny Saw, Fanny Hore, Fanny Little and Fanny Hunt
Some parents need a slap though, eg Mr and Mrs Minor who named their son Morris. It's like the Dare advert where the nurse says so Mr Murray what are you going to call your son and he says Callum. Then drinks some Dare and thinks about it and goes with Jack.
Or the parents in NZ who named their twins Benson and Hedges.
Seriously have would be parents never seen the ribbing that people get from stupid names? It was a running gag in "Kingswood Country" over the family name Bullpitt and the main character in "Meet the Parents" started calling himself Greg Focker in the 8th grade as he copped heaps from his real name Gaylord (and a quick google check found an accountant named Richard (Dick) Fokker, so yet another example of stupid parents).
Unconfirmed, but someone told me there was a guy working in British taxation office, named Robin Bastard.
Quote from: 'Triggersmob' pid='124512' dateline='1615280776'Unconfirmed, but someone told me there was a guy working in British taxation office, named Robin Bastard.
He obviously had a calling.
There is an antiques dealer named Robin Bastard, imagine being told your whole family are Bastards. Other unfortunate surnames include Faggot, Mangina, Derrier, Death, Weiner, Slatze, Gobbler, Slatse, Fokker
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kx_G2a2hL6U[/video]
I like that Monty Python skit.
I received an email today from a Rod Herring, at first I thought it was Red Herring. :)
I guess things can only get worse ......
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/hunt.jpg)
Sorry Uni, I have misplaced my glasses and hearing aids. Can you read it out loud for me.
Thank you,
Jeff
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s640x640/160959219_469844907488220_6120111725278181885_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=WpYk2XkXGJ8AX8mPVZm&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=7&oh=ec0d3485298a60bb3a9e2d8fb2e90476&oe=6072A5A7)
(https://scontent-sin6-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/163308906_3850746364991640_2084918943493694277_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=rvE6Qc2b0hYAX_zEZK5&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-1.xx&oh=30d66cfdf32319374c9c7fffa757d1e1&oe=6080E1AB)
:laugh2:
BREAKING NEWS: The man who invented predictive text has died. His fun fairs next monkey. May he rust in pus.
Sums it up well Jeff! :laugh2:
Of course I am not cynical. I just happen to think this joke is rather funny.
A politician visited a remote village and asked the villagers what their needs were.
"We have two basic needs honourable Sir", replied the village leader.
"Firstly, we have a hospital but no doctor".
On hearing this, the politician brought out his phone. After speaking for a while he told them that there'd be a doctor there tomorrow and asked for the second problem.
"...secondly Sir, there is no mobile phone coverage anywhere in, or near, our village".
LOL,Yes,good one,especially near election time.
School holidays and the grandchildren are spending a lot of time at our house.
I think Samantha and Bubba may be onto something here;
(https://scontent.fsyd8-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/p526x296/169519935_10159454366649284_6841738825752906118_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=e5nWvoMWin8AX-Oy1cu&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd8-1.fna&tp=6&oh=30103161c753d9732b6ae2f55670a1c6&oe=60955086)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Silly questions?
1. How were hailstones measured before golf balls were invented?
2. Why is stuff transported by ship called a CARgo and stuff transported by road called a SHIPment?
3. Why are they called apartments when they are built so close together?
4. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary how will we ever know?
5. How do snow-plough drivers get to work?
6. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes on the ark when he had the chance? (And the flies too.)
7. How much is a Persian carpet when it's NOT on sale?
Too many questions.
You're hurting my head.
Steve :)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/s640x640/175553510_985640982204456_5843761304745077756_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ijSLHgm605oAX_SKaQ8&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=7&oh=c5116553e55e7e330636f385fdfb2e61&oe=60A3B3DC)
LOL. :)
(https://scontent-fml2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/189745717_10219659359850783_2880058490042088742_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=dXo5VexG86MAX8wz9YF&_nc_ht=scontent-fml2-1.xx&oh=1847e8613430901071a944cf9ebb17d7&oe=60D198B9)
She must be a chain smoker. Look at all the ash on the floor. :)
I found the following on Facebook anf got a chuckle on most of them. Hope you do as well:
My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/34162047_1676054675824264_3072904840926461952_n.png?_nc_cat=110&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=W1hfYRxsK7cAX-m4qYU&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=3cb6ee633ba4f54b8c5bf6bee1b01fe0&oe=60E36814)
That put a smile on my dial. :)
Okay, so I giggled.
I thought this might tickle someone's fancy.
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/187473553_2266958160102157_1173501763658470255_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=9267fe&_nc_ohc=M09syPr_XlAAX8ipdko&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=e49ef9c977d38bcb11ee255fd6e70482&oe=60E753FC)
That's funny. I mean who am I to disagree?
Yes, you are right!
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
One for the punsters.
I've been swapping labels around on the spice jars. No one has noticed yet but my thyme is cumin.
Uni will love it :laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2: ...... Basil might too!
I did this test three times last night and am happy with the result.
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/p526x296/131633463_3666981106673993_4354677611715938710_n.png?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=_BqvElesvkYAX-TiY7a&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&tp=30&oh=aa8fe5677dda559f9630392d1a7e3b5f&oe=60DD167E)
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='124998' dateline='1623888027':laugh2: ...... Basil might too!
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='125061' dateline='1624746429'I did this test three times last night and am happy with the result.
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/p526x296/131633463_3666981106673993_4354677611715938710_n.png?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=_BqvElesvkYAX-TiY7a&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&tp=30&oh=aa8fe5677dda559f9630392d1a7e3b5f&oe=60DD167E)
Yes to both..... :yahoo:
I did the real test yesterday. Would have preferred your test. :)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/p526x296/206846323_10159644872789284_1989006090553565042_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=Q8NZTOYZZzAAX_2WY0S&tn=vUgjcE468LfAnmn0&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=6&oh=49de3c54ae933f973bb19df05347a02f&oe=60DDD3DF)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='125070' dateline='1624833682'(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-0/p526x296/206846323_10159644872789284_1989006090553565042_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=Q8NZTOYZZzAAX_2WY0S&tn=vUgjcE468LfAnmn0&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&tp=6&oh=49de3c54ae933f973bb19df05347a02f&oe=60DDD3DF)
That would be funny except I had the winning lotto numbers a bit over a month ago... and didn't put my entry in.
Surprisingly my wife didn't kill me.
(https://scontent.fsyd4-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/s600x600/172336744_10223451651733889_3171406920052743320_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_rgb565=1&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=825194&_nc_ohc=Pnppzig5DagAX-FvI32&tn=vUgjcE468LfAnmn0&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd4-1.fna&oh=132645bdbcfb7ff0406c280cac55d3ac&oe=60F2FF02)
Lol. That is something I'll need to remember to show my grandkids when they get old enough.
This is not intended as a comment about the prime minister. Posting it purely for the amusement factor.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/s960x960/215200149_2045631542244064_1666548855324201933_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-3&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=LLhn3t9MtKkAX8OaJGe&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=43adff7a5becca93c88f55b96f96588a&oe=612A303A)
Well it amused me. :)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/229898339_4389962744380033_2675312436028614874_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-4&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=aYg85yjYOLQAX9mYmrY&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=51a9fc4756bea717c67c53f0b148626b&oe=6138784B)
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/p526x296/221905307_4370036723039302_8019295927293717148_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-4&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=mDy-HuxDHWYAX-uFvmg&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=2be6eeda2b2859889eeab9e076f28001&oe=6137871B)
I laughed but I always like The Far Side
(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/5f3d229678b70_zlr5f7y6c3251__700.jpg)
Not sure I could make that distance these days. :)
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A man on an airplane notices this very attractive blonde sitting next to him.
As the flight begins she removes a book from her bag and starts to read. The man immediately notices the title; "Confessions of a Nymphomaniac" and he's instantly transfixed.
After a few moments, she pauses her reading to take a drink and the man seizes his opportunity... "so" he says, "I just noticed that book your reading, the title sounds very... intriguing"
"It is" she replies softly. "I'm learning a lot about sexuality, becoming less inhibited and satisfying my own desires" she continues. "This book also dispels a lot of common myths, stereotypes and misconceptions"
"Really" the man utters, swallowing hard. "And what myths might those be?"
The blonde pauses, and in a hushed tone begins; "The most common myth is that African Men are the most well endowed, when in fact it's Native American Men who actually posses that physical trait"
"Really?" the man stutters his reply, "what... what else does it say?"
"Well" she says, lightly licking her lips, "another common stereotype is the French are the most passionate lovers, when in fact it's the Irish man who really knows how to make a woman's body respond"
"That's... fascinating" the man struggles to respond ... "Anything else?"
"Well, the most surprising thing to me was the misconception that Italian men have the most stamina in bed" she whispers, wriggling in her seat. "When it's actually Rural American Men who can perform repeatedly and for hours on end"
Suddenly, the woman becomes flushed and breathlessly says "I'm so embarrassed, here I am discussing something so provocative and erotic and I don't even know your name...."
The man quickly extends his hand and replies;
"My name is Tonto"
"Tonto O'Reilly"
"But my Friends call Me Bubba"
haha. Saw that coming. :)
Bought a carton of beer at Liquorland the other day and they threw in a complimentary can of DAD beer for Father's Day.
Obverse
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/DSCF6452.JPG)
It was reasonable beer too, but the health warning caused us some amusement....
Reverse
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10055/139/DSCF6453.JPG)
Happy Father's Day to all the fathers (and everyone else).
I thought it was going to say "Too much alcohol can lead to pregnancy."
That would be life long harm.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/s600x600/241801085_10166491404465377_6379788010864202301_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=PVzQp4di5zEAX_JH70y&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=aa803caddf06ef45a2597a3f131a6340&oe=616415B4)
Someone has too much time on their hands.
Funny though. :)
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='125559' dateline='1631573254'(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/s600x600/241801085_10166491404465377_6379788010864202301_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=PVzQp4di5zEAX_JH70y&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=aa803caddf06ef45a2597a3f131a6340&oe=616415B4)
Sounds like a KIWI.
(https://scontent.fadl6-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/239867917_389011339506873_1547252320784628922_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=-zp1DvTWhBkAX_wPpl9&tn=DUq2juFdmfM7aGIL&_nc_ht=scontent.fadl6-1.fna&oh=f950f923ebf37ae8293a13b9daf3f36c&oe=614D45B3)
ehh?
URL signature expired
My car would not start this morning. I lifted the bonnet to have a look and there was a bat sitting on the engine! :shock:
"Good morning Jeff" he said, "what a good looking fellow you are, well dressed, suave and elegant".
I immediately knew the problem; BAT FLATTERY.
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='125614' dateline='1632607279'I immediately knew the problem; BAT FLATTERY.
Noooooooooooooooooo
I use that expression all the time, but never thought of it like that.
Good one Jeff.
ROFL....
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/p180x540/244347340_10165544129795587_928575568771147404_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=RBXQ33gUK88AX8-_0fr&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=60da370ce02500a43ea4b0b2e349b1d3&oe=61856D63)
That's the sort of thing I would expect from you Jeff.
Gave me a chuckle.
Lovely Jeff!
The way some hoons drive it should be Van Damme
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/p526x296/241020852_10158074442666283_3197148258310778007_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=h_H6fynBLlEAX8gcij1&tn=4SEVZJoiJRnIhJM2&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=9fffd773796b1ad2c003655e6ccc2337&oe=61714278)
:laugh2: ....... well done Jeff!
So, if the pony is great with with kids then presumably it's a package deal and the kids go too :blush: (Pedro logic)
Pedro
I think they are an optional extra!
There is a moral to this story but I am not sure exactly what it is.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.
(https://scontent.fsyd3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.6435-9/p526x296/45436595_1172174426284273_5384693901648986112_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=20tF3ozsyBMAX-Uque-&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd3-1.fna&oh=51e9c59db5882e36dd0d2326a4946927&oe=61BA6D19)
Thanks for the morning chuckle Jeff. :)
:laugh2: ..... you're still on form Jeff!
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='125756' dateline='1637270841':laugh2: ..... you're still on form Jeff!
Yes,don't always Post but enjoy the Jokes here.Thanks.
Before you get to see a punchline you have to wade through one of my anecdotes;
We are having a lot of renovation work being done to our house and that requires cleaning out room by room. As we go we are sorting out accumulation of years and discarding a lot of stuff...."what ever possessed us to keep that".
Well this morning I found my late father's joke book. Thousand of jokes he recorded over many years. Not discarding that.
As you well know many of the funniest jokes are sexist, racist, obscene and so on. No exceptions here. Once I weed out those objectionable ones there are still a few suitable to post on a family forum. [No, that is not the punchline.]
So I will start putting some of them here. Starting with this one for today....
An Irishman came to Australia to better himself. Lost contact with his family. Became very wealthy. After about 40 years, or so, he decided he should get in touch.
He did so and discovered his father was still alive at 95, but ailing.
He arranged to fly to Ireland to see him but, before he could do so, received advice his father had died.
He organised with a local undertaker to pay for the funeral. At the end of the month he received a bill for £3,500 and paid it.
Next month a bill for £50 and he paid that too.
This went on for twelve months -£50 each month.
He decided he should query the undertaker about this.
Undertaker; "Well your father expressed a wish to be buried in a dinner suit, so we hired one."
I put together a lot of jokes like then when I was younger. Many are one liners,
but a lot of them are cartoons. These were jokes etc, that did the rounds on the
fax machines back in the 70s and 80s and yes, many could not be published here.
I still have them all tucked away.
Quote from: 'Triggersmob' pid='125761' dateline='1637318988'I still have them all tucked away.
If you get a chance Post them,the guy that anchored our Email Jokes has had a Stroke so no more for the time being but will try and organise something down the track.
QuoteIf you get a chance Post them.
OK, will do. Not sure now many would be suitable for public posting though. :)
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The bitch cooking breakfast clearly made an impression on me cause I would have seen it 30 plus years ago and still remember it vividly.
A Christmas shopping suggestion.
(https://i.redd.it/g27dlaawx2601.jpg)
We have a lot of those "fans" around here. Checked them out and I think that Jeff might be onto something!
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I hope he wasn't serious.
:laugh2: ...... love it ...... I remember when they first introduced day-light saving, people complained that the extra sunlight would fade their curtains!
Note received on April 1.
Good April fools joke.
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='125791' dateline='1637879080':laugh2: ...... love it ...... I remember when they first introduced day-light saving, people complained that the extra sunlight would fade their curtains!
And don't forget it curdled cow's milk Uni :winkextra:
Pedro
A suave businessman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman...
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The businessman smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
An oldie, but a goodie. :)
Low budget cruise control. I can't see how anything could go wrong!
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I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that. *shakes head*.
Once seen can't be unseen.
:shok: A candidate for the Darwin award.
Pedro
Before my surgery, the anaesthiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
*************************************************************
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally, realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
**************************************************
I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd run 5 kilometers a day before I've even had breakfast.
Turns out I was right.
********************************************************
For the Nerds
I tried to use 'BeefStew' for a password, but the computer said it wasn't Strogenoff ........ groan .....
****************************************************************
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you."
"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."
*************************************************************
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that You are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
********************************************************
The wife walked in on me while I was in the computer and she asked me what I was doing?
"I'm just buying some flights for when we're out of lockdown."
She burst into tears, ripped off my clothes, and gave me the best head job ever !!
To be honest, I didn't even know she liked darts......
*******************************************************
Frightening statistic !!! 25% of women in the world are on medications for mental illness.
That's bloody scary. It means 75% of them are running around with no medication at all.
****************************************************************
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:laugh2: .... most excellent Basil!
All I can say is where can Marsu pee Al? So old now, actually saw him in a Sydney pub back in 1989 ...... he picked on everyone except me ..... was good. Sorry reminiscing.
I can related to the last one. :)
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:laugh2: (loved the soccer player getting the jab!)
Pedro
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:laugh2:
Pedro
Yes,i've actually seen that,shopping trolley as a BBQ,in operation in the Bush.
I don't know if heating up the chrome coating is healthy thou.
I see on the news last night that they found an extremely old fossil near Gulgong ....... (too soon) ........ :laugh2:
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[align=justify]:laugh2: ....... mine would be full too!!!![/align]
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ROFL. I doubt he is though.
He has left the country......
Probably looking for Elvis ......
ScoMo has a new trophy for his office. Will be on the credenza with his boat trophy. Just waiting for the base engraving to be changed to "I Stopped Him"(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/272053556_10220800331734367_3206178211279049647_n.jpg?_nc_cat=101&ccb=1-5&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ul6Q_bAJ2M4AX_qyeGq&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=00_AT8NYahLRuuLfbx3vB7xk5A75qE04yqS67WZuxA-KOCMNw&oe=61E9C105)
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Wonder what his "I didn't stop Covid" trophy looks like.
Quote from: 'gweidion' pid='125984' dateline='1642418201'Wonder what his "I didn't stop Covid" trophy looks like.
Similar to his "balanced budget" trophy.
Quote from: 'nealeffendi' pid='125985' dateline='1642428615'Quote from: 'gweidion' pid='125984' dateline='1642418201'Wonder what his "I didn't stop Covid" trophy looks like.
Similar to his "balanced budget" trophy.
Budget would surely have balanced if the chief marketeer had managed to convince every Australian they needed a "Back in Black" mug.
(https://static.ffx.io/images/$width_620/t_resize_width%2Cq_88%2Cf_auto/fd566c68c84ee157d46292c9ecf0800aa96b88ae)
Went for a covid test and the nurse asked me if I had sudden loss of taste?
I said no! I've always dressed like this.
:laugh2: ..... love it Jeff!!!!
I'll use that line if I get the chance.
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is some time for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says :
"I have two questions. My questions are ...
Why did the Russians take Crimea?
And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says :
"Hmmm? Yes. Thank you. This is two good questions ..."
But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and all the kids go for lunchWhen they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions so another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says :
"I have four questions. My Questions are ....
Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the bell go 20 minutes early for lunch?
And where the f**k is Sasha?!"
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Couple of good ones. Thanks.
I had a little chuckle to start my day. :)
It starts with the laughs Steve :winkextra:
You got it Uni. :)
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:shock: :laugh2:
Pedro
LOL! :laugh2:
Good one Nancy.
Made me chuckle. :)
Bloody Great Nancy
:laugh2: love it Nancy
:laugh2: Love it Nancy!!!!!
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And I complain when the cat sits on the bed. He has it worse.
You can almost hear someone say, that's not a cat, that's a cat! :shok:
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"
The bartender considers it, then agrees.
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.
He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the night the bartender thinks that nothing could possibly top the first trick so he agrees.
The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog.
"Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."
The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front.
"No," he insists, "he's not for sale."
The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.
The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded.
"That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"
"Don't worry about it." the man answered.
"The frog was really nothing special.
You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
:laugh2: :laugh2:
Did not see that coming Nancy!!! :laugh2: bravo!
Another goodie from Nancy.
More please.
The trade magazine I still receive had a better than usual joke page this issue. So herewith a screen shot from the online edition.
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:laugh2: ...... Some nice ones on that page Jeff!
QuoteSome nice ones on that page Jeff!
:i_agree:
I really enjoyed the carpenters class one and wonder how many people got it. I miss Karen.
Quote from: 'gweidion' pid='126092' dateline='1645864948'I really enjoyed the carpenters class one and wonder how many people got it. I miss Karen.
I did have to think about that one but not for long.
Who here has ever had a cat and a dog?
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That about nailed it.
@JeffH: That's a good one
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Carownervirus.jpg)
It's not the Rona!
For one of our active members.
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and that my friends is why you have not seen a Unicorn to this very day.
:laugh2: You'll keep! :winkextra:
Thanks for the Jokes,i don't always Post but enjoy reading them.
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I need fuel tonight. I can feel the pain already.
:laugh2: (my pocket is not laughing though!)
Pedro
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Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in bloody New Zealand '
:laugh2: :laugh2:
Brings a whole new meaning to the blue flame.
:laugh2:
Pedro
:laugh2:
Pedro
Some people find parallel reverse parking a big challenge.
It is simple really. This video shows you the correct technique so you can do it with confidence in future.
P.S. Let me know how you go.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p42wAzqwiCA[/video]
Meh!
I do that all the time in my MORRIS MAJOR in the local shopping centre.
It is getting easier as the car seems to be getting shorter..................................
Great driving by the Wiz in the Mini!
Fred.
"the car seems to be getting shorter" Is that because bits keep getting shed?
Notice the knob on the steering wheel and judicious use of the handbrake. Minis are very good for handbrake turns. Years ago, when I had a mini, I converted the handbrake to fly off for motorkhanas -really keen people actually install "fiddle" handbrakes.
I have done that type of park but never between actual cars -just traffic cones. Success rate is not high!
Fred would know but for those who don't;
•Fly off handbrake you have to press the button to have it stay on. Just pull it and it releases,
•Fiddle brake is two levers, one for each rear wheel.
Under dash handbrake lever..forget doing that.
:shok: Impressive!
Pedro
My handbrake is non existent. My Colt has a foot park brake.
I'm impressed!!!
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Gold2C_Silver_etc.jpg)
:laugh2: ...... if I only had teeth!
:laughingneqw: :laughingneqw: :laughingneqw:
That will be better than cashing in my super. Now, how can cash my body in? (Short of cremation!)
Forget the silver in the hair -negligible hair unless you count my beard.
I was going to put this in the petrol head thread but decided it warranted a wider audience.
[video=youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MI36zDBC8s[/video]
A couple visiting Germany were touring a cemetery looking at historical headstones. They began to hear classical music which they identified as Beethoven's Ninth Symphony but it was being played backwards. As they searched for the source of the sound it changed to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony also being played backwards. They finally found the source of the sound as coming from Beethoven's grave. Intrigued, they called over the tour guide and asked how come the music was coming from Beethoven's grave and why was it being played backwards.
The guide said, "Nothing to worry about, it's just Beethoven decomposing."
I have taken a vow of poverty.
If you want to annoy me just send me money.
That's what I tell my customers.
Don't thank me, just throw money. :)
Love it Jeff! ....... one step closer this afternoon to sorting our contents claim from the fire ...... in a week it will be six months have passed since it happened. (Patience is a virtue ....... I think Mrs Uni & I will be more like patients after hitting our heads against the wall for this long).
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='126427' dateline='1654764203'Love it Jeff! ....... one step closer this afternoon to sorting our contents claim from the fire ...... in a week it will be six months have passed since it happened. (Patience is a virtue ....... I think Mrs Uni & I will be more like patients after hitting our heads against the wall for this long).
Gee Uni that time has flown by. Dealing with insurance companies can be a right royal pain in the fundamental orifice :-/ . Hope it gets resolved to your satisfaction very shortly.
Pedro
I made an insurance claim recently on my home policy. Settled reasonably quickly and no excess levied!
But I did get quite a few calls from the company asking for more details and rechecking the information I had supplied. Made me wonder if that is a tactic to catch people out if their claim is not completely kosher.
I would have put this as my signature except it is too long.
Seems about right except maybe ages need adjustment -says he being in the last category.
"I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
2. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things."
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
Last group for me too and I only just received a smart phone that has internet recently.
Been dragged into the modern world.
I have a condition where I have to take a tablet a day, I am no longer welcome in Apple or JB Hi-Fi Stores.
:laugh2: ....... Harvey Norman would let you in!
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='126553' dateline='1656797656'I have a condition where I have to take a tablet a day, I am no longer welcome in Apple or JB Hi-Fi Stores.
Good one,and Uni too.
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
My wife said, "I bought a new broom today." I said, "petrol's not that expensive yet!".
I will be sleeping in the dog's kennel tonight.
Thanks Jeff, I was just thinking I could do with a laugh. Even the Mrs laughed.
[quote pid='126663' dateline='1658376740']
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
[/quote]
If you have liquid viagra, I though you might get a stiff neck.
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/294861711_1283375582430993_2574051083794350537_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=103&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=Dy_HS9HgnOkAX-em90y&tn=shBGmOO-7aZAIw_u&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=00_AT_BuuAVCx9qEGjbd2kvEMNG4PWSV7pu7WHY9pYRKW3IVA&oe=62DE65F0)
Permanent marker?
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/10007/175/Bagpipes.jpg)
:laugh2: ..... love it
I must admit I do like listening to bagpipes.
The Father of a friend of mine, used to go out in his back yard to practise
and i could hear them playing if the wind was blowing in the right direction.
I lived about 1km away.
Breaking news!
Our previous prime minister has a new job............executive at Ikea.
He is assembling his cabinet now.
:mocking: :biggrin: :biggrin: With reference to the latest Prime Minister in his new job, he is currently assembling his whine cabinet. :mocking:
If Watson isn't the most famous doctor, then Who is.
(https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/300608946_5572028826151907_6429999708531162603_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=qaUd7ur4n48AX-qXAhg&tn=Q5LyJKgexec3UAj4&_nc_ht=scontent-syd2-1.xx&oh=00_AT_wRPM8XaFMGO79NUuxAB2CAx2BbK-YoTTjqPhCNH14nA&oe=63184BBB)
oh hell, a pair of docks...
Oh dear Jeff!!!! You've found my weak spot. :laugh2:
IA friend just sent this Farcebook item to me. I am not sure of her motive but it does seem to be a good fit. [Re. #7, I am hoping that does not include beer or single malt. If so then I will get through.]
(https://scontent-sin6-3.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/303220672_6392846884110656_6952027094193582730_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=ht4fhmlCCj8AX9akRog&_nc_ht=scontent-sin6-3.xx&oh=00_AT-x920UsNAon71LEZZbwjDx8XVjv7qjhqyzX-r6OhF8zQ&oe=631B4E00)
These days I'm finding three and four more often.
:laugh2: Oh so true.
Pedro
I took a stuffed dog to the Antiques Roadshow.
They told me it wouldn't fetch much!
Good one Jeff. Gave me a chuckle.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, someone has stolen our tent!"
That's a good one :laugh2:
Love it. :)
After having dug to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: 'English archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.'
One week later, 'The Kerryman,' a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Toole, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless!
BEST AUTOBIOGGRAPHY
"When I was A child, my father cheated on my mother and did not love my family. Later, my parents divorced.
Soon my mother died in a car accicent. My brother and I lived in my grandma's old house.
The whole family lived on my grandma's savings. Later my brother drifed away after marying an actress.
Couple of years later, my grandmother dies.
Now my Dad, at the age of 73, has to work for the first time in his life to support the family......such a tragic set of events.
Prince William. :taunt:
Couple of good ones guys. :)
I know what you will be thinking...........no job vacancies there!
(https://scontent.fsyd8-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/318203318_10160109646337159_2757019979508819051_n.jpg?_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=AfKfLZAohDQAX_MaXR-&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd8-1.fna&oh=00_AfBuCRm5zyZdnRcDlStkGOLigakB53rPQwzbfYN2_gKE5A&oe=639980A6)
What a lovely offer Jeff! I'd be willing to return the favour :laugh2:
Let's meet up halfway and do a simultaneous gig.
We might just do that Jeff! Have some pups ready in the next few weeks, so if I'm heading your way I'll give you the heads up ...... or should that be "bottoms up". :laugh2:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says,
"Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says,
"Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says,
"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says,
"Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Good one Uni,
No doubt the name of this joke is "driven to drink".
This is a bit naughty. If you might be offended don't scroll down.
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/323132396_426082919645308_8099397366377446842_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=104&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=8bfeb9&_nc_ohc=3giRGr9xNkUAX-pKNnK&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfBIHbp8Gwd992IUjt0FaM2Z6PgIqAuKoDfz2ly3sBj6_Q&oe=63B7C30C)
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A man is sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener.
And now you show up and drink my poison."
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='127722' dateline='1675328368'A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage/im-24-and-my-husband-is-85/news-story/ffe90bd71bfbfe4332292a753c85595e
:winkextra: Ah, so the answer was IVF.
Pedro
Quote from: 'Pedro' pid='127730' dateline='1675543514':winkextra: Ah, so the answer was IVF.
Pedro
No, it was the gardener.
This bloke rings up for a quote on a brain transplant. The receptionist informs him that we have three brains for sale, a scientists brain for $20.000, a doctors brain for $35.000 and a politicians brain for $100.000 dollars...The bloke asks why a $100.000 dollars for a politicians brain and the receptionist "says", Well sir it's virtually brand new and has hardly been used..
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/reveal.jpg)
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
HeHe.....
And with that me was beaten to death.
Welcome back Jeff. Hope you had a great holiday.
The plural of octopus is..............
(https://i.pinimg.com/originals/4a/63/6d/4a636d0bce86f61341938a2854f6d0a1.jpg)
I have to say that freaks the hell out of me. And I'm not adverse to eating octopus.
I use to make an octopie, so called because I used 8 ingredients.
Do you have that engine back together yet Jeff?
Engine partly reassembled. My mechanic (son) has too many paying jobs!
Just as well there is no hurry.
A man stands in Moscow's Red Square yelling "The President is an idiot!". A couple of cops arrest him and start leading him away, and he says "No, stop! You don't understand! I meant President ZELENSKYY is an idiot!" But the cops keep dragging him away and one says, "You can't fool us. Everybody knows who the idiot is."
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='128139' dateline='1683582927'A man stands in Moscow's Red Square yelling "The President is an idiot!". A couple of cops arrest him and start leading him away, and he says "No, stop! You don't understand! I meant President ZELENSKYY is an idiot!" But the cops keep dragging him away and one says, "You can't fool us. Everybody knows who the idiot is."
Good one Jeff.
True...but good
A man places his Viagra tablet on the kitchen bench when his parrot skips up and swallows it. Annoyed, the man puts the parrot in the freezer to cool off for a bit, intending to later give the bird its freedom. Upon opening the freezer door, he sees the bird sweating profusely and wonders why before the intuitive bird says, "well you try opening the legs of a frozen chicken in a confined space".
A woman walks into the green grocer and asks for 2kg of tomatoes. Aldo says sorry madam there are no tomatoes, to this the woman then says could she have 2kg please. Aldo says Madam, can you spell tomatoes, to which she replies TOMATOES. Aldo says, you left out the F, to which she replies, there is no F in tomatoes, to which he replied, that's what I've been trying to tell you.
Nice one Auto ..... I know a very extended one on that theme about Mrs Maple Brown wishing to acquire "non-existent" onions during WWII rationing. A favourite of mine :-)
Cheers uni, I actually heard that a few days ago on our local radio station.
A mate and I were sitting in a cafe this morning.
The waitress came over and said "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
So we swapped...
I hope you didn't get vegemite. :(
(http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/shit-egg-sad-chicken-1099622.jpeg)
:laugh2: On ya Jeff!
They all taste like chicken.
:laugh2:
Pedro
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx3VbXY1XWo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx3VbXY1XWo)
I'm not going to ask what it really was Uni :shock:
Pedro
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/362234416_667135358775358_2637716609345423279_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&cb=99be929b-59f725be&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=730e14&_nc_ohc=KGdcVtrPC88AX9nUQyI&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfBV90erDXvPuun1ccckktrnKdr3Ix2BrD4iANI4WJFf6g&oe=64C121AA)
This is close to home. I need to go for a colonoscopy. :(
LOL. I enjoyed that very much. Still giggling.
I first thought to put this in the petrolhead thread but decided it warranted a larger audience.
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/363797778_3471440783117589_3518839008633001813_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&cb=99be929b-59f725be&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=goJRGucZKdwAX_rKkmE&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfACdnAkb4unhcSM2k3cmpIcUqaURHdUegMO45PHLVJVXg&oe=64C89B1C)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Quite often referred to as a Vulva, but I'll leave it to your imagination as to why.
@JeffH: That's a good one :laugh2:
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/379812980_10159311703761283_926511181018222833_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=102&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5614bc&_nc_ohc=_Ybw61n74HsAX8RBu1w&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfCMaKyNqtSbhYDMhxuSlJixreqhlxr8QFCV2NMoP1wdvw&oe=650F79A6)
:laugh2:
Pedro
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/joe.jpg)
:laugh2:
Pedro
Hardly looks a day older!
And what about Nemo?
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/395747316_10159373112331583_8700334098258368594_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=WiEjQzNNJLYAX-bIzG7&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfCQ6Kf1uPdKfmOkzKuPeDOG7-bBVr7DnnJ_GIgaOIyvEA&oe=65658DBC)
I've heard of a Trumpeter fish, but not a Trump fish. Man that's ugly.
:shock:
Pedro
Quote from: 'JeffH' pid='128755' dateline='1700809782'Hardly looks a day older!
And what about Nemo?
(https://scontent.fsyd7-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/395747316_10159373112331583_8700334098258368594_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=WiEjQzNNJLYAX-bIzG7&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd7-1.fna&oh=00_AfCQ6Kf1uPdKfmOkzKuPeDOG7-bBVr7DnnJ_GIgaOIyvEA&oe=65658DBC)
That was just scary. I'd rather see the three eyed fish from The Simpsons.
:laugh2: Loving Nemo Jeff!!!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to Heaven. When they arrive, God says "We only have one rule here. Don't step on a duck." Sure enough, they enter, and there are ducks everywhere. It's almost impossible not to step on a duck.
The first woman accidently steps on one. God comes with the ugliest man she has ever seen, chains them together, and explains that "Your penalty for stepping on a duck is to spend all eternity chained to this man."
The next day the second woman steps on a duck. God also chains her to the ugliest man she has ever seen for all eternity.
The third woman sees all this and is incredibly careful where she steps. She goes months without stepping on a duck. One day God comes to her with the most handsome man she's ever seen and chains them together, leaving without saying a word. The deliriously happy woman asks the man "What have I ever done to be chained to you for all eternity?" The man says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Good one,i haven't seen/heard that joke. :yahoo:
That's a really good one :D
I have heard it before. Still funny though
Good one Triplewitch.
Quote from: ' pid=\'129041'' dateline='1707738587':winkextra: :whistle2: :tease:
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his pay.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke:
"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice:
"Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said: "Amen."
"Amen"
(https://scontent.fsyd13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/438685992_3759868867614900_1730696173457528202_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=7XJF7u6KvgAAb4j34kp&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd13-1.fna&oh=00_AfCRPkuwPthb6czoe6Za-wjl4evu2dEAlwXIt86bWZ55_Q&oe=6623F167)
:laugh2: Looks like something I would be able to achieve!
Pedro
Ah the Escher car kit.
Looking at it is doing my head in.
Quote from: 'gweidion' pid='129170' dateline='1713398308'Looking at it is doing my head in.
Exactly what I was thinking. :kez_11:
(https://scontent.fsyd13-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/438259729_405464222244079_4421758601764047804_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5f2048&_nc_ohc=8Wvt7zB3fJ8Q7kNvgGct1DC&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd13-1.fna&oh=00_AfAsbL36dJbQxJFuKWzgGqcYthxJ5XASB0pblPNt34A4og&oe=6633C67D)
A holiday stop over in Hong Kong. At a travel agency a man asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort him on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so he could call her to make arrangements.
She gave him a big smile, nodded her head and said,
"Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".
He replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"
A bloke standing next to him overheard, tapped his shoulder and said, "What she actually said was: 666136429."
Good one :biggrin:
:laugh2: Nice Jeff!
:laugh2: :laugh2:
(https://scontent.fsyd14-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/467812798_981700183983954_2910432783447938415_n.jpg?stp=dst-jpg_p526x296_tt6&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=7H5PU-KTAV0Q7kNvgHfHLU5&_nc_zt=23&_nc_ht=scontent.fsyd14-1.fna&_nc_gid=AM_bMm62o0kyItFntBhydRP&oh=00_AYDfi9JcjADBKqfsR489JTIOcpJgzJ_8O3148xP5Qu65-A&oe=674881E4)
I like the car "branding" :laugh2:
Pedro
American lady tourist on a safari trip in Africa, "What, the lions just eat meat. Why can't they be fed a vegan diet?"
Shocked look on guide's face but he recovers to answer, "Can't find enough vegans to keep them fed."
(https://www.australian-coins.net/gallery/albums/userpics/11067/111/jeff_h.jpg)
(Just for you Jeff :winkextra:)
Haha, love it.
Quote from: 'Unicorn' pid='129915' dateline='1744606185'(Just for you Jeff :winkextra:)
:laugh2:
Thanks Uni.
There's always tomorrow.
Here is one for you;
Mick and Paddy are on a cruise.
Paddy says, "It's awfully quiet on deck tonight."
Mick says, "Everyone will be watching the band."
Paddy says, "There isn't a band playing tonight."
Mick says, "I definitely heard someone say, 'A band on ship"
:laugh2: ....... Didn't see that coming!